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18 health and wellness october 2009 Better Parenting: Four Styles of Parenting By Sonie Spackman As parents, we tend to have our own way of parenting our kids. Some of us parent like our parents parented us. Sometimes we get ideas from our friends. We might get a good book on parenting or take a class in the community. No one has all the answers. Research now has shown that there are parenting styles that do create positive outcomes for our kids and some do not. The way you relate to your chil- dren is a parenting style. Here, we will focus on four parenting styles. Few people stay in one style, but most of us use one style more than the others. As you read, think about your own parenting style. Ask yourself: kids? How is my style working for me? How can I change to help my GIVING ORDERS-- DISAPPROVING PARENTS-- AUTHORITARIAN PAR- ENTS If we had little help dealing with our emotions as children, we may be less able to deal with emotions appropri- ately with our own children. Instead, we may focus on the behavior around our kids acting out without dealing with our child’s feelings at the moment. We try to be in control and use our control on the kids. We have strict rules to keep order, and they usually are without much warmth or affection. We don’t give choices or options. We re- spond with punishment. We become critical and yell or hit. We demand and threaten. We use punishment to control. We think that they will improve if we “get tough.” We see tears or temper fits as try- ing to manipulate us to get something. What do our kids learn from this style of parenting? Kids can respond in different ways. Some kids get angry and act out in ways we can’t control-- like friends, smoking, school problems, drugs, sex, and alcohol. Some kids may try to please us and do what we want. Things look good on the outside, but on the inside our kids lose self-respect. This parenting style may gain short term control, but can backfire in the long run because children who are not al- lowed to identify, express and deal with their emotions properly tend to grow up unable to face life’s challenges. I will tell you that I tried to con- trol my kids in this way while they were growing up, and as they got older and gained more independence in the teen years, they got out of control. Their paths led to alcohol and drug-abuse and teen pregnancy. They entered into abusive relationships because that was what they were familiar with. I confess this to warn you if you have this type of parenting style, there may be a lifetime of regrets. We will cover what we can do better at the end of this article. GIVING IN-- DISMISSING PARENTS-- PERMISSIVE PARENTS Shutting the door on negative feelings is a behavior pattern many dis- missing parents learned in childhood. Some adults raised by needy or neglectful parents have trouble feeling their child’s emotions. PERMISSIVE PARENTS give control to their kids. We don’t have rules or expectations for our children’s behavior. We allow our kids to feel free. We tend to accept our kids kindly no mat- ter how they behave. We parents may feel unable to change the misbehavior, or we choose not to deal with it at all. If this is your parenting style, you might want to read and ask yourself: How is my style working for me? How can I change to help my kids? GIVING IN parents think it is natural for kids to be naughty and ex- pect they will rebel as teens. We accept that kids are hard to live with. We think the best thing to do is stay out of our kid’s way. We give in, letting our kids do whatever they want. PERMISSIVE PARENTS avoid conflict at all costs. We feel powerless to deal with problems that come up, especially in the teen years. Some of us have been divorced or work a lot or we are in a new marriage. We feel guilty and that we have to “make up” for things for our kids. As GIVING IN parents, we lose respect for ourselves and from our kids. Our kids seem unable to control them- selves, cooperate or change. Not only does this cause our kids problems at home, but at school as well. We tend to want teachers and others to give our kids special treatment and more breaks. We tend to shut the door on neg- ative feelings because we may think it’s unhealthy to dwell on sadness or anger. Kids aren’t supposed to be sad-- it makes us sad. We might rescue and take too much responsibility for what our kids are doing or not doing. We want to fix their problems and make things ok. We don’t seem sure of how to help them in their sadness or anger; all we hear is their demand for us to make it better for them. What we don’t hear is their need for understanding and for limits because they feel unable to control themselves. Over time, we may see the kids’ sadness or anger as impossible de- mands and