The print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1977-1989, April 01, 1989, April Fools, Image 1

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Volume 1, Number 1
Ministry of Information Services
The Official Publication of the Clackamas College Communist Party
Week ends in bloodless coup
by Comrade Zubkov
Staff Liar
A bizarre week ended
Thursday with a bloodless coup
that ousted the CCC Associated
Student Government.
Witnesses said that an
armed group calling themselves
the United Student Social
Reform Revolutionary Front
took control of the ASG offices.
Rumors run rampant as to
the whereabouts of former ASG
President (Keep the) Faith
Taylor. While it has been specu­
lated that she met with foul play
comrade Paul Kyllov, spokes­
man for the front, denied these
"Comrade Taylor has mere­
ly been exiled to Chemeketa
Community College Party for
political re-indoctrination and
work on her grades," he said.
Student government was
renamed The Student Central
Commitee and it is expected
that long time party strongman
Norm Bernzinski will be an­
nounced as chairman and politi­
cal commissar at a news con­
ference tomorrow.
Reactions varied among much one way or another as now we can get Arvydas
campus faculty members. "I long as we can field a champion­ Sabonis playing for the Red
think it was a change that was ship basketball team," he Cougars next season. Heck,
needed," said Linda Volkov, ad­ quipped. "You have to look at we’d be undefeated."
visor to the Ministry of Informa­ the bright side of this...hopefully
tion Services. "The party knows
what’s best for us. ASG needed
political reorganization so that
the masses could function more
smoothly. And besides, their
grades were terrible."
Political Science Teacher
John Rau, a noted imperialist
warmonger, disagreed. "I’ve
been warning people for a long
time that something like this
would happen if we didn’t draw
the line on communism, welfare,
food stamps, medicare, social
security and all those other
worthless commie programs,"
Rau declared. "Those stinking
reds think they can just come in
here and take over like they did
at Chemeketa. Well, let me tell
you: there are still a few of us
real Americans around that own
guns and are not afraid to use
Ipea Uchit (R), the new leader of the People’s Student
Minister of Athletics Royce Government, and Uchit Ipea (L), assistant leader, stand in front
Kischev was indifferent to the of the headquarters from which they staged their successful coup.
new developments. "I don’t care
KGB trailer destroyed in attack
■ by Comrade Zuhkov
■ Staff Liar
A bomb destroyed the cam­
fl pus KGB trailer Thursday, kill­
fl ing and injuring 25 people. An
■ ultra right-wing terrorist group
■ known as the Committee to Re-
■ elect Faith (CREEF) claimed
■ responsibility for the act.
An experienced intemation-
■ al mercenary, terrorism is noth­
ing new to Rick Piller, the man
believed to be the head of the
group. Piller was last seen kill­
children for cocaine in Central
America. Ever the egotist, Piller
telephoned an interview to the
Ministry of Information.
'Who cares about them?"
Pillar said. "Commies are like
animals: they don’t got no
economic climate in America
you have to go to where you can
get your fair price per head to
kill commies."
Pillar’s attitude on the
tombing of the KGB trailer was
entirely different however. "That
was different. I don’t want
people thinking that I’m cold
blooded and ,heartless. I love
America and I do stuff like that
for free for Uncle Sam. They
deserved to die...those are the
people that keep trying to take
away my AK-47 and they were
the .Bolshevik scum that in­
vented them," Piller complained.
Piller warned that there
would be more terrorist activity
in the future. "I’m gonna take a
bunch of party bigshots hostage
and kill one of them a day until
Faith is reinstated and these
ridiculous charges on my friend
Ollie North are dropped," he
This is all that remains of the KGB trailer after a terrorist
bombing by the Committee to Re-Elect Faith (CREEF).
The MisPrint is the April Fool’s edition of the CCC
student newspaper and is completely fictional. It is not
meant to be malicious or spiteful; it is merely good-na­
tured satire. If you have absolutely NO sense of humor
read no further. The contents of this publication are
bound to confuse the collective redneck brain cell shared
by the humorless inhabitants of this backwater area. In
other words, if you don’t think The MisPrint is funny,
and/or take offense at this publication, we don’t really
give a damn because Larry Flynt insured freedom of
satire for all!!
Party paper
This paper represents the
first issue of the official publica­
tion of the Clackamas College
Communist Party (CCCP) Mini­
stry of Information Services. It
replaces the bourgeois capitalist
rag, "The Print," which was a
tool of the imperialist American
Though we know you are
all loyal party members, you
may be wondering what hap­
pened to the capitalist pigs that
used to staff the old regime’s
Christopher Curran, Managing
Editor Caree Hussey, and most
of the other old staff were sent
to a forced labor camp in Clair­
mont Hall ("little Siberia"),
where they now serve the
people in a more productive
fashion in the State Condom
Testing Division.
Unfortunately the biggest
enemy of the people, movie
critic Rick Piller, was deported
to Oregon City where he
formed a resistance movement.
Minister of State Security Stan
Johnson informed the Ministry
that his team of brave comrades
is closing in on Colonel Piller’s
band of ill-equipped, mal­
nourished mercenaries.
April 1,1989
Training to be
The Ministry of Training
will conduct mandatory
guerrilla warfare classes
beginning next week.
The classes will be held
from 12:30 to 3 p.m. in the
field behind McLoughlin
Hall. ALL loyal party
members are expected to
executions set
for next week
Remaining members of
department will be shot
next Thursday, according
to Minister of State
Security Stan Johnson.
Craig Lesley, Tom
Richards, Mike Kepler, and
Annette Andre will be
executed at noon Apr. 6
for extreme liberalism and
crimes against the people.
New faculty
Four new indoctrination
specialists have joined the
CCCP english department
Richavsky, Mike Keplov,
Annette Andrei, and Craig
Leslovich were hired from
the State School of Party
Literature in Kiev to
replace four recently
departed members of the
english staff.
New history
texts stocked
Several new history texts
have replaced the inaccurate
volumes that were being
used oil campus.
The new texts were
written by CCCP members
and correct inaccuracies
concerning the Soviet
imperialistic policies of the
capitalist nations.