Junk News
Editor meets final deadline
New slogan
by Thad Kreisher
Contributing Writer
t
Six individuals, two of whom”
were Clackamas Community
College staff members, and two
students were taken into custody
in connection with secret govern
ment testing of plutonium on
botany students resulting in the
death of botany student and
former Print editor, Dean Grey.
In custody are John Keyser
(a.k.a. Haus Von Shreiber), Paul
Kyllo, Marie “Gestapomoor”
Stoppelmoor, and James “Jim
my B.” Brown. Also being held
are two individuals whose names
have been withheld, but have
been identified as high ranking
CIA officials.
Official government releases
from the White House, the CIA,
and the Nation Security Council
all deny having knowledge of any
involvement and all stress that
“the president certainly didn’t
know.”
The operation seemed to in
dude planting plutonium in two
sealed containers on the Newport
coast where a Clackamas botany I
class was conducting a field trip. I
The containers were allegedly I
planted by Stoppelmoor and
Brown, (see March 4 edition, The
Print). The containers, when
opened, revealed what appeared
to be the embryos of six small I
ocean creatures known as skates. I
However, upon the hospitaliza
tion of four botany students and
instructor Bob Misely for radia
tion poisoning, an official in
vestigation revealed that the Obituary
March 31st Dean Grey, Editor of The Print, died at Willamette’
skates were cleverly disguised
Falls Hospital. Last words were delivered by members of his staff:
lumps of plutonium.
Linda: Now Dean kwnows the meaning of deadlines.
Dean Grey, who was admitted
Yvonne: Sniff, sniff, was his insurance in my name?
to intensive care, died March 31
Thad: If he had only had breast, it could have worked.
from the poisoning.
Mary: Well Dean, it looks like I finally got the last word.
All except Kyllo have refused
Marie: If I hadn’t got you, the Aids would have.
comment on the incident on ad
Sherri: Did his macho aittude pay off?
vice from their attorneys. Kyllo
spoke to reporters saying “Well,
we were just curious.”
An official investigation has
been launched to further explore
the matter and determine if any
I federal wrong doing was actually
Committed. More arrests are ex-
I petted to be made.
. by Thad Kreisher
Contributing writer
Yesterday, in an emergency
announcement to students and
staff, student body president,
Patti Groombridge made public
the knowledge that eight
students and two staff members
have contracted the deadly
AIDS virus.
In her address, Groombridge
advised students and staff say
ing, “What we are dealing with
here is a potentially explosive
situation. The virus is extremely
contagious and very dangerous.
I If we don’t handle this right, we
could have another black plague
on our hands.’’
The identities of the students
land staff infected are being
iwithheld for security reasons.
■Groombridge made it clear,
¡however, that the students
would definately be allowed fo
continue attending classes, and
that afflicted staff members
would remain at their posts.
“The disease cannot be
transmitted through casual, day
to day contact, and, under no
circumstances shall those
students and staff that have
contracted the AIDS virus be
restricted from performing their
duties. We have, however,
taken precautions to prevent
further spread of the disease
and to insure the safety of the
general public.”
Groombridge declined to
comment, however, on just ex
actly what precautions would be
taken. An inside source, who
asked to remain anonymous,
however, said that the special
AIDS committee has considered
using artificial environment
suits similar to those worn by
said, “why don’t we just start a
sjuapnjs atp aABq pun isajuoo
Recently, the Clackamas and community do it. We can
school board has chosen a new give the winner say... $50. Hell,
slogan to represent the college. they’ll fall for it. I mean if we
The decision to change the could pull off the plutonium
slogan is part of a program in testing on botany students
stigated by College president; without anyone catching on,
John “Wayne” Keyser to I’m sure we can do this.”
Keyser loved the idea, and
modernize the college and “pro
pel it through the 80’s”. When U-iaui ijuuis b 0flX>[ S uiai S jays
told that it was almost 1990 raise, made the contest official.