manipulation for us to make the world better for them. In frustration, we may react by trying to minimize their feelings or distress. Children oftentimes see our giv- ing in as a weakness. They seem to use this as an excuse for showing disrespect and rebellion. Kids can be quick to grab this power and control over us. For a while this power feels good, because they are allowed to do what ever they want, but this doesn’t last for long. When we give in, our kids have a sense that we don’t respect them; then they have a dif- ficult time respecting themselves. Having no limits at all doesn’t help kids get along with others. It won’t help them learn responsibility. It will not help them feel good about themselves. Children who are not taught how to ex- press and deal with their feelings and behavior in a proper way grow up hav- ing problems with employment, friends, relationships or dealing with life’s chal- lenges. GIVING UP-- LAISSEZ FAIRE PAR- ENTS-- LET THEM LEARN ON THEIR OWN PARENTS This type of parent is similar to the above parenting style. I have found this type of parent is not typically men- tioned in parenting manuals. However, in working with families and in my own family experience, it has come up. LET THEM LEARN ON THEIR OWN PAR- ENTS are ill-equipped or unable to guide their children through their problems and usually have a “hands off” policy. As this type of parent, we may see anger and sadness as a way of “letting off steam” or “pouting.” We give up and let them figure it out on their own. Or, we are too accepting of the child’s emotions and let them “fly off the handle,” thinking it will help them feel better. Unless it is directed at us, we might leave the room or the house for a while to let them cool down. If this is your parenting style, ask yourself: How is my parenting style working for me? How can I change to help my kids? As a GIVING UP or LET THEM LEARN ON THEIR OWN parent, we seem to have little awareness of how to set limits for our kids, or how to teach our kids how to solve their own problems. Some of us were so traumatized by the way we were parented, that we are going to make sure that we parent differently. We may go to extremes to do the opposite of what our parents did, or we may end up repeating their mistakes. Some people tell us that we are too lenient because we allow our kids to act out with bad words and aggression because we do not know what to do to stop them. We do not understand how to help our child when our child is sad or angry. And we do not know how to teach our kids to get in control or to calm down. The older the child gets, the more intense and difficult their behavior can become. We do not know how to teach them; therefore, they have no coping skills or way to escape the conflicts they have. We can tell them how much we love them and how much we care for them, but this does not help them with playmates, peers or teachers when their drama starts. These children do not know how to iden- tify or deal with their feelings. They do not do well in school. These kids have a harder time picking up on cues-- making or keeping friends. They end up the same as the children of “permissive” and “con- trolling” parents, unable to cope or face life’s challenges. DEMOCRATIC PARENTS EMO- TION-COACHING PARENTS CON- SULTANTS As this kind of parent, we have a strong awareness of our own emotions. We serve as a guide. CONSULTANT parents are available to give advice and let the child make more of their own de- cisions as they mature, with the idea that it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. We help our kids to have a strong awareness of their emotions. Through caring and empathy, we do not set limits on our kid’s feelings, but we do set lim- its on the way they express their feelings. We teach them how to identify their feel- ings. Once the feelings have been identi- fied, it is easier for kids to find solutions or the way to handle the feelings inside. We guide them on ways to express their need for respect while being respectful of others. As this type of parent, we teach our kids to be responsible for their behav- ior and to think about the consequences of their choices, good or bad. We do this by providing clear and reasonable rules continued on page 19 SATURDAY Saturday October 12th 10th April Texas Hold 'Em Tournament AT the Buckhorn Restaurant Registration Tournamant play play starts starts at at 6pm 6pm Registration at at 5:30pm, 5:30pm, Tournamant 50% Local Charities. Charities. 50% of of fees go to Local $40 buy-in with $20 re-buy. 35 Player Limit - Sign-up Now! Cash Card Prize Payouts! To information contact: contact: To register register or or for more information George Tice Tice 429-3751 or George or Aaron Aaron Miller Miller 429-6049. 429-6049. Presented by the Vernonia Lions Club