Monologue
Idle Hands
J. Danà Haynes
Editor In Chief
Is this a wonderful country or what?
On Saturday, May 28 and Sunday, May 29, the
National Broadcasting Company will broadcast
that most audacious, tenacious and splenetic of
festivals, a telethon.
But no ordinary telethon is this, oh no. True
this one will encompass all the usual dementia’.
There will be singers and dancers, acrobatic acts
and magicians. And of course, there will be soft-
eyed, catch-in-the-throat personalities appealing
to our sense of justice and duty and begging for a
few dollars to ease a troubled situation.
What situation, you may well ask? No, it i&
not the American Herpes Foundation, nor is it
Jerry’s Kids.
The telethon is being held for the Democratic
National Committee, which will plead, parade and
generally prostitute themselves for our donations.
And some people don’t know why I love
American politics so much. Some people watch
soap operas. Others read the Hollywood scandal
sheets. I watch politics. Ain’t it wonderderful?
The Demothon, for want and lack of a better
term--! almost called it a Donkeython, but that
sounds too much like an electronic arcade game
will be a 17-hour extravaganza and has been pick
ed up by NBC. The guest list for the affair includes
Paul Newman, Mary Tyler Moore, Mario Thomas
and Gene Kelly, as well as half a dozen guest ap
pearances by party bigwigs.
According to the releases, the Demothon will
also include three “minidocumentaries” which
will focus on average Americans in the street, tell
ing us why they plan to donate to such a worthy
cause.
Monday, May 2, there was a theft reported at
the College. A student who shall remain nameless
had approximately $250 worth of his property
stolen from the back of his pickup, according to
the Oregon City Police Department.
The stolen property was worms. 10,000
worms, to be precise.
Officer Bob Funkhouser of the OCPD would
give few details about the case, other than to say
the victim (the worm owner, not the worms) is a
student here who is helping to support his family
by catching and selling night crawlers to, as Of
ficer Funkhouser put it, “a worm outlet.” The
worm broker shall also remain nameless.
The police have no leads as to the
whereabouts of the absconded worms. Officer
Funkhouser would say, however, that the
authorities have ruled out kidnapping.
Anyone with information on the worm snatch
is encouraged to contact the College’s Public
Safety Office, ext. 302 or the Oregon City con
stabulary. Or, if you have seen anyone walking
10,000 worms, let us know.
Funkhouser did not mention how the victim
would identify his worms.
Everybody likes a little free publicity now and
then. Especially the College’s hard-working
Theater Department, which is currently rehears
ing the spring production of Jules Feiffer’s “Little
Murders.”
However, proving that you can have too much
of a good thing, (in this case, publicity), the Col
lege’s Public Relations Office recently released a
memo on the production. The memo was sent
throughout the Portland metro area and included
the ticket prices, running dates, curtain time and
the ending of the play.
PIO newcomer Steve Dodge, who is pinch
writing for Information Officer and New Mother
Anne Tongue, said he has been contacted by the
none-too-happy Theater Department and retrac
tions are already in the mail.
“Little Murders,” by the way, opens May 19
and runs for two weekends. For less information,
contact PIO.
Page 2
Or else . .
Be nice to your mother
Brett Bigham
night. Spinach, brusselssprouts, eggplant and
chicken hearts would be a few of the other
delicacies she would serve.
Well, we did it again America. We’ve pulled
School or work brown-bag lunches would
the wool over her eyes again. By devoting a full be hit hard too. Ketchup sandwiches, prunes
day to her we’ve gotten a full year’s worth of and saltine crackers would be your big meal.
work out of dear old Mom.
Milk on the edge of sourness would accompany
I was kind of perplexed over what to do for every meal.
my mom on Mother’s Day, but a quick trip to the
Of course the kitchen would not be her only
drugstore netted me a Hallmark. A Hallmark is stronghold. Moms are great survivors and are
one of those cards that says it all and you don’t equipped with cunning minds. Her next offen
have to say anything. They are the simplest sive moves would be directed from the laundry
things in the world to give, except maybe room. Accidentally washing a red towel in with
nothing at all.
all of your underwear could be devastating!! You
It’s amazing how a simple card can make us would be unable to ever again change in the
feel as though we have made up for all of the locker room. What would everyone think of
garbage that we’ve given Mom throughout the your pink underwear? It could lead to some pret
year. May 8 is kind of like the big day of ty embarrassing situations.
forgiveness for all of us.
