Monologue
Idle Hands
By J. Dana Haynes
I would like to take
this time and space to
salute the gutsy people of
Chiloquin, Ore., who
recently passed a law mak
ing handgun ownership
mandatory.
You see, it all started
when a small town in Il
linois, the name escapes
me, passed a law pro
hibiting the private posses
sion of handguns within
the city limits. To protest
that decision, the town of
Kennesaw, Ga., adopted a
law saying everyone had to
have a gun.
Which led to the city
council of San Francisco
banning handguns.
Which led to Chilo
quin.
Now I realize that
there are a lot of knee-jerk
liberals who will say that
the worst reason for pass
ing a law is to shout “Oh
yeah? We’ll show you!” to
the city commissioners of
San Francisco.
But I, for one, unders
tand. The people of Chilo
quin took a stand. The only
problem is, they really
didn’t go far enough.
What I mean is, San
Francisco isn’t the only
town with bad laws. And as
long as Chiloquin’s town
council isn’t afraid to pass
judgment on other towns,
they should go all the way.
Now, my folks live in a
small town in Idaho, which
has a rather ridiculous rule
banning “pornography”.
This includes books,
movies and magazines,
with such fatally broad
parameters that the rule
could easily apply to
Michelangelo’s David and
the National Geographic.
Once the lawmakers
of Chiloquin hear of this,
I’m sure they will once
again take on the mantle of
righteousness and pass ...
you guessed it, a man
datory pornography law.
Soon, every book store
in town will carry dog-eared
back issues of Hustler and
Swank. The local theater
will have to replace “On
Golden Pond” with Wanda
Whips Wallstreet. And
soon pornography, which
you’ll agree is as American
as Mom, apple pie and the
Saturday Night Special,
will have its niche carved
indelibly in Chiloquin.
Then there’s the vir
tual epidemic of nonsen
sical automobile laws that
flourish throughout this
country. Like any good
American, I’m opposed to
car registration. The liberal
elements will tell you that a
motor vehicle is a poten
tially deadly weapon, and
we should keep track of
where they all are in the
event of an accident. Well,
nonsense! The people of
Chiloquin won’t stand for
such drivel. Cars don’t kill
people; people kill people.
What’s more, it’s a known
fact that almost no one in
Poland owned their own
cars when the Nazis invad
ed.
There are still some of
us left who won’t go down
without a fight. Car
registration is just an ex
cuse
to
take
our
automobiles away! I join
the people of Chiloquin in
saying that the government
will take my Toyota when
they pry it from my cold,
locked garage!
Now then, about
Portland’s current anti
prostitution campaign ...
Pro-gun
stance not
pro-death
By T. Jeffries
I like firearms. I like look-
ing at them, I like holding
them, cleaning them and firing
them. If one were to listen to a
standard anti-gun speaker this
should make me a rabid sur
vivalist, a hopeless deviate, or
at least a without a conscience,
hunter intent on ridding the
world of all forms of wildlife.
I feel that I am none of
those, and it angers me that my
hobby and I are equated with
crime, senseless violence and
most of the other problems cur
rently plaguing the country and
world in general. Personally I
don’t believe in violence as a
solution to any problem except
in cases of immediate self
preservation or the immediate
preservation of someone else’s
life. I voted for John Anderson,
I believe in total nuclear dis
armament ,
I
support
Greenpeace, I detest the Moral
Majority, I believe James Watt
should be lobotomized for the
good of the country, and I like
guns.
Guns do not cause crime,
people cause crime. Neither do
guns make people commit
crimes. People merely use
guns as a handy tool to
Criminals in Oregon (yes, there
are some) are already forced to
buy illegally because of this
state’s firearms purchasing
regulations. They would not at
all be hampered by any new
regulations
Crime is a basic fact of
civilization. We have always
had it and always will. Certain
ly it can be reduced in propor
tion, but don’t punish gun
owners or guns themselves.
Punish criminals.
In short, do not condemn
all gun owners as potential
murderers. Nearly all are simp
ly normal, law abiding citizens
participating in an activity they
enjoy. By the same token, con
demn not guns. Look at them
as a tool, like a knife or an
automobile; harmless until in
the hands of the wrong person.
“There is nothing either good
or bad, but thinking makes it
so,” said William Shakespeare.
Is anything not dangerous to your health?
and the world abounded with
red M&Ms.
Nineteen-eighty two is a
“Warning: The Surgeon different story. Johnny’s teddy
General has determined that and jammies are treated with
use of this product may be cancer causing TRIS. Aerosol
deodorants and other aerosol
hazardous to your health.”
How many times have products are eating up the
you heard this or similar warn ozone. Heroin and cocaine
ings? It’s getting to the point are both habitual and illegal
where everything you either , and the harmful red dye in the
red M&Ms have caused them
eat or do is “hazardous.”
