Image provided by: Clackamas Community College; Oregon City, OR
About Cougar print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1976-1977 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1977)
ugar print Friday, April Fool, 1977 M Wl -■ -y’SK* ecurity promises quick eradication Neutria rapes campus women ¡Women walking alone at night on the lackamas Community College campus Buld £void the Ecology Pond/Arboretum ea, according to Stan Johnson, chief of nus security. Approximately 18 women have been Rally assaulted by a giant neutria who has been making its home near the pond, nd Johnson. | The women report that the giant animal |eps up behind the blooming forsythia tore making its strike. "It bonked me on the back of the head th its huge buck teeth," said one uniden- itified miss. "I didn't have a chance to defend By honor." [Other victims have reported a similar nodusoperendi, said Johnson. I Explanation of the phenomenon was not lick to come from Jerry Hermann, direc tor of the unnatural preserve which flourishes in the fetid soil long ago discarded as a rotten jam dumping ground by the Smuckers capitalist manufacturing firm. |['It'shard to explain," said Hermann. "I'd Bther keep the whole thing quiet." ■The¡neutria has been in residence at the pond since early fall. Originally, it was thought to be a male, but birth of a litter of neutria pups waylaid those thoughts. Hermann immediately arranged for a sex change operation for the yellow-toothed fuzzy. Funds for the emergency expenditure came from the college contingency fund after Hermann brought his request before the CCC Board of Education. The Board and Dr. John Hakanson, college president, agreed to grant the request after expressing fears that the college would be overrun with neutria. "This would have rar fications on our Title IX obligations," saia Hakanson. Florence Lee, CCC biology instructor, explained the massive rapid growth of the neutria to a hormonal and glandular im balance. "The sex change was just too much for him/her," said Lee. "By day the neutria sits on duck eggs, by night it rapes innocent women." Lee warned that further sexual assaults by the neutria could include men. "This animal is all mixed up," she said. By today, unrest had spread throughout the campus. Every department expressed fears. "It's a communist plot," said CCC assis tant football coach Tim Hundley. "They've poisoned our water and now it's raping our women." "We have to protect our public image as it's almost budget time," said Dave McNabb, CCC community relations specialist. "Be sides, I really rather not get involved." McNabb said a lengthy interview of the neutria will be available next month in the People, Places and Things column of The Community, an in-house organ. ASG president Charlie Bennett voiced worries that a deluge of neutria on campus would result in yet another special ‘ terest club at CCC. "Just as long as they buy their own postal meter," said Hakanson. Meanwhile, Johnson has been organizing a special S.W.A.N. team to begin prepara tions for the giant neutria's extermination. "We might be able to do it with napalm," said Johnson, a Vietnam veteran. "But our accuracy is of the utmost importance. We have to down the vermin in handicapped zone." Inside This issue is a put on. None of these stories are factual. Would we lie to you on April Fools Days?
