in other words
Better Parenting:
By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT
Where Do Their Beliefs Come From?
Our kids have their own ideas
about how to belong or be accepted. The
way our kids think is based on what they
believe about themselves and others.
Our kid’s feelings and thoughts, positive
or negative, come from these beliefs.
june26
2012
15
The Flip Side of our Kid’s Faulty Beliefs or Thinking Errors
they don’t expect things from me.”
What Does The Flip Side Look Like?
Involvement: “I want to be a
part of things. Please help me learn to do
my part.”
Independence: “I want to be
myself. Please give me choices so I can
learn to do what is right and be respon-
sible.”
Who Gets Faulty Beliefs or Thinking
Fairness: “I want things to be
Errors?
fair. Please help me learn to give and
Children who become discour- take and cooperate.”
aged most often misbehave. They form
Being competent: “I need times
beliefs about how to feel connected or be to think for myself. Please help me to
accepted that often lead to misbehavior. learn to trust in myself.”
liefs by:
Changing from attention to in-
volvement
Changing from power to inde-
pendence
Changing from revenge to being
fair
Changing from helplessness to
independence
ing power or revenge. Don’t join in this
power struggle but keep trying to be as
fair as you can.
When Do The Thinking Errors Hap-
pen?
When a child wants attention a
child may think, “I can be accepted and
special more when I am noticed- even
if that could make a problem for Dad or
Mom.”
When a child wants power, he or
she may think, “I am more acceptable by
being the boss, or acting powerful. If I
get in a fight with Mom or Dad I have
more power.”
When a child wants revenge, he
or she may think “I am not that loveable.
I can be equal to Mom and Dad by mak-
ing them feel hurt like I do.”
When acting helpless, a child
may think “I can belong better if I get
Dad and Mom to agree that I can’t do
things. In fact, when I try and fail, I can
get them to see I am not good enough so
What Is Important To Know?
Encourage. It is important to
teach your child to try new things and to
keep trying.
Listen to your child to talk about
his or her worries or to talk about prob-
What Is Important For These Chang- lems. Be sure to listen more than you
talk. Try to reflect back what you think
es To Happen?
Our kids need to have a part in your child is feeling.
Notice your child’s strengths
family projects. Show them how to co-
operate with other people. We want to and point them out to your child without
help them to be a part of things and to be praising him or her.
helpful to others too.
In closing remember, parenting
We need to give our
kids choices and let them live is practice, if we make a mistake our
with the choice they make. kids will give us more chances to get it
When it is possible we need to right.
This time we have explored
let them do things on their own
or alone. They will become some ways that beliefs and feelings af-
more confident and learn to fect how kids decide to act in order to be
accepted. And we tried to understand
make better choices.
We need to be fair and our kids thinking errors and what we can
guide our kids to be fair. It is try that might make things better. Next
important to treat kids with time we will explore how we often buy
respect and kindness so they into their feelings and what we as par-
will learn to trust you. This ents can try when we do.
way they will learn that people
can be fair and trustworthy and Resources AGS, American Guidance
they will have no need to get Service Inc., STEP, Systematic Training
for Effective Parents.
even.
How Do Kids Change?
Sometimes you will try to be If you have questions or would like sug-
As parents, we use this infor-
mation and additional information to fair but your child may feel that you are gestions contact me at soniaspckman@
encourage and practice helping our kids not fair enough. If this happens, check msn.com
develop positive goals and positive be- your feelings. Your child may be seek-
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