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About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 6, 2014)
in other words february6 Voices In My Head: Even More Ways of Looking at High Electric Bills By P. J. O’Leary In the January 16th edition of Vernonia’s Voice Editor Scott Laird took a brave stand when he recommended sleeping with dogs as part of an over- all strategy to dull the pain of Oregon’s highest power rates. In the twenty years that I’ve been reading the Ruralite (West Oregon’s monthly periodical which is provided to members absolutely free!) I’ve never seen this mentioned as an en- ergy saving tip. I’ve seen the standard stuff like energy efficient appliances and weather stripping, but never the dog thing. I’ve seen hundreds of recipes which feature Kielbasa and Tater Tots, country men in search of non-smoking women, and creative compounds for re- pelling skunks, but never the bedding with beasts idea. This might be an exam- ple of West Oregon’s inability to think outside of the grid. Let’s face it, the monthly arrival of the West Oregon Electric bill (or as we refer to it in our house-The Preamble to the Destitution) can be a staggering blow. We had to open an Equity Line of Credit just to power the boot dryer. Do you know why you don’t see birds on power lines in Vernonia? Two words-Perching Fee. Thank you, I’m here all week. Scott’s idea is great, as far as it goes, but a cursory study of animal hus- bandry and energy efficiency demon- strates that while dogs are good friends and loyal companions they do not give you your best shot at thermal resistance. Even toed ungulates, commonly referred to as sheep, provide 2 and 1/2 times the sleeping with birds tends to be a hectic insulation and radiant energy of the av- and unsatisfying experience. erage dog. Really, who wants to sleep I should mention that dozing with half a dog? I’m guessing the other with doggies was not Scott’s only idea two dogs don’t. Give me a mature Ka- for dealing with our mind-numbingly tahdin ewe or a New Zealand half breed oppressive power rates. He also men- and you can keep your Golden Retriever, tioned something about unplugging the my friend. components of his Of course, TV. Again, while I the gold standard for applaud his toe dip Of course, the gross heating value in the pool of en- in a bed partner is ergy savings, I feel gold standard the domesticated that I should share for gross heating Yak. This heat blast- my method of secur- ing bovid is, from ing entertainment at value in a an energy savings absolutely no cost. bed partner is the perspective, a Green I cut an eighteen domesticated Yak. dream. The smell can inch hole in a Water be somewhat over- Heater box. My whelming for the un- neighbor comes initiated, but overall over every night at energy savings really make this a mi- 6:00, squats in the box and reads the nor inconvenience. I frequently monitor news to me. He bears an uncanny re- Craigslist in the hope of securing a Yak semblance to Greta VanSusteren, so of my own, but the closest match I’ve it’s very realistic. I return the favor seen so far is an Alpaca with psoriasis. once or twice a week by going to his There are other animal options, house and playing all of the characters of course, but I would advise against from his favorite Gilligan’s Island epi- sleeping with any wild carnivores. sodes. I’ve been told that my Thurston There’s no better R-value per cubic foot Howell is flawless, though my Ginger than that provided by a black bear, but needs some work. the drawbacks are obvious and disturb- When my neighbor is unavail- ing. Here’s a handy safety motto provid- able, I sometimes turn off the lights, ed by the SCSWOM (Society of Citizens close my eyes and pound my eyelids Sleeping With Other Mammals.) “If it with my fists until I see fireworks. can eat you, it will.” I think this little Lights are out and I’m being enter- jingle is not familiar to most Americans tained. Bonus! primarily because it doesn’t rhyme. So let’s close by getting back Certainly we could discuss the to the Editor’s original point. Paying merits of chickens as insulation, but for power in Vernonia will always be & Treasures Galorist Shop Local and Save! Valentine’s Day Friday, Feb. 14th! 2014 19 an excruciatingly harsh lesson in living where you love. Hats off to those who hope to make a change, but odds are we will continue to just suck it up and carry on. P. J. O’Leary was an original and regu- lar contributor to Vernonia’s Voice in 2007-2008. He occasionally checks in with his thoughts, musings and mind ramblings about life in and around the Vernonia Community. He can often be found wandering the streets of Verno- nia, whistling and befriending dogs. No animals were harmed during the writing of this column. The Bureau of Animal Safety in Print monitored and approved it. A Soul Quest Readings by Stacey Lynn Palmistry Tarot Angel cards Medicine cards Sacred Path cards Osho Zen Ruins & more If you have questions or are unsure how to go forward in life This can help Reasonable rates Safe • Fun • Confidential For appointment 503-828-8323 entertainment only VHS Alumni Basketball Game Sat, March 15th 6:00PM Boys & Girls Varsity vs. Alumni 6 pm Women Alumni vs. VHS Varsity 7 pm Men Alumni vs. Men Alumni 8 pm Men Alumni vs. VHS Varsity Burger Feed & Bake Sale Blazer Tickets Give Away! New items daily. Family owned, community supported 736 Bridge Street • 503-429-2000 Mariolino’s Pizza & Grill Open for breakfast, lunch & dinner Daily Specials We have ice cream! Cones-Shakes-Sundaes Serving Vernonia since 1970 721 Madison Avenue, Vernonia (503) 429-5018 No admission Donations accepted Alumni Players Wanted! Contact: David Weller 503-805-2801 or email: dwballer21@msn.com
