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About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2009)
22 vernonia’s voice in other words april 2009 Voices In My Head: Our Major Winners By P.J. O’Leary Ladies and Gentlemen, Vernonia’s Voice Wrestling Federation fans around the world — ARE YOU READY TO R-R-R-R-R-R- EAD? Here are the results from March Voices Contest #1: the Ultimate Pro Wrestler Name Slam-Fest. In the undercard, Knish Nash body slammed Nikki Fairmont, subdued him with the Tonga Death Grip, and pummeled him like a Sponge Bob piñata at your nephew’s birthday party. The long-awaited broken glass tag-team Cage Match between the Tannhauser GTI/Fluffy Nova team and the Camaro brothers, Benny and Bimbo, did not disappoint rabid VVWF fans. The turning point came when Bimbo caught Fluffy in a choke hold and transitioned into an inverted face lock. After that, Tannhauser and Fluffy had about the same chance as the Three Stooges in a ladder factory. It was a total smackdown. The Open Title Championship featured “Young Stallion” Krinkles Mustang and “The Devil’s Accountant,” Chowbersky Tem- pest, in a locust-infested barbed wire gravel pit match. It should be noted that the air was also uncomfortably humid-- especially for this time of year. Krinkles came out looking for blood, getting Chowbersky in a sleeper hold, gouging his eyes, and dropping him into the dreaded Argentine leg lock. The mayhem went back and forth for hours to the delight of the fans, who frothed in a wild-eyed frenzy and chanted like demon spawn at a sacrificial buffet. The match ended when Chowbersky Tempest immobilized Krinkles Mustang in an Anaconda vice and stomped the stallion into the gravel like a carnival corn dog. Congratulations, Chowbersky! You get a brand new Thermos and a large can of Campbell’s Tomato soup. You earned it, man! Contest #2, the Wacky Vernonia fill-in-the-blank game, gives me an opportunity to share with you some examples of the Voices that are in our readers’ heads. The first entry, offered by Mark, shows what can happen when you get stuck in a particular section of the dictionary. It was a spiffy day in Vernonia. The spendthrifts were waking from their slumber and spat as the sun peeked into the valley. Children climbed from their spite, brushed their specifics and prepared for another day at spelunk- ing. Parents drank their morning spritzer and sleepily read the spirometer. The peaceful morning was disturbed when a huge spleen came rumbling over the mountain and spewed the town. Parents spared their children and hid in their spas. The town would have been spoiled if not for the courage of one little sprinkler who confronted the spume and convinced it to sputter. To this day, Vernonians remember the day the spurt sparred. The End Here’s an entry by Jim, who filled in the blanks with words from the native tongue of his planet. It was a beautificacious day in Vernonia. The habilimenti were waking from their slumber and extenduating as the sun peeked into the valley. Children climbed from their slumberations, brushed their fibrilaments and prepared for another day at scholasticising. Parents drank their morning cafegogo and sleepily read the paperlies. The peaceful morning was disturbed when a huge crocodulture came rum- bling over the mountains and accostified the town. Parents enfoldated their children and hid in their peekyholes. The town would have been destructified if not for the courage of one little Vernonialing who confronted the monstrosolousness and convinced it to pirouetticate. To this day, Vernonians remember the day the music died… no, no, no, wait… the day the tinyite predominionated. The End I have chosen Barb’s entry as the winner, simply because it’s the only one that really made sense to me from, you know, a wacky perspective. It was a mystical day in Vernonia. The Dobermans were waking from their slumber and giggled as the sun peaked into the val- ley. Children climbed from their peapods, brushed their chinchillas and prepared for another day at the Mini Mart. Parents drank their morning margaritas and sleepily read the racing forms. The peaceful morning was disturbed when a huge herd of rabbits came rumbling over the mountain and covered the town. Parents deported their children and hid in their