16
in other words
december1
2016
Voices In My Head:
Why Dogs Don’t Need Pockets... and Other Foolishness
By P.J. O’Leary
Sometimes, while we’re diligently preparing
our mail for the day’s delivery, dogs will fi nd their way
into the Post Offi ce workroom. They “fi nd their way
in” because we leave the door open and tempt them with
treats. It may seem strange, but everybody who works
at the Vernonia Post Offi ce has a soft spot for dogs. In
fact, for about four years in the early 2000s we had two
dogs (Smoky and Bailey) that would walk from home
and punch in at about 8:00 am every morning. They’d
get their treats and then lie on the workroom fl oor until
about noon, when they’d punch out and head home.
We don’t do dog sitting anymore, but we
Happy Holidays
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still love to spoil them when they come in. Just the
other day Heather came in with Bridget and Bridget
politely requested a visit to the room where the treats
are. Keasey Cory was working that day and he said “I
don’t give them food, I give them money.” Needless
to say, Bridget was not particularly interested when
Cory took out his wallet and offered her a dollar. I
thought it was hilarious, but then I also like to think that
my comedic sensibilities are refi ned slightly beyond
those of a dog. Anyway, about ten minutes later Julie
came in with her dog Gus and I said “Hey Cory, Gus
wants some money.” Gus did not want some money.
I’m pretty sure even Cory knows that God would
have given dogs pockets if He thought they needed
money. Now you might say “Kangaroos
have pockets but they don’t have much
use for money.” You’d be wrong. I once
saw a kangaroo sitting in a bar, drink in
paw, having a heated discussion with the
gentleman seated next to him. I overheard
the Kangaroo saying “I may not have an
advanced degree in Zoology, but I think I
know a little bit about Marsupials.”
E
God didn’t give dogs pockets because
L
he didn’t want them to have money, and
he didn’t want them to have money be-
H
cause they’d take it right down to the Mini
Mart and spend it all on Slim Jims. You
C
could say “Here’s fi ve dollars Ace. You
I
can spend two, but I want you to save the
rest.” By the time you got to the “but”
S
part he’d be half way to the Mini Mart
where he would drop the whole fi ver on
E
artifi cial Teriyaki-fl avored meat tubes. He
just would. Dogs have about as much self-
C
control as Chris Christie at Izzy’s.
Dogs can’t always have what they
I
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Christmas~Birthday~Lights~Candy~Candle
Cocoa~Creating~Decorate~Dream~Love~Red
Family~Story~Gathering~Gift~Giving~Hanukkah
Kwanzaa~Hope~Santa~Short Days~Frost~Snow
Winter~Blanket~Poinsettia~Presents~Pine
C o n e s ~ S c a r v e s ~ S o c k s ~ S w e a t e r TSP2016
Vernonia
Veterinary Clinic
Small and Large Animals
want. We have to look out for them a little bit. Given
a choice, a dog would ride around all day unrestrained
in the back of a pickup truck. It’s a smorgasbord of
smells, and it brings their senses to life. It’s also a way
to get them seriously injured or killed. Dogs are not
Arachnids; they can’t stick to a moving surface. I’ve
seen my dog fall off of a couch more than once.
So do not leave your dog loose in the back of
your truck, and do not let your wife or girlfriend squish
next to you when you’re driving. People used to do
this all the time when I was growing up, and it always
surprises me when I still see it. When I was young,
and most cars still had bench seats, this was considered
an acceptable public display of affection. To me, Mr.
Awkward, it was always kind of weird. Back then if
the girl was driving, which was admittedly seldom the
case, was there some unspoken expectation that the guy
would push over and lean on her? I should say not. It
was just a bizarre male-fi rst mating ritual which I never
really understood.
I fi rst became aware of this practice not long
after I got my driver’s license. The daughter of one
of my Dad’s business associates had, unbeknownst to
me, taken a shine to me. While they were visiting, Dad
suggested that I take her for a drive to see my school.
Let me just say that she was a very nice girl but I was
not really very interested in her in a non-school tour
kind of way. She moved in pretty quickly, and I was
unprepared from a personal space standpoint. I did
have a sweater with me, so I managed to wedge that
into the small amount of space available. I approached
every left turn with a little extra speed in the hope that
she might slide back to her appropriate position next to
the door. Nothing worked. We looked at my school,
shoulder to shoulder, and I took her home.
So let’s review. Don’t give your dog money,
and don’t let your girlfriend squish next to you when
you’re driving, and I’m looking at you. I guess that
covers it.
Council Moves Forward
with Tree Removal
continued from page 5
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that would regulate what types of trees, plantings, and
containers would be acceptable and create continuity.
There was also some discussion about involving
downtown business owners that would like to have
trees in front of their businesses in the selection and
then the ongoing maintenance of the trees.
The discussion in the workshop appeared to
indicate that the Council will decide at their December 5
meeting when to remove all the trees and then take time
to see what the downtown looks like without them, as
well as gauge the response of business owners, citizens
and visitors, before deciding on any further action.
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