Years ago nothing was to become extinct. All of these
dangerous (excluding the ob products are “hazardous”.
Even the car you drive can
vious: guns, knives,; mad
bears, etc.). Little Johnny slept be dangerous. Seat belts trap
with a teddy bear, deodorant you underwater, air bags ex
was sprayed out of aerosol plode ito flames from ciga
cans, heroin and cocaine rettes or don’t work at all and
were legal prescription drugs windsheilds shatter on impact.
Every year more cars are being
I-----------------------------------------------------------
recalled for things from faulty
THE PRINT, a member of the Oregon Newspaper Publishers
doorlocks to exploding gas
Association, aims to be a fair and impartial journalistic medium
tanks.
covering the campus community as thoroughly as possible. Opi
Going to the store is
nions expressed in THE PRINT do not necessarily reflect those of
the College administration, faculty, Associated Student Govern
becoming a nightmare. First of
ment or other members of THE PRINT.
all you have to get there. This
can be quite a scare in itself.
Office: Trailer B ; telephone: 657-8400, ext. 309,310
Virtually all traffic ac
Editor In Chief: J. Dana Haynes
News Editor: Doug Vaughan
cidents happen on short trips
Arts Editor: Brett Bigham
and bicycles are involved in
Sports Editor: Tracy Sumner
thousands of accidents every
Photo Editor: Wanda Perceival
year. Some doctors are beginn
Staff Writers: Victoria Archila, Shelley Ball, Karl Gassaway, Doris
ing to feel that running is bad
Hatcher, Tom Jeffries, Etta Leonard, Walt McAllister, F. T. Morris
Staff Photographers: Roberta Ellsworth, Duane Hiersche, Troy
for your feet and walking is not
Maben, Joel Miller
only dangerous (being a
Business Manager: Joan Seely
pedestrian is a risky business)
Typesetter: Teresa A. Hannaford
but it is also pathetically slow.
Advisor: Sara Wichman
page 2
facilitate the commission of a
crime. Guns are not inherently
evil, nor are the people that
shoot them. A gun is a
machine, no more, no less. I,
like many others, appreciate
the beauty of the machines as
any car lover appreciates the
beauty of a mint condition
Stutz Bearcat.
I target shoot, very badly I
might add. Experimentally; I
went hunting once and return
ed perfectly happy with a
stump and a tin can to my
credit.
The point is: people like
myself and my friends make up
the majority of the gun owners
in this country and around the
world. Our guns have not caus
ed crimes, and have been pur
chased legally. I would not feel
safer if guns, particularly han
dguns, were made illegal. It
would simply mean that law-
abiding citizens would be
unable to purchase them.
By Brett Bigham
of this “hazardous.”
Once you get to the store
(good luck!) you are really in
for a hassle.
It used to be that you
would grab a basket and start
piling things in. Everyday
tilings like: honey, Coca-Cola,
your Folgers Coffee (with
flavor crystals), Pam Cooking
Spray, Tab Cola, booze,
cigarettes, your brand of
feminine protection and a Jiffy
Log.
Of course no one
bothered to tell you that honey
contributes to crib death in in
fants, Coca-Cola not only has
caffeine (it used to contain co
caine!) but it can rust a nail
three times as fast as water (im
agine that in your stomach!)
and your Folgers Coffee
(minus Mrs. Olsen who is
nauseating anyway) con
tributes to pancreatic cancer.
Pam cooking spray con
tains deadly fumes, your diet
Tab (just one calorie) causes
cancer and the gin in that mar
tini you’re thinking about is go
ing to eat up your liver and
your brain.
That Lucky Strike you are
striking up is destroying your
lungs and causing cancer and
your Rely is not reliable at all. It
is giving you Toxic Shock Syn-
All
drome and the Jiffy Log you
bought contains cancer causing
absestos.
Recreation is even getting
dangerous to your health.
Amusement rides, playgrounds
and toys all account for large
amounts of accidents every
year.
Television fries you with
radiation and loud music short
circuits your hearing.
Even skate boards were
investigated and recommend
ed for removal from the market
because of the risk.
You’d better be careful
with your after-sex cigarettes
too. Drop one on your mattress
and you’ll really be smoking.
Cleanliness is even
becoming dangerous. Bathtubs
account for a large percent of
household accidents, electric
hairdryers cause cancer and
your pearly whites are having
their enamel worn off by Pearl
Drops (mmm! What a great
feeling!).
And lastly, if you have any
of these problems or symp
toms, DO NOT go to your doc
tor or dentist. X-rays are
“hazardous!” So why don’t you
sit back, put your feet up and
take two Tylenols for that nasty
headache ...
Clackamas Community College