Image provided by: Clackamas Community College; Oregon City, OR
About The print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1977-1989 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1988)
tó. SPORTS \ < . Late breaking news Baseball coaches involved in slimy trade by Joe Uris Sports Editor photo by Emily Orlando Here shown counting his profits on the supposed Andre Dawson deal, he contemplates paying the first of 50 in stallments for his recent hair transplant operation. The Clackamas men’s baseball team, set on winning a northwest championship this season, have gone to some highly unusual methods to make them the favorites in league competition. In a highly top secret investiga tion, this reporter has learned that Clackamas athletic director Dale McGriff, and Clackamas baseball coach Paul Roeder are involved in a scam to recruit ma jor league baseball players. When confronted with these accusa tions, McGriff denied any wrong doing. “Free agency rules allow major league baseball players to play where they choose. In no way, are Coach Paul Roeder, or I using illegal tactics to lure baseball players to Clackamas,” said McGriff. Sources close to the Clackamas athletic department say that McGriff is close to signing free agent Andre Dawson from the Chicago Cubs. Dawson, accor ding to close inside sources, is unhappy playing in Chicago, and would love to play for Clackamas because of the natural grass and the all day game schedule. In a phone conversation with Dawson in his hotel in Mesa, Arizona where the Cubs hold their spring training, Dawson confirmed talk ing to Clackamas personnel. “I have had brief conversations with members of the Clackamas athletic department. I am in terested in what they are saying, but as of this time, there is nothing on paper.” Coach Paul Roeder denies that i Clackams is trying to buy Dawson from the Cubs, but doesn’t deny that Clackamas is very interested. “Are you kid ding? You would have to be crazy not to want him on your club. Heck, he hit 49 out in the Major leagues; I wouldn’t be sur prised to see him double that here.” Officials from the Chicago Cubs confirmed that McGriff has asked to talk to Dawson, but general maganger Jim Fry doesn’t seem concerned about losing him to Clackamas. “There’s not a chance in hell that Andre will leave. Clackams couldn’t come close to paying for his meals, let along his salary.” It is reported that Dawson makes dose to two million dollars a year. McGriff feels that if Dawson signs, paying his salary wouldn’t be a problem. “I would forfeit my salary, sell my car, and work on the side to help,” ex plained McGriff. McGriff also feels that the money made form attendance would help pay Dawson’s hefty salary. “With the addition of Dawson, ticket prices would increase to $10 general ad mission, $15 reserved, and $20 for box seats.” Will Andre come to Clacka- • mas? It looks like there is a 90 percent chance that he will. Look for a press conference Thursday morning to announce the signing of the home run king into a Cougar uniform. ^advertisement guide for new facts6^ “The Book of the They,” an indispensible guide to adding weight and substance to vague and dubious facts! Impress your friends, astound yourself! No longer will you have to credit important information to anonymous hersay. With “The Book of the They” it’s goodbye, “They say that caffeine causes breast lumps.” And hello, “Dr. Swartz says that caffeine causes breast—I mean lumps—oh whatever! ! “The Book of the They” is not just a reference guide. It is also a serious literary housing of history’s greatest insights. Discover with the ancient naturalists, “Can a leper change his spots?” and ponder with the punk theologians, “How many pins can you stick into the head of a dancing angel?” FOR SALE: Three police cars in good shape. Equipped with siren, two way radio, several unused parking tickets and metal cage. Great for Friday nights on Mt. Tabor. Contact Stan Johnson in Public Safety. FOR SALE: 500 used lawn signs. 3000 pamphlets and 1500 mail cards from levy election. We need our living room back. All supplies recyclable. Contact John Keyser Page 4 Subject indexing makes using “The Book of the They” easy and enjoyable. Soon your entire family will be gorging on the fruits of knowledge and regurgitating facts and fancies. All this and more at a low, low cost! “The Book of the They” comes in a handsome 20 volume set, gorgeously bound in genuine imitation nagahyde. The beautiful illustrations and easy- to-read style makes “The Book of the They” open to the entire family, even non-readers! To order “The Book of the They” send a blank sheet or money order to Trailer B. If you order right now you will receive: at no extra cost Elvis’ first posthumous autobiography, “Boy, Do I Feel Dead.” Order now supplies are limited. FOR SALE: Five semi-automatic machine guns, two pairs of hand cuffs, three leather whips and a 500 pound, 14 karat gold chain. Reasonable prices. Contact Joe Uris Celebrate National Collegiate Last Night’s Results BASKETBALL Clackamas 107 California 94 Oregon 106 Seattle 101 FOOTBALL Us 17 Linda 0 Miami 13 Mice 7 Heleenea 94 Kneel 90 We’ll bend over backwards for you Orgasm Week With that special person ASG Presents Complimentary Condoms Available In Kneel Frothingmouth’s office In his office all day Friday. If he ____________ is not in contact: Debbie Baker.______ Classifieds FOR SALE: One very used magic fingers bed. In pretty good shape. Con- ' tact Paul Kyllo ext. 245. FOR SALE: 300 slightly used extra-large jock straps. We have no use for thqjn this year. Contact Royce Kiser in Ran dall Hall. FOR SALE: 200 cyanide laced Tylenol capsules. Great when you want to get rid of the pain for good. Contact Susie in the Student Health Trailer. Debbie Baker accidentally put a“ hole in the floor of the Student Activities Office while clog danc ing yesterday.' Injuries were suffered by Baker and Joan Nixon. Damages are estimated at 13 million dollars. Baker was unable to comment because she had her jaws wired shut at Willamette Falls Hospital. WANTED: 50 year old bald man to serve as flogging partner. Must enjoy nude bowling, Jello Wrestling and moonlit walks on the beach. A WANTED: Partner to study human sex uality with. Must have strong desires to ¡earn the material. Must be willing to try anything. If we are not out eating lunch, at a meeting, playing golf, sleeping, on a date, at a conference or brushing our teeth. CCC Counseling the only place to go LOST: One right wing voters cookbook and sex manual. Last seen in Barlow Hall Lunch area. Contact John Rau, WANTED: The Biology Dept, needs road kill for experiments this term. We are willing to pay $5 for every corpse. Contact Chuck Scott at ext. 278. LOST: Three disease infested opossums. Last seen in Pauling Center over spring break. If you see it don’t touch it just call the Biology Dept. HEY NEALE— We still lust after you and desire your bod. Love The Girls. Clackamas Community College
