Image provided by: Clackamas Community College; Oregon City, OR
About The print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1977-1989 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1987)
Junk News Editor meets final deadline New slogan by Thad Kreisher Contributing Writer t Six individuals, two of whom” were Clackamas Community College staff members, and two students were taken into custody in connection with secret govern ment testing of plutonium on botany students resulting in the death of botany student and former Print editor, Dean Grey. In custody are John Keyser (a.k.a. Haus Von Shreiber), Paul Kyllo, Marie “Gestapomoor” Stoppelmoor, and James “Jim my B.” Brown. Also being held are two individuals whose names have been withheld, but have been identified as high ranking CIA officials. Official government releases from the White House, the CIA, and the Nation Security Council all deny having knowledge of any involvement and all stress that “the president certainly didn’t know.” The operation seemed to in dude planting plutonium in two sealed containers on the Newport coast where a Clackamas botany I class was conducting a field trip. I The containers were allegedly I planted by Stoppelmoor and Brown, (see March 4 edition, The Print). The containers, when opened, revealed what appeared to be the embryos of six small I ocean creatures known as skates. I However, upon the hospitaliza tion of four botany students and instructor Bob Misely for radia tion poisoning, an official in vestigation revealed that the Obituary March 31st Dean Grey, Editor of The Print, died at Willamette’ skates were cleverly disguised Falls Hospital. Last words were delivered by members of his staff: lumps of plutonium. Linda: Now Dean kwnows the meaning of deadlines. Dean Grey, who was admitted Yvonne: Sniff, sniff, was his insurance in my name? to intensive care, died March 31 Thad: If he had only had breast, it could have worked. from the poisoning. Mary: Well Dean, it looks like I finally got the last word. All except Kyllo have refused Marie: If I hadn’t got you, the Aids would have. comment on the incident on ad Sherri: Did his macho aittude pay off? vice from their attorneys. Kyllo spoke to reporters saying “Well, we were just curious.” An official investigation has been launched to further explore the matter and determine if any I federal wrong doing was actually Committed. More arrests are ex- I petted to be made. . by Thad Kreisher Contributing writer Yesterday, in an emergency announcement to students and staff, student body president, Patti Groombridge made public the knowledge that eight students and two staff members have contracted the deadly AIDS virus. In her address, Groombridge advised students and staff say ing, “What we are dealing with here is a potentially explosive situation. The virus is extremely contagious and very dangerous. I If we don’t handle this right, we could have another black plague on our hands.’’ The identities of the students land staff infected are being iwithheld for security reasons. ■Groombridge made it clear, ¡however, that the students would definately be allowed fo continue attending classes, and that afflicted staff members would remain at their posts. “The disease cannot be transmitted through casual, day to day contact, and, under no circumstances shall those students and staff that have contracted the AIDS virus be restricted from performing their duties. We have, however, taken precautions to prevent further spread of the disease and to insure the safety of the general public.” Groombridge declined to comment, however, on just ex actly what precautions would be taken. An inside source, who asked to remain anonymous, however, said that the special AIDS committee has considered using artificial environment suits similar to those worn by said, “why don’t we just start a sjuapnjs atp aABq pun isajuoo Recently, the Clackamas and community do it. We can school board has chosen a new give the winner say... $50. Hell, slogan to represent the college. they’ll fall for it. I mean if we The decision to change the could pull off the plutonium slogan is part of a program in testing on botany students stigated by College president; without anyone catching on, John “Wayne” Keyser to I’m sure we can do this.” Keyser loved the idea, and modernize the college and “pro pel it through the 80’s”. When U-iaui ijuuis b 0flX>[ S uiai S jays told that it was almost 1990 raise, made the contest official. One thing led to another and however, Dr. Keyser com now, 67,000 entries and three mented saying “oh, yeah.” Other facets of the “moder months later, the decision has nization package” include a been made. The‘$15 third place prize went new logo “the star of David,” and official college song, (the to Robin Zender for her entry of theme to the Three Stooges, “Clackamas: your one stop which is to be played before all education place.” Second prize sports events and official ($25 and a pack of Marlboro’s), gatherings) and a mandate went to Steve Sanders for his en allowing both Communists and try “Clackamas: it’s not a col women to now attend day lege, it’s a statement.” classes. The latter has raised Honorable mentions were given quite a large controversy among to Blake Harland, (“Clackamas: students and staff alike, but, Love it or leave it”) Shawn that’s all beside the point, now - zbj ) bj [3B|3,,) ‘SjaqjajBM Aggressive education”) and ex isn’t it? The whole idea to modernize student Advisor, Dana Speilman the college originated in Debbie for (“Harvard on the Hill”). In first place and winner of $50 Baker’s “playroom.” Keyser recalls “We were all just sitting and a year’s suppply of Norm’s down there having a few beers famous clam chowder was Mike when suddenly, Paul Kyllo Hufford for his slogan “The city jumped up and mentioned that is our campus.” When asked to the old slogan (“Clackamas by comment on his victory, Huffor the sea”) was both outdated said, “My God, I can’t believe those people, it was just a joke, and totally inapporpriate.” • “I must admit, I agree with and you know, the tragedy of it him. Clackamas isn’t anywhere all is that I can’t stand clam near the sea, and barrring an act chowder. I’ve got 100 gallons of of God, isn’t likely to be in the this crap sitting in my front room and what am I gonna do with near future.” However, upon deciding to it?!!” When it was mentioned that change the logo, the committee was hit with the problem of generally, Oregon City is not con- finance. They realized that due •sidered to be one of Oregons to new federal budget cuts that cultural centers, Keyser replied they couldn’t afford a profes “Well, I feel that the new slogan sional agency. Once again, Paul gives a positive representation of Kyllo’s innovation surged to the the college, is more modem, anc totally appropriate. I mean, it’s for front. “Well,” commented Kyllo on just not O.C. We’ve also got his ingenious solution, “I just - joaboq puB ‘UOJJO3 ‘BnBjop went up to John Keyser and creek just to name a few.” by Thad Kreisher Contributing writer astronauts. It seems that the suits are to be worn by (I love you Marie), the AIDS victims and several volunteer “decoys” so to insure that “no one knows for sure who has the disease.” Rumor has it that Groom bridge herself will wear one of the special suits. Considering the severity of the situation, students showed a surprising amount a empathy with barely over a dozen in at tendance at Groombridge’s ad dress. Groombridge commented on the shocking display of laissez-faire saying “Hey, it’s their funeral.”- County Health Services representative, Mary Fitzgerald, advised the college population bn AIDS prevention. “There is no known cure for AIDS,” said Fitzgerald “Not even the use of condoms is 100% safe. What is for sure is that those who contract the virus are as good as walking corpses.; Abs tain! For Christ’s sake, abstain!’ Student reaction to the sitúa tion is mixed, comments range from “What? Waddaya mean? Ain’t no AIDS at Clackamas,” to “It’s the wrath of God, man.’ As part of the prevention pro gram the Health Trailer is offer ing free AIDS checks daily, and advises students to avoid engag ing in promiscuous sex, especially homosexual activity and beastiality. Those who suspect that they may have contracted the virus should report to the Medical trailer or call ext. 632 for counsel ing. Aids attacks CCC