Petty ugliness would show up all around
I don’t see how any sensible mom could put the house. Mom would use every angle to chip
up with this sort of treatment. She should de into you. Your soft Charmin toilet paper would
mand that she should be treated as a human be be replaced with Generic one-ply, man’s closet
ing all year long and not just for one day.
clone of sandpaper. The sheets on your bed
Maybe mothers should unite and demand
would go unchanged until either you did it
their rights. Unionize! That could be the answer.
yourself or they crawled off themselves. The
I can just see my mom lounging around the
sheets, of course, would have been washed with
house in her Teamsters Local 501 sweatshirt.
a red towel and would be an off-pink shade. The
Now a mother just couldn’t go on strike.
TV guide, as well as the homework that you left
That would be devastating to our lives and
in the living room, would disappear, and so
economy, but she could start using war tactics
would one sock of every pair you own.
around the house. The kitchen of course would
When you think of how much a mom does
become the primary battleground, with meals
... or worse yet, what she could do, it stands to
being her major weaponry. Can you just imagine
reason that it would be to our benefit to treat her
what she would put on our plates for dinner?
a little better. This year I am going to attempt to
Monday would become liver night. Tuesday
make every day some sort of Mother’s day. I
would be leftover liver sandwich night, and
might just give her a smile or a hug. In any case,
Wednesday would be liver stew or casserole
I won’t forget her. I don’t dare.
Arts Editor
Presidential letter
cites
First of all, on behalf of my
Vice President (Linda Cox) and
myself, we would like to thank
all the students who came out
to vote. This year’s election
had one of the heaviest voter
turnouts in a long time. I assure
you all that we will do our best
to serve you.
who have concerns to feel free
to stop by and talk to us. You
can also leave a message if you
would like me to contact you at
your convenience.
There have been many
suggestions concerning more
study areas (possibly in the
Community Center Mall). A
committee has been put
together to look into this issue.
This committee will submit their
suggestions this term to ASG.
Before fall term we hope to
have these new study areas in
effect.
don’t have the answers and
therefore, cannot make any
promises on the issue. I can on
ly assure you that I will do my
best.
Smoking in the non
smoking areas in the cafeteria
is another concern. I would like
to think all students could obey
these simple rules as construc
tive community members.
ASG provides a positive
means to improve all areas of
their learning environment. Let
us all make it our goal to make
this school a better place, not
only for ourselves, but for
future students. Together we
can achieve this goal.
John Sagoe
ASG President
We’ve been in office for a
week and students have been
wondering what we have ac
complished and what we have
in store. Basically, for the rest
of this term we are going to
continue with what my
predecessor (Paul Nastari) and
Prices in the bookstore
his cabinet had planned and and cafeteria are other main
already started. Anything new concerns of students. I realize
from my regime will be initiated this is a problem, but I honestly
next fall. However, we are do
ing some of the necessary
THE PRINT, a member of the Oregon Newspaper Publishers
ground work and gathering the
Association, aims to be a fair and Impartial Journalistic medium
ideas that you will hopefully
covering the campus community as thoroughly as possible. Opi
present to us. Within the next
nions expressed In THE PRINT do not necessarily reflect those of
two weeks, we will be taking a
the College administration, faculty, Associated Student Govern
ment or other members of THE PRINT. Clackamas Community
survey on various issues that
College, 19600 S. Molalla Avenue, Oregon City, OR 97045.
have come up. We are also try
ing to gather information and
Office: Trailer B; telephone: 657-8400, ext. 309, 310
ideas on some of the changes
Editor In Chief: J. Dana Haynes
that the student body would
News Editor: Doug Vaughan
Arts Editor: Brett Bigham
like. If you are contacted with
Sports Editor: Rob Conner
this survey we would really ap
Photo Editor: Duane Hiersche
preciate your cooperation. The
Copy Editor: Shelley Ball
suggestion boxes are also
Staff Writers: Shelley Ball, Tracey Herrle, Buck Jennings, Tracy M.
Sumner
available. Remember, now is a
Staff Photographers: Russ McMillen, Tracey Herrle, Buck Jenn
good time to suggest the
ings, Troy Maben, Joel Miller, Rick Obritschkewitsch, Jenni
changes you would like to see.
Weber
My ExecutiveCabinet and I
Business Manager: Joan Seely
will be in the mall of the ac
Typesetters: Penney Jones, Terri Hannaford
Advisor: Dana Spielmann
tivities office during noon lunch
hours. I encourage all stedents
Clackamas Community College