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34
voices-
JULY 15. 2011
WWW.JUSTOUT.COM
Get With The Program
a I’ve been seeing this guy for a
■ while. H e’s a really nice, really sexy
guy, and I dig him. We met at a dinner party,
where friends introduced us, and from there
we’ve been spending a lot o f one-on-one
time, like hiking and, um, stuff. 1 took him
out to dinner the other night and, when I
asked him to pick out a bottle o f wine for
us, was surprised to find out that he doesn’t
drink, because he’s a recovering alcoholic. I
know people who don’t drink, but we don’t
really talk about it, and I’ve never dated
someone who doesn’t drink at all. I’m not
a big drinker, hut the idea that we’ll never
share a bottle o f wine makes me a little sad.
Also, 1 don’t want to offend him by drinking
in front o f him, or having a party where I’m
serving alcohol. H e’s a really great, engag
ing guy. I’m not sure how to move forward.
Q
a big part of why you find him so fun and
engaging.
If it really, truly matters to you that you will
never share a bottle of wine with this guy,
then, honey, it’s not going to work—for either
of you. But if you can get over that, and work
through the social awkwardness that you’re
feeling, you could find yourself in an emotion
ally and spiritually fulfilling relationship like
you’ve never experienced.
Frankly, it’s where I find myself now. I’m in
a relationship with a woman who is in recov
ery. I don’t drink. I never did. I’m not part of
the program, hut I still face the pressures we
all do to have a drink in your hand at a party.
So, for me, dating someone who is sober is a
a Alcohol *is part of gay culture. I’m wonderful thing. It’s an added bonus to the
■ sorry to say it, but it’s true. Hell, it’s smart, sexy package she brings. The fact that
part of American culture. A lot of queers are she doesn’t drink takes away some of the anxi
wounded kids who are still covering up hurt ety that I feel in social situations where I’m
with alcohol (or drugs or food or something). expected to he imbibing.
If it’s awkward for you that he’s not drink
But it’s more than that—much more. A
ing, imagine how awkward it is for him. Be person who is in recovery isn’t just someone
proud of your partner for facing his demons. who doesn’t drink. Sobriety is a part of every
It’s the reason he can be a present and full facet of their life. I find that my girlfriend is
participant in your relationship. It’s probably dedicated to honest, open communication
A
her providing support to others in recovery as
they find themselves in dark times. It reminds
me to show compassion to my fellow human
beings.
Everything that she does to support her
recovery strengthens her, and it strengthens
our relationship, because she is fully able to
engage from a place of conscious, deliberate
action. It is one of the most beautiful things I
have ever experienced.
So, my dear, if you like this guy, try to put
aside your awkwardness, and experience the
beauty he may have to offer you. If you have
questions, ask. If you’re wondering how he
feels at a party where your friends are all
drinking, ask him. If you want to know how
to support him, ask. Let him know that you’re
willing to support him if you can.
If you would like to know more about the
program, think about attending an Al-Anon
meeting (for friends and family of alcoholics),
or a CoDA meeting (for people seeking healthy
relationships). These meetings will introduce
you to the idea of 12-step programs, and give
you the tools to both better understand your
partner and to make sure you are placing your
self and your spirituality first, too.
and takes responsibility for her behavior. She
is deliberate in her thoughts and actions in a
way that is really rare. She is dedicated to
these things because she is a fantastic person,
and also because they are important aspects of
her recovery. Being in a relationship with
someone like that inspires me to embrace
those ideals with her.
Dating a person in recovery means dating
someone who is, first and foremost, truly
dedicated to a spiritual relationship with their
higher power. Tt means dating someone who
is committed to helping others and being of
service in their daily lives. It can mean phone
calls and meetings on a daily basis.
My girlfriend meditates and makes and
takes calls every single day. For me, it means
that the mornings are hers, a kind of no-fly
zone that I respect so that she can do her
spiritual work. I am blessed to be able to wit
ness my partner honoring herself every time
she meditates or prays. I am inspired to find
my own sacred, personal time. And I see her
reaching out to a beautiful support structure
of like-minded people who hold her account K ristin F lickingf . r talks more about relation
able, and connect her to a community. I see ships, life and love at askthegay.com.
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