Look for CWH predictions for Y3K in our next issue!
Styrofoam banned in the U.S. for the year 2000
SANDY LUPO
Copy Editor
Dateline Wed. Dec. 1, Salem
Emergency legislation to ban
styrofoam and plastic wrap
from all Oregon schools was
approved overwhelmingly Fri
day when legislators preparing
to return home for the holidays
were called back to their sen
ate and house seats.
There was no debate, in light
of the Food and Drug Admin
istration (FDA) report distrib
uted Thursday evening to all
members of the congress, clas
sifying material used to manu
facture these products “toxic
when exposed to over long pe
riods of time.”
John Keyser, college presi
dent, said, “This is no cause
for panic. We’re grateful a po
tential hazard has been discov
ered in items we can easily dis
pose of; the state is funding
the removal, and we will be fin
ished with the work and the
campus will be perfectly safe
for students returning in Janu
ary.
dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane
The order allows state col (DDT), a fatal nerve poison
leges to enlist Oregon Na banned in the US by President
tional Guard soldiers living in Nixon in 1973. This is the first
their district for the removal recorded finding of DDT since
duty on campus and allows the the Department of Environmen
biology and environmental tal Quality (DEQ) classified the
students to volunteer, wearing chemical “eradicated” in
America in
special, protective
1983, after 50
clothing.
years of its
College-age stu
use in this
dents have used
country as a
these materials for
We are now so
pesticide and
up to 20 years, and
cure for such
are
the
advanced in
diseases as
legislature’s first
science that our
yellow fever
priority, with cam
and malaria.
puses across the
detection of tox
Last
state ordered to
ins is much
week the toxin
clear out the non-
was discov
biodegradable
sooner.
ered in plastic
goods over the
wrap (origi
holidays and to
Dan Lundy
nally called
notify every en
Advisor
to
Clackamas'
“Saran Wrap”
rolled student not
environmental quality dept.
by its inven
to come back Jan.
tor
Sarah
3
without
a
Warp) which
doctor’s certifi
is used to wrap food being
cate of good health.
Next to college students, the saved; and the floppy and firm
elderly and ill are at greatest styrofoam cups used for drink
risk from the chemical ing everything, and found at
Holly Haven /
new political science Instructor
every campus water fountain.
James Gould, newly con
firmed president of the school
Associated Student Govern
ment (ASG), reminded students
calling him over the weekend
that Oregon college students
are the healthiest and most fit
population in the country,
raised with clean air and water
and reverence for nature and
exercise.
“We will calmly gather the
facts and take appropriate
steps to eliminate any danger,”
he said. “Be cool.”
Gould, who replaced the
ousted elected ASG president
Jennifer Rankin, is moving to
Wyoming over the holiday
break and plans to complete his
Bachelor of Science degree at
the University of Wyoming at
Laramie within three years.
“I’ll miss my ASG team and
the campus,” he said.
The Salem legislators or
dered the state printing office
to stay open 24 hours a day
until every Oregon school, be
ginning with the colleges, has
received the emergency order
Antichrist visits campus
MANDY GOOD
Staff Writer
Say hello to our
Page 5 Girl!!
This buxom blonde is the
recently hired political
science instructor on
campus. Holly Haven
earned her degree from
the University of
Arkansas in 1996 and
spent the past three
years working in South
Africa. Holly keeps her
34C-24-34 physique sleek
and toned by doing
underwater aerobics
three times a week.
and compliance is underway.
The federal congress passed
nearly identical emergency leg
islation in Washington Mon
day and ordered the Depart
ment of Education and the Haz
ardous Waste Agency to begin
work immediately.
President Clinton thanked the
congress fortheir immediate action
and told the country the US envi
ronmental emergency response
system is the most admired in the
world and has this crisis well un
der control.
Dan Lundy, advisor to Clacka
mas’ environmental quality de
partment, reassured, “We are
now so advanced in science that
our detection of toxins is much
sooner, and anti-toxins far more
effective and available. In the
next few months we’ll probably
have one in injection form, like
penicillin, and it won’t only cure,
it will prevent.
“ We are making progress clean
ing up our planet now that we have
the force of government with us—
just like discrimination legislation
brought about true equal rights in
America, finally, by the year 2001.”
Suspicion of the Antichrist on
campus was confirmed Monday
with the apprehension of Nash
Larey, who was an active member
of the Campus Crusade for Christ
student club.
The day will now be remem
bered throughout the world as the
Day of the Devil and for the Span
ish Dia de la Devil. The Antichrist
targeted the campus before the
rest of the world in order to take
the minds of the young away from
eternal salvation.
“My mission is not over, I will
be your Messiah and you will fol
low me and believe in the ways
that 1 believe,” said Larey during
his apprehension.
Larey and many other members
of the Campus Crusade for Christ
have been spreading the false
word of God throughout the cam
pus. There is suspicion this oc
cult group may now be planning
to branch out to other college cam
puses. Antichrist Larey is posi
tive he has taught his followers
enough to minister to others.
“My people are among all of you,
how do you know that what you
have been taught is the truth?
Maybe you have been taught the
ways of my people,” said Larry as
he laughed his way into the police
car.
Counseling and evaluations will
be available in the Help Center for
anyone who may have come in
contact with the Antichrist.
“ If you have the slightest wor
ries that you may have been nega
tively influenced, or given informa
tion that has put you in a lose-lose
situation, don’t hesitate to reach
out to the Help Center for assis
tance,” said John Keyser, college
president.
There are no fees for the coun
seling or evaluation offered in the
Help Center. Assistance will be
available through the entire tribu
lation.
“ Be cautious of the people you
trust, there are many people out
there on our campus who are
spreading false information and
dooming the students of Clacka
mas,” said Keyser.
THE
CLACKAMAS WORLD NEWS
The student newspaper of Planet Clackamas
TI he P r I nt sucks
Turn-Ons: Barbeque
sauce and Stonehenge
Turn-Offs: Cork board
and retreads
CLACKAMAi WOULD HEWi
JANUARY 5, 2000