rts ^^Entertainment
L A. G KAM A.
April 20, 2005
jraphics do not a game make
aiah Creel
rNerd
'ith crappy graphics, a child-
nterface and leveling system,
The Kingdom of Loathing
An Adventurer is You!
jlous items and an almost
xistent storyline, Kingdom
oathing is probably the best
jively Multiplayer Online
-Playing Game ever created,
he internet is an elaborate
cape of devilry, jargon,
jen nickels, eroticism, mort-
plans and goblins. Some
Screen Capture
have grown to thrive in this revolt
ing cesspit by sifting through the
rubbish to find the rare and elu
sive agate of brilliance.
that
Whether
■ mm ! pretty stone mani
Combat!
fests itself as flash
animation, online
You're fighting a Spectral Jellyfish.
comic or one of those
blogs all the kids
are raving about, it
pis is the enslaved spirit of a jellyfish that didn't quite make it to
can be difficult for
kfish Heaven (where jellyfish go. to get away from Mormons and
pk Eskimos.)
the average pseudo-
techno-eclecto-con
. Ydugetthejurhponit. •
to discover anything
You hit for 82 damage. WHAM! BIFF! BIFFS
worthwhile on the
You win the fightl
internet
without
Blood Face smiles approvingly.
spending hours rot
You gain. 1.4 Beefiness:
ting in front of the
You gain 3 Magicalhess.
golden idol-in-a-
You gain 4 Sarcasm.
box.
Adventure again (Cobb's Knob Menagerie, Level 3)
Repulsively
Go back to Cobb's Knob Laboratory
enough, the once-
unblemished world
Screen Capture
of video gaming has recently
taken a swan dive into the putrid
waters of the internet with the
development of the abominable
MMORPG.
Not only has the MMORPG
created a whole culture of pasty-
complexioned cave-dwellers, but
the never-ending quest for the
most realistic graphics has left
that subtle element “storyline”
completely out of the equation.
Miraculously enough, if you
throw out pretty much every ele
ment that has supposedly mat
tered in the gaming community,
you come out with one of the
most addictive and down right
pleasurable “video games” of all
time.
Kingdom of Loathing (www.
kingdomofloathing.com) is amaz
ing. Where there have been many
text-based games in the past, this
B* flicks equal ‘A’ good time
click-based adventure is a thing
of beauty.
Players are allotted a number
of adventure points per day with
which they can gallivant
across the countryside,
kicking ass and earning
meat (used as currency in
the Kingdom of Loathing).
The game is self-
explanatory; create a char
acter, fight some monsters,
collect some items and do
some quests. If a player
should have any questions
about the game though, all
they need to do is pass
a brief “literacy test” in
order to have access to
the many forums anj help
areas of the Kingdom.
Items and booze play
an integral part in the jour
ney of your Pastamancer,
RotGut (#433724)
Level 11
Reindeer Threatener
Screen Capture
Muscles and Funnybones
Wednesday, April 20
4 p.m. - 5:30 p.m.
Ciaramella
April 20 - May 27
Tuesday-Friday
Noon to 4 p.m.
k Clackamas Print
strap on your boots, put on
r black fatigues, and hop on
Ir rocket-firing motorcycle,
ause you’re about to kick
e terrorist booty with “The
ta Force!”
Chuck Norris, the king of
ese himself, stars in this clas-
example of bad ’80s action
rs. A grizzled Lee Marvin
he Dirty Dozen”) also fills out
cast, as well as Robert Vaughn
he Man from U.N.C.L.E.”),
Mystery Science Theater
K) fans will be glad to see
rtin Balsam, who played in the
Icious “Mitchell.”
“The Delta Force” starts out
"Sabrina 2” by David Hahn
Pen and ink on paper, 2000
r
I
I
I
Wed., April 20
I Jen and her X’s
I 8:30 p.m.
White Eagle Saloon
I Free (21+)
I
Thurs., April 21
I Twelve
Thirty, Lying
I Awake, Klementyne,
I guests
8 p.m.
I Paris Theater
I $8 (All ages)
I
Velvet Revolver,
I Hoobastank
I 7 p.m.
Coliseum
I Memorial
$37.50 (All ages)
I
Fri., April 22
I
Sound Tribe Sector 9
I 9 p.m.
I Roseland Theatre
I $17 (All ages)
L
1
I
I
I
Puffy AmiYumi
I
7 p.m.
The Crystal Ballroom
I
$20 advance/$22 day of
I
show (All ages)
I
Sat., April 23
I
Living Legends, Jedi
I
Mind Tricks, Pigeon
John
I
9 p.m.
I
The Roseland Theatre
I
$15 (All ages)
I
The Black Halos, The
I
Bones, Civit
9 p.m.
I
Tonic Lounge
I
$8 (21+)
I
The Waiters
I
9 p.m.
I
Crystal Ballroom
$20 advance/$25 day of I
show (All ages)
I
J
Concert Calendar
: every movie should - with
■Take, for instance, one scene
■ere the lead terrorist, con
RotGut
The CCCArt Department Presents,..
iuck Norris, king
cheese, holds his
'■one while managing
kick terrorist booty
ig explosion. No, really. The
p' first image of the film is a
It explosion. Unfortunately,
pgs can only go downhill from
—Itart like that. The good news
ost of this movie is uninten-
illy funny, due to the Chuck
is factor and the horrible
liesized soundtrack.
he plot of “The Delta Force”
Ives around a plane of
means hijacked by Arab ter-
ts. The plane is diverted to
diddle East, and after nego-
ins break down, it’s up to ol’
:k and his elite group of com-
dos to take care of business
i Delta Force way.
his film was part of a string
luper-patriotic movies that
¡released in the ’80s, such as
1 Dawn” and “Rocky IV,” so
>n the lookout for close-ups
American flags, stereotyped
igners, and macho American
ide. If this vacuous movie
d be said to have a message,
luldbe, “Don’t mess with the
Seal Clubber or Accordion
Thief’s quest for glory, but they
are so easily attainable that the
old notion of “farming” or using
“mules” is thrown completely out
the window.
It is currently free to sign up
for the ever-changing and grow
ing beta of die KOL, so why the
hell not give it a try? In no time
flat, you will be decked out in a
F3d0r4 and Penguin Shorts while
carrying a Star Sword, and have
a Blood-Faced Volleyball as a
familiar.
Photo courtesy of MGM
founded by the Delta Force’s
supreme battle prowess, pleads
with Chuck Norris over die radio
for quarter:
“Is that you American!? We
want to negotiate! Negotiate! Do
you hear me?”
Chuck blows up the radio with
his machine gun and says in a
manly, lumbeijack type of voice:
“Loud and clear.”
What makes this movie a gem
is that it grows in levels of ridicu
lousness as it progresses. At
first, it is simply bad, but then
it moves to silly bad. And then,
without warning, it shoots into
the stratosphere of silly; Chuck
Norris hops onto a rocket-firing
motorcycle and starts blowing
bad guys to high heaven. Prepare
for many close-ups of Chuck giv
ing the bad guys the squinty, “bad
as I wanna be” stare.
By the time you get to the
last scene where file rescued pas
sengers are flying home, hoisting
Budweisers above their head and
singing “America the Beautiful,”
you know you’re in the pres
ence of truly awful cinema - bad
acting, bad plot, and bad taste.
I highly recommend picking up
this classic “B” movie if you
can’t find any reruns of “Walker,
Texas Ranger” on the tube.