mailboxes. The town would have been ignored if not for the courage of one little broccoli spear who confronted the city council and convinced it to disband. To this day, Vernonians remember the day the Dobermans giggled. The End. Congratulations, Barb! You win the plastic Brette Favre figurine which I can no longer stand to look at. I hope you two will be very happy together. Next month: Feral chickens once again terrorizing Vernonia? The mayhem went back and forth for hours to the delight of the fans, who frothed in a wild-eyed frenzy... On The Shelves: What’s Happening At Vernonia Library By Nancy Burch Oregonians everywhere are taking part in the “Everybody Reads/Oregon Reads” program. From the beginning of Feb- ruary through March 20th, library patrons have read 1773 books. This is all around the state of Oregon, as depicted on the map in the Vernonia Library entryway, and nearly across it from west to east (with a jog up and back down for Vernonia). Here in Vernonia, the three books recommended by the Oregon Library Association (Stubborn Twig, Bat 6 and Apples to Oregon) have been checked out twenty-three times. Be sure to watch the progress made by Vernonia’s readers as they celebrate Oregon’s 150th birthday by read- ing around and across Oregon and don’t forget to test your brain by answering the Oregon trivia questions. The Vernonia Friends of the Library Book Sale in March was a great success, raising almost $650, which helps fund Library programs like our OMSI and Children’s Museum passes that can be checked out for visits to Portland. The Friends of the Library will also sponsor a visit from BJ the Clown on April 18 during National Library Week. They provide refreshments at all library programs, includ- ing popcorn for movie nights, overnight accommodations when requested by Chautauqua presenters, and the movie license that allows movies to be shown in library, and help purchase library materials and books-- especially for chil- dren. The Friends of the Library provides a great service in our community, and is always welcoming new members. Watch for your next opportunity to support the Friends of the Library during their next Book Sale during Jamboree Weekend in August. The Library will present another Oregon Chautauqua pro- gram on Tuesday, April 21, at 7:00 PM, entitled “Justice in Frontier Oregon, 1851-1905.” Diane Goeres- Gardner will discuss the evolution of crime and punishment in Oregon. Public executions were once routine, events that drew thou- sands of citizen spectators. Things have changed a bit over the years. Goeres-Gardner is a fifth-generation Oregonian whose family settled in Tillamook County in the 1850’s. She is a published and award-winning author. Welcome to the World... Friends of the Vernonia Public Library Blake Tristan Lee Pultz Family: Individual: Minimum: Proud parents Kim & Ray Pultz of Ver- nonia would like to announce the birth of their son Blake Tristan Lee Pultz. He was born on January 3, 2009. Blake weighed 8 pounds, 15 ounces. Blake has a very happy brother Austin who is 3 years old and is so excited that he’s finally here. Membership Dues: $10.00 $5.00 $1.00 plus 2 hours minimum of work in the library Make checks payable to: Friends of the Vernonia Public Library Mailing Address: 701 Weed Avenue, Vernonia, OR 97064 Name Address City Phone Date Congratulations... Danielle and Brian Announce Their Engagement Wendy Wilcoxen and Joe Richardson of Clatskanie are proud to announce the en- gagement of their daughter Danielle A. Wilcoxen of Clatskanie to Mr. Brian J. Cook of Vernonia. Mr. Cook is the son of Jan & Joel Templin and Dave Cook of Vernonia. Miss Wilcoxen is a graduate of Clatskanie High School in 2003, and is currently study- ing for her bachelors degree in Human Services through Uni- versity of Phoenix online. She works for The Clatskanie Chief (Sports Reporter/Photogra- pher) and Colvins Pub & Grill of Clatskanie. Mr. Cook graduated from Ver- nonia High School in 2004 and works for Holce Logging Inc. of Vernonia. A late summer 2009 wedding is planned. State Zip Amount Enclosed $ I am interested in helping with the following committees (optional): Please Circle •Membership •Endowments •Book Sales •Publicity & Public Relations •Fund Raising •Library Services •Finance-Budget-Legal Matters
