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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 11, 2011)
4 2 NOVEMBER 11,2011 voices • m After many years in a marriage to ■ a man that was unfulfilling inti mately and emotionally, 1 met a woman 1 am extremely attracted to. At this point 1 know 1 am not straight, hut I’m not sure if I’m bi sexual or lesbian. I low do I know for sure? Q a My test is simple. Sexuality is about ■ sex. I want to have sex with only ■ .«women. There are men whom I love deeply. But the thought of sex with them is com pletely unappealing—whereas women I’d never spend my life with have visited me in my dreams. That makes me a lesbian. I have a friend who identifies as “bisexual, but not bi-emotional.” She’s attracted to both men and women, but because o f the emo- , tional fulfillment missing in her relationships with men, she doesn’t date them. Don’t beat yourself up about it if you’re not sure. It might be a moving target for you. A lot of people find their sexual orientation shifting throughout their lives. Attraction to both gen ders is a lot more common than we talk about in our society—or even in our community. It seems like bisexual and lesbian women *!»re two very different groups of people. Why is that? Being gay is like being a member of a club— a somewhat secret club. There are rela tively few of us in the world. Even if it’s 10 percent of the population, that’s not a lot. And being gay still isn’t totally accepted, A which means that 90 percent o f the world doesn’t know a lot about us. W hen we find each other, we have a common language, and shared experiences. We have slang, and jargon, and little inside jokes. Many of us— both those who grew up knowing we were gay, and those who came out later in life— went through struggles, whether it was being teased in school, or los ing bits and pieces o f acceptance by our fami lies and friends. A huge percentage o f “street kids” identify as LGBT. There are gay people who, if given the choice, would rather be straight. They’d rather be ac cepted in society, and not fear physical attack. They’d rather be “normal,” get married and have a white-picket-fence kind o f life. So it can lead to resentment when we see someone moving between the two worlds— the one we’re in and the one we might rather be in. W hen I was coming o f age during college, embracing my lesbian self and coming out, I had a problem with the idea of bisexuality. I thought it was a cop-out: an unwillingness to do the work to discover who you were, or a way to have more than one partner at a time. WWW.JUSTOUT.COM relationships require men to look and act like “men” and women like “women.” In the end, both groups o f women are very diverse. There are super-butch bisexual wom en, and ultra-femme lesbians. And many o f us would never give up being lesbian in order to be “normal.” Typically, how do people transition from straight to bisexual or lesbian? I can’t give you a roadmap. But I can tell you that there are a lot of women in the community who have done just that. The first step is real izing that you belong somewhere in the LGBT population. From there, the process is up to you. Start meeting people. Pick up a local queer paper, or look online for a dance party in your area. Many places have gay outdoor groups that can give you a way to get to know the community, and how you most comfortably fit into it. Once you start meeting people, you will find that many share your story o f self-dis covery. In fact, I know very few people in the community who aren’t still on that journey to some extent. And, wherever you feel safe, keep having conversations. It will help us consider each other and where we come from, and give us a better sense o f our community. Welcome! *1#] The idea o f “choosing” to be gay was a big issue then. I remember expressing my dis comfort with bisexuality to a friend. She asked me, “Did you choose to be gay?” “O f course not!” “Well, I’m attracted to both men and wom en. I t’s not something I chose. You think th at’s easy?” She had a good point. That question really shifted the way I think about bisexuality. I actually think coming out as a bisexual can be equally, if not more, difficult. O u t bisexuals don’t fit into the straight community, because they’re “queer.” And they’ve faced alienation within the gay com munity because o f the perception that they may at some point live, undetected, in the world that so many o f us have tried desper ately to fit into. Additionally, many lesbians who don’t live in relationships that require traditional gen der roles shrug off the social norms that dic tate how women “should” look and act. Women pursuing relationships with both men and women might appear different from K ristin F lickingf . r writes about her own lesbians, because they inhabit a world where adventure o f self-discovery a t midleap.com. A FEMALE FRIENDLY SEX TOY BOUTIQUE THANKS TO YOU, WE RE CELEBRATING OUR 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!! CHECK THE WEBSITE FOR UPCOMING CLASSES. SHEBOPTHESHOPCOM