One thing led to another and
however, Dr. Keyser com
now, 67,000 entries and three
mented saying “oh, yeah.”
Other facets of the “moder months later, the decision has
nization package” include a been made.
The‘$15 third place prize went
new logo “the star of David,”
and official college song, (the to Robin Zender for her entry of
theme to the Three Stooges, “Clackamas: your one stop
which is to be played before all education place.” Second prize
sports events and official ($25 and a pack of Marlboro’s),
gatherings) and a mandate went to Steve Sanders for his en
allowing both Communists and try “Clackamas: it’s not a col
women to now attend day lege, it’s a statement.”
classes. The latter has raised Honorable mentions were given
quite a large controversy among to Blake Harland, (“Clackamas:
students and staff alike, but, Love it or leave it”) Shawn
that’s all beside the point, now - zbj ) bj [3B|3,,) ‘SjaqjajBM
Aggressive education”) and ex
isn’t it?
The whole idea to modernize student Advisor, Dana Speilman
the college originated in Debbie for (“Harvard on the Hill”).
In first place and winner of $50
Baker’s “playroom.” Keyser
recalls “We were all just sitting and a year’s suppply of Norm’s
down there having a few beers famous clam chowder was Mike
when suddenly, Paul Kyllo Hufford for his slogan “The city
jumped up and mentioned that is our campus.” When asked to
the old slogan (“Clackamas by comment on his victory, Huffor
the sea”) was both outdated said, “My God, I can’t believe
those people, it was just a joke,
and totally inapporpriate.”
• “I must admit, I agree with and you know, the tragedy of it
him. Clackamas isn’t anywhere all is that I can’t stand clam
near the sea, and barrring an act chowder. I’ve got 100 gallons of
of God, isn’t likely to be in the this crap sitting in my front room
and what am I gonna do with
near future.”
However, upon deciding to it?!!”
When it was mentioned that
change the logo, the committee
was hit with the problem of generally, Oregon City is not con-
finance. They realized that due •sidered to be one of Oregons
to new federal budget cuts that cultural centers, Keyser replied
they couldn’t afford a profes “Well, I feel that the new slogan
sional agency. Once again, Paul gives a positive representation of
Kyllo’s innovation surged to the the college, is more modem, anc
totally appropriate. I mean, it’s
for front.
“Well,” commented Kyllo on just not O.C. We’ve also got
his ingenious solution, “I just - joaboq puB ‘UOJJO3 ‘BnBjop
went up to John Keyser and creek just to name a few.”
by Thad Kreisher
Contributing writer
astronauts. It seems that the
suits are to be worn by (I love
you Marie), the AIDS victims
and several volunteer “decoys”
so to insure that “no one knows
for sure who has the disease.”
Rumor has it that Groom
bridge herself will wear one of
the special suits.
Considering the severity of
the situation, students showed a
surprising amount a empathy
with barely over a dozen in at
tendance at Groombridge’s ad
dress. Groombridge commented
on the shocking display of
laissez-faire saying “Hey, it’s
their funeral.”-
County Health Services
representative, Mary Fitzgerald,
advised the college population
bn AIDS prevention.
“There is no known cure for
AIDS,” said Fitzgerald “Not
even the use of condoms is 100%
safe. What is for sure is that those
who contract the virus are as
good as walking corpses.; Abs
tain! For Christ’s sake, abstain!’
Student reaction to the sitúa
tion is mixed, comments range
from “What? Waddaya mean?
Ain’t no AIDS at Clackamas,”
to “It’s the wrath of God, man.’
As part of the prevention pro
gram the Health Trailer is offer
ing free AIDS checks daily, and
advises students to avoid engag
ing in promiscuous sex, especially
homosexual activity and
beastiality.
Those who suspect that they
may have contracted the virus
should report to the Medical
trailer or call ext. 632 for counsel
ing.
Aids attacks CCC