OPINION
From the
editor...
Flatulence a necessary, if funny, act
When the US. first invaded
Panama I didn’t think much of
Animals of all species flatu-
late. A natural and necessary act,
and among humans, sometimes
embarrassing, more often funny,
considering the time, place and
circumstances.
Since time immemorial, great
writers have written about the
phenomenon: the Greeks,
Chaucer,
John
Donne,
Shakespeare, and our own Mark
Twain.
In “1601”, Mark Twain tells
the story of an incident in the
court of Queen Elizabeth. An
informal gathering of courtiers and
noblemen and ladies were social
izing in a closet, or chamber, pay
ing homage, to good Queen Bess.
The usual chit-chat was going on,
very much like a modem cocktail
party.
Suddenly, a sound of thun
der-clap proportions filled the
room. In the words of the narra
tor: “I, being her majesty’s cup
bearer, had no choice but to re-
maine and beholde, rank forgot,
and ye high holde converse with
ye low as upon equal terms, a grete
scandal did ye world heare thereof.
it, other than, “Oh, well. We
finally decided to get Noriega.”
After all, I’ve been out of the
Army for almost two years now.
Why should I worry?
But as I left for work that
night I suddenly remembered
my friend Bob Lawrence, who is
a sergeant in the 82nd Airborne
Division. Bob and I had served
in the same platoon together at
Fort Campbell, and we are still
good friends. “Did Bob have to
go?” I thought. Then I began to
worry. After all, the thought of a
dose friend being shot at doesn’t
make me very happy.
So all night as I helped in
the Christmas rush at UPS I had
visions of Bob in Central Amer
ica, doing three-to-five second
rushes through the streets of
Panama City and acting as the
“cutting edge of U.S. foreign
policy.” The only comforting
thought was that Bob had been
stationed in Panama for two years
and at least knew the area.
After I got home I called
Bob’s house at Fort Bragg, hop
ing at least to talk to his wife. I
was awfully surprised when Bob
answered the phone.
“Bob? Are you o.k.? You
didn’t have to go to Panama?”
“No, dammit, I didn’t get to
go. I’ve been in the Army for six
years and I’m still here. My stink
ing little brother has been in six
months and he got to go.” Not
quite the reaction I was expect
ing.
Bob had actually been jeal
ous of his brother, and the oth
ers who would get to wear a
“CIB,” the Combat Infantry
man’s Badge worn by those who
had served in a combat zone. I
thought soldiers were supposed
to dread actually going to war. I
don’t think the fact that I feared
the thought of armed conflict
during the four years I was a
“grunt” makes me any less of a
man. It is the fear and loathing
of war that is supposed to keep
mankind from engaging in con
flict. Soldiers aren’t supposed
to relish the thought of taking
lives. And are little bits of metal
worn on a uniform really worth
the risk in earning them,let alone
the cost in lives?
I do believe the invasion of
Panama was a good move on the
part of the Bush administration.
For those who don’t agree, just
ask any Panamanian citizen;
they’re all ecstatic at being “lib
erated” from a drug-using/push-
ing tyrant. But the attitude that
war is something to be looked
forward to is completely wrong.
It is a dangerous product of the
violence of society, typified in
the “Rambo” movies and other
action/adventure flicks. The
actors “killed” in these movies
get up and walk away when the
director says, “Cut!”
I wonder if Bob is jealous of
the twenty-plus Americans who
got to go to Panama but came
home with flags draped over
I them?
“In ye heat of ye talk it befell deed as my own but in all honesty,
yt one did breake wind, yielding I cannot.” One by one the Queen
an exceeding mightie and distress nodded to each in the room. One
ful stink, whereat all did laugh full by one, the courtiers responded in
sore, and then”: Faces blanched kind, each praising the exploit of
and horror was written in their the member of the group respon
expressions. An odiferous gas sible.
