The Clackamas Print Page 9
Wednesday, May 17,1995
FEATURES
Photography victimizes subjects with strangeness
by Linda Barr Batdorf
Staff Writer
at his nether end. Imagine the ex
pressions exhibited in the photo
People have always done graphs this gentleman took. He’d
weird things when having their cough, sputter, hack, then turn
picture taken and they probably around, shoot us a moon and say,
always will.
“Smile!”
Photographs can be disturb
Not only were our pictures
ing if you think about them long upsetting to sit through, but they
enough. Virtually anyone is able attempted to shoot a silhouette
to take a moment out of your life, picture of Alan and fit my head
freeze it on a piece of film and into his cranium in a kind of scary
can then haunt you with it for the “Return of the Body Snatchers”
rest of your natural days.
kind of way.
One incident at Fred Meyer
We didn’t purchase many of
stands out in my memory. I re these, but the photo offered many
ally don’t know why I was hav years of amusement in the years
ing portraits taken in Eve’s res to follow.
taurant. This is still a mystery to
A similar experience oc
me, but I think I wasaccosted by curred every year in grade school
a psychotic salesman and caved when it came time for school pic
into his shpiel as a means of es tures to be taken.
cape, I’m not sure.
Our kindly photographer had
The fact remains that my lost several fingers and insisted
husband and I arrived on sched on holding up his digit-less hand
ule afor our “shoot”and immedi for compassionate, mournful chil
ately felt stupid, being the only dren to view as he said, “Look at
adults in a long line of infants and my hand and smile!”
preschoolers who were waiting to
One day before one such por
have portraits taken. As the line trait session, I had gotten a black
worked its way
past the green
Jello and cottage
cheese beside the
buffet, we noticed
that the photogra
pher had a horrible
cough. It was one
of those coughs
that made you
wince. He’d go
“cough !
' wheeeeeeze.liack-'
hack-hack, ker-
splatttum,” and
then everyone in
line except the
horrified infants,
would look the
other way, cringe
and wince. We got
into a rhythm.
He’d cough, we’d
turn and wince,
he’d cough,- we’d
turn and wince
and only once in a
while need to wipe ourselves off. eye at the zoo. (It’s not what you
It was a little like being in line think, I mean I hadn’t gotten into
for a firing squad.
a scuffle with a monkey or any
Anyway, this fellow also thing, I had been looking at the
seemed artistically inspired by the hippos and saw the big hand rail
feel of his pants resting half-way ing only a split second before I
down his backside. (Alan and I thrust my eye socket firmly into
thought he must have been a it.)
Mom put make-up over my
plumber by day.) As we inched
our way up the long and winding puffy eye as best she could for
line, our photographer set the school pictures the next day, but
mood by making darned sure that being a third grader, the make
each of us had a good long look up didn’t help much.
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Maybe it had something to so
with the wrestling and tumbling
I’d done prior to the photo shoot
that made my hair look like it had
been styled by a weed-eater, and
my clothing look as if I had slept
in it the night before, I’m not re
ally certain.
Tam certain that the final
product was not one of my best
school portraits, and believe it or
not, it wasn’t my worst, either.
Photographs are really quite
telling. I notice that as we get
older, we get less and less anx
ious to “look at the birdie.”
When going through old
photo albums, we get the supreme
pleasure of looking at how good
we USED to look, when we
thought we didn’t look all that
great, only now, since we’re older,
we look worse.
So, not only do we get the
awful reminder that we look
worse than we did when we
thought we didn’t look all that
hot, but we also get to bask in the
notion that we aren’t going to
look much better, either.
There are other things as in
evitable as aging.
Take for example pictures of
people doing “bunny ears” behind
each other’s heads. In just about
every photo ever taken in the fam
ily, someone had their hands be
hind someone’s head giving them
bunny ears. Does everyone do
that, or is it some sort of genetic
deal?
musical groups in there.
We also point cameras at
Is it now a fad for musicians
each other and snap away with to appear contentious and mo
gay abandon, getting fine photos rose? Some of them look as if
of cameras in front of faces. We they’ve just had root canals with
have shots of the dog relieving out opening their mouths.
himself in the yard, cars we once
Maybe these grumpy ones
owned and birthday cakes long have just given each other a lot of
ago digested and transformed into paper cuts or have all just been
fat upon our unphotogenic thighs, flushed with a high colonic.
Why do we do this? Why do
I don’t trust people who don’t
we want a picture of a cake? Why smile. They make me nervous.
are men compelled to take pic Some of these musicians look as
tures of old automobiles?
if they are plotting the overthrow
I mean, I seriously doubt if of something.
we will be “remembering the
Can someone explain to me
times of our lives” like this:
why “looking cool” to them
‘Watcha lookin’ at, Ma?”
means looking contemptible and
“Gee, honey...I just got out cranky? I don’t get it. Looking
the album of old birthday cakes,
happy isn’t “in,” yet being happy
it brings back such wonderful and leading a good life is what a
memories...”
lot of them are singing about. I
“Can I get out our album of just don’t get it.
old cars we’ve owned and sold?”
Maybe they just need to
“Oh sure, hon...but let me lighten up a little. Personally, I’d
call Dad in first. You know how like to see them all give each other
much he loves to look at pictures bunny ears.
of the Desoto.”
“Ihateseein’
him
cry,
Ma...can’t we just
get out the slides
of people taking
pictures of each
other?”
“Good idea,
son...and what a
fun
evening
we’re in store for,
too.”
Now, I’m
jtísfctfñóüá abb’üt~’
cakes, cars and
cameras,
but
other pictures
can be downright
irritating.
Take those
pictures when so-
called friends
sneak up on
in ’the dark"
scream “SUR
PRISE!!!” while
wildly snapping
pictures of your
coronary.
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