Image provided by: Clackamas Community College; Oregon City, OR
About The print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1977-1989 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1989)
News The MisPrint April 1,1989 Page 2 Piller’s group eludes party Dissident dispatch NOTE: This letter is being published to give voice to our misguided opposition, but was edited to remove falsehoods by the state censor. by Yuri Smelzbadd Staff Writer Three days ago the evil dic tator of the opposition, Col. Rick Piller, launched a doomed attack upon the glorious forces of CCCP. Col. Piller narrowly escaped the clutches of the Min ister of State Security Stan Johnson. To the editor, Ninety-nine martyrs of the I am sick and tired of all revolution had their lives these damn that are getting in my face all the time. snuffed out by the dregs who fol lowed the diabolical colonel. "Peristroyka, glasnost." ' They are now buried in the ¿■MT Ever since those MBlMMBMM our esteemed walls of the community center. The Committee of the school I have had to wait in lines for everything from my Daughters of the Revolution has sworn to abstain from vocal in lunch to my condoms. Now you ■■■■■ tercourse until the beast has ^■■¿in the "Ministry of Infor been caught. The lone survivor of the at mation". (^BMMMHM* have tack was able to give us the the ** to tell me that capitalism is going to be the story: "It was awful. That downfall of man and that Capitalist running-dog hamster religion is the poor man’s opiate. Hell, give me WMMdP and<MMM^any day co-operative by Kaptain Kommie work houses. Staff Writer ■■¿■■■■■■■■■b are Glorious days are upon us, what made this country great comrades!! The evil decadence and you ?■■■■■■■■■£ of that vermin, John Keyser, has are trying to been purged from our midst. ■■Don’t you ¿■■MB know Royce Kiser, a great hero about the ¿MMM|?!?!?!?!?! of the people, is now Secretary I guess not. Well let me tell you: General of the Supreme Col it was made to keep ■■■■■ legiate. The old secretary, the at bay and out of theMMMML aforementioned scumbag U.S. of A., not for ¿MMRk Keyser, was ousted by the ■■■*■* likeMMbto wipe people in a fit of outrage over ■■■■'with! his capitalist yearning for a Thank ¿HMB for SMMH* brand new Jeep Cherokee, sym likeMMMMM IfWMMMM bol of western corruption. you’d have T-80s and SS- Royce Kiser showed his 20s moving down Pennsylvania love of the people (and political Ave. in a May Day celebration. responsibility) by donating the Jeep to the Supreme Collegiate. Sincerely, with love, This wonderful gift enabled the Earl Snotheim Supreme Collegiate to continue their research into the extreme decadence of the capitalist loving enemy of the people at tacked with a fury that could only be matched by the most dangerous Afghani. The stink ing scut-nozzle jumped out from behind the boilers in the rear of Barlow, blowing big gaping holes in all my comrades. The only reason I was able to escape was because I ran away and hid behind the People’s Cherokee. As I peered out from the safety of the bumper, I watched "Driller" Piller rip the Party’s forces into nothing more than heaps of quivering, oozing flesh. "He was yelling, ‘Morton Downey for all and Bryant Gumble for the meat grinder!!’ over and over as he slaughtered the last of my friends that I had abandoned by ripping out their jugulars with an old copy of The Print that had Piller’s column in it. Luckily, I fainted into a pud dle of my own urine." The War-mongering im perialistic flatulent monster truck driving dogmatic goat with one thousand young left handed bad movie enthusiast (a check, Donald Trump and a religion) bastard of a mousse using burger flipper is still free, dam mit Colonel Rick Piller, leader of the resistance, leads a doomed attack on Randall Hall in which 99 heroes of the people were killed. Kiser replaces Keyser as party secretary world. The esteemed members of the Collegiate gathered some very good information in their trip to the decadent Oregon coast where they researched the phenomena known as "spring break" The Jeep redeemed itself by proving to possess a large area in the rear for the people to sleep off the effects of infor mation gathering. Unfortunate ly, having fifty odd (mostly odd) members of the Collegiate stuffed into a donated Com munist ex-running dog Jeep Cherokee made the various government officials rather crab by, and several fist fights oc curred on the way home. This has been subsequently banned by the Collegebureau, e.g., Animal Farm. Royce Kiser proved his worth as a leader type stooge, er, we mean an excellent ex ample of Communist generosity by completely ignoring all the scratches and dents, not to men tion the second hand malt beverages that were (somewhat) accidentally left on the floor of the vehicle. Kiser further helped his status by holding down the un believably evil John Keyser while he was tied to the con- viently located trailer hitch and dragged around the parking lot. This, off course, was done with typical Communist humanitarian efficiency. Student Opinions What is your favorite Communist slogan? "The dictatorship of the proletariat is necessary, and victory over the borgeoise is impossible without a long, stubborn, and desperate war of life and death..." "The Communist Party must never run out of vodka..." "...capitalism cannot be defeated and eradicated without the ruthless suppression of the resistance of the exploiters..." "Contempt for death must spread among the masses and thus secure victory..." ! < L* a* b* 1 39.12 13.24 15.07 2 1 3 49.87 65.43 -4.34 18.11 -22.29 18.72 4 44.26 -13.80 22.85 5 55.56 9.82 -24.49 D50 Illuminant, 2 degree observer 6 70.82 -33.43 -0.35 7 63.51 34.26 59.60 8 39.92 11.81 * -46.07 9 52.24 48.55 18.51 Density-------- ► 10 97.06 -0.40 1.13 11(A) 92.02 -0.60 0.23 12 87.34 -0.75 0.21 13 82.14 -1.06 0.43 14 72.06 -1.19 0.28 15 62.15 -1.07 0.19 0.04 0.09 0.15 0.22 0.36 0.51 ■