“Then there was silence, and
assailed the nostrils of the guests
and the Queen. No one left, al each did turn toward the worship
ful Sir Walter
though that was
Raleigh,
the
the general incli
browned, em
nation. As pan
demonium was
The Laugh Clinic battled, bloody
swash-buckler
replaced by calm
who rising up did
and interest in
Joseph Patrick Lee
smile, and simper
what the Queen
ing say -
would say, Queen
“Yes your Royal
Bess spoke in most magis
Highness, “Twas I, your humble
terial tones.
“Who did that?” No one servant that did it; but indeed it
spoke. She surveyed the group. was so poor and frail a note,
One by one. Those near her compared with such as I am wont
shrugged their shoulders as if to to furnish, yt in sooth, I was
say, “Search me”. A determined, ashamed to call the weakling mine
royal look came over her face and in so august a presence.”
“With that he delivered him
she pointed to Lady Alice, who
self of such a godless and rock
disavowed the performance.
As did Lady Margery, Ben Jon shivering blast that all were fain
son, Lord Bacon, “Will Shaxpur.” to stop their ears.”
The cup-bearer narrator goes
Each applauded the flatulation-
ist. “Would that I could claim the on to say that Sir Walter apolo
gized that he was weak that day.
Then the conversation moved on
to other ribaldries and customs of
the day.
The New College Edition of
the American Heritage Diction
ary of the English has this entry:
fart (FART) intr.v. farted,
farting, farts.
VULGAR. To expel intestinal gas
through the anus; break wind.-n.
l.Vulgar. A usually audible anal
discharge of intestinal gas. 2.
VULGAR SLANG. A mean,
contemptible person. [Middle
English fatten, Old English feor-
tan (unattested), see perd- in
appendix*], perd-to fart Germanic
*fertan, ■ *fertan, in Old
English*feortan to fart: FART
¿.Greek perdix, partridge (which
makes a sharp whirring sound when
suddenly flushed): PARTRIDGE
See also variant root pezd. [Pok.
ped-819.
I put that last paragraph in to
give this essay a bit of class and
erudition to satisfy any possible
qualms about the subject matter.
In the Halls of Academe one can
get away with murder if intelli
gent research effort is indicated.
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More news...
ASG Position opens
by Aaron Brown
Staff Writer
A senatorial position on the
ASG has opened up due to
Mackeeba Shaugnessy’s failure
to maintain academic standards
last term.
Troy Kerr, another senator,
was placed on probation, also
due to his performance last term.
“I didn’t take it as seriously
as I should have,” commented
Kerr, “I hope to improve this se
mester.” Shaugnessy was unavail
able for comment.
The reason for the actions
taken by ASG are a result of a
failure by both Shaugnessy and
Kerr to maintain a 2.5 GPA or a
Cumulative of 2.0 GPA or bet
ter. Kerr had grounds for an
appeal since he completed a
required three credits in order
for a possible reinstatement. The
appeals board (consisting of ASG
Advisor, two ASG Senators, an
ASG Officer, and one Counselor)
decided to uphold the appeal,
after Kerr presented his case.
Shaugnessy could not file an
Clackamas $rint
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Clackamas Community College,
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•1
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a*
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Page 2
January 10,1990
THE CLACKAMAS PRINT
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appeal since she did not meet
the requirements.
This action is more positive
than past fall semesters for ASG.
In previous years, the ASG has
lost at least five senators or more,
according to ASG President Gar
rett Lytle.
“On average, everyone did
a pretty good job,” stated Lytle.
Lytle hopes that the turnover of
ASG senators remains low.
The position of senator is
open for anyone who wishes to
apply. Applicants must be regis
tered for a minimum of eight
credits per term, and maintain a
2.5 GPA for the term of a cumu
lative GPA of 2.0.
The opening will be avail
able from Jan- 8th thru 12th,
with interviewing to commence
Jan. 16 from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. and
Jan. 17 from 3:30 p.m. to 5 p.m..
Selection will be on Wednesday.
ASGwantstofill the position by
the 17th, so the senator can at
tend a seminar commencing on
Jan 19th.
“Fall
term... (can be) a bitch,” Lytle
concluded.
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87.34
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-1.06
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14
72.06
-1.19
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15
62.15
-1.07
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0.04
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0.15
0.22
0.36
0.51
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