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About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 6, 2014)
14 in other words february6 2014 Better Parenting: Never Criticize Your Children By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT I cringe when I recall how I used to talk to my children as a young mother. I didn’t realize how critical I was until I hear them talk to their kids. When the memories return, I ache inside. Why do you criticize? If you are like I was, you are trying to keep them in con- trol. You want them to do what you want them to do. Since my kids were pretty good most of the time, rather than focus on what they did right, I put my focus on their mistakes so they could do better. Beware! There is a distortion as we form the accept/reject scale. Dr. J. Jones, a parenting expert says we might accept our child’s 98% strength, but we usually focus on the 2% weakness. In the end most of our communication to our children is about the 2% we want cor- rected. Does this sound familiar to you? No wonder our kids think or even say: “Stop picking on me. Don’t you see what I do good?” If we think about it we can see this is unfair and irritating. Imagine our boss, our friend or spouse doing this to us! Focus on the strengths and the good qualities and stop finding fault. Does criticizing make you feel better? When we are frustrated or irritable, many of us relieve ourselves by tak- ing it out on our kids with criticizing or blaming. Criticism has no place in our homes or in our relationships. It is al- ways destructive. Faultfinders develop negative personalities. And yes, you can become addicted to criticism. You can bring gloom into everyone’s life by see- ing other people and situations in a nega- tive way. I learned my lesson when my sensitive son changed to an angry and critical adult. look fat. That’s why the dance team lost, What is the message of Criticism? and it’s your fault.” Don’t think that it is Young children see their parents as all ok to say something because it might be knowing and take what they say as truth. true.” Children do not filter out the good from How do I tell my kids what they are the bad, like a recorder in their brain doing wrong? We have a duty to cor- they store it all. Many parents are not rect our children. Correction is neces- aware of the intense damage they do sary, but it is not to be done in a criti- when they humiliate, put down, belit- cal manner. If you are angry, try to deal tle, ridicule, or criticize their children. with the problem when you are calmer. They think: “If mom or dad thinks I am “I’ll talk to you after dinner; see if you clumsy, dumb, stupid, fat, lazy, etc. then can come up with some solutions we it must be true”. You are not ok, is the can discuss, I’ll see you then. If it can- message. Even though this is on an un- not wait, explain that you are upset and conscious level, this does not mean it is tell your child what you need from them not important. right now and you will talk to them later What are the effects of Criticism? The about it. criticizing or blaming your child. How do I keep from getting angry? How would you talk to your good neigh- bor? When I am correcting my kids I try to talk to them like I would to my good neighbor. Would I yell out: “Have you lost your mind? Why the hell did you leave that rake out in the driveway? Don’t you know it could rust in this weather? Now get that rake in the garage before I have to do something to you!” But this is how we talk to our kids. I don’t think it would work with our neighbor and it will not work with our kids either. How can I eliminate criticism altogeth- er? How about starting off each morn- ing with 50 dimes in your pocket and start handing them out each time you criticize a family member. Have them tell you when they feel criticized or put down. Remember, the one who feels it is the one who knows if they were criticized. Hand over the dimes with a smile. If you frown or disagree you pay double! Then sincerely say, “ I’m sorry. That was unkind; thank you for helping me do better. Here, take this money, I want to do better.” Tell them how much you love them. If you aren’t cured in 2 weeks raise the amount to a quarter each time, or a dollar, five dollars, whatever it takes to stop criticizing – and just think how much fun it will be for the family. We must remember not to say or do anything while we are correcting our children that will hinder our relationship with them. Our interaction with our kids needs to draw us closer, so we can moti- What if the criticisms are true? We are vate them for the change needed. “In the not justified saying something just be- Brown family we do not steal.” “How do cause it is true. Not all truth is uplift- you think we can fix this problem?” ing and supportive. Some truth can be • You are being sensitive to your child’s destructive and harmful, and we are not feelings. wise to say it: “Mary, your hair looks • You are focusing on the behavior, not terrible and that crazy outfit makes you Parents need to continually look for the good and see their children in a good light. If parents can focus on “catching their kids doing good” we will see their behaviors getting better. En- couragement and appreciation is a won- derful alternative to criticism and it is a fun way to parent for the whole family. Resources: Dr. James Jones, American Parenting Institute, Shirley King, Parent News, Jim Fay, Cline/Fay Institute. words spoken to us as a child form the internal thinking we have running through our minds as adults. Criticism of loved ones, especially of spouse and children harms their self-worth and con- fidence. It discourages and creates a fear of trying new things. The upshot is that regular criticism eventually leaves chil- dren feeling turned off to their parents. Every child needs love and acceptance. When these important needs are not pro- vided for children can end up feeling frustrated, angry, worthless, unloved and undeserving. As adults, either gender may become angry and critical. Or they may learn to develop a high tolerance for criticism thus making it easier to get into abusive relationships. Things To Ponder By Grant Williams If you are after adventure nothing surpasses the Christian life. No other religion is offered free of charge (Ephesians 2:8) yet Christ Himself said if we don’t deny ourself, pick up our cross, and follow Him we risk losing everything (Matthew 16;24-26). Salvation is free but the price exacted for this adventurous life will cost all that we possess. It’s a big mistake to misrepresent the true nature of the Christian life. Although categorized along with the other religions of the world it is most properly understood as a relationship between God and man, mediated through the person of Jesus Christ. Born again Christians believe Jesus Christ is God in the flesh sent by His Father to reveal God’s fullness, to save us from our sins, and offer us a new life. Hypocrisy has caused many to reject the Christian life. Truth be known, everyone is a hypocrite at some point in their life. Unfortunately many Christians rationalize their behavior by living according to their own set of standards. These man made rules go beyond what God has given as His requirements for our behavior. Many ignore the life Christ lived and substitute their standards for His. Instead of living a life of moderation in all things they produce a long list of thou shalt nots. Many of these people claim they see everything in black and white. Is it their black and white list or God’s? I can’t help but wonder if these people are able to see the damage they inflict on the Church as it is seen by the man on the street who knows nothing of Christ. Would Jesus even be welcome in some of our churches? How would we handle the fact that He might choose to provide good wine for a wedding, or touch a leper, or pray with a prostitute? It’s pretty easy to imagine the raised eyebrows and wagging heads! Gated Driveway, Pond, No Flooding $135,000 OBO Owner carry contract 503-319-6990 • You are giving your child experience correcting his mistakes. • You are building trust and relationship with your child. Once you work through a prob- lem you forgive and forget, praise the ef- forts and celebrate the accomplishment. Our lives must offer a clear reflection of God’s love to those who are hurting and alone. Our religious rituals are no more fulfilling today than the old system under the Law. People must see Jesus living in us before they will respond to the message God has entrusted into our care. Our friends and neighbors will reject the Gospel if we consistently overlook our slander, gossip and back biting yet continue to condemn their sins. People are eager to be loved and find forgiveness but we must first show them a good example by accepting other Christians as Christ has accepted us. In John 7:37-38, on the last day of the Feast of Booths, Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “If any man is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, ‘From his innermost being shall flow rivers of living water’” (NASB). 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