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Licensed in W ashington and O regon
JOEL H A M L E Y
Principal Broker, APR
T he Real in Realtor
1902 SE Morrison St. • Portland, OR 97214
Direct: 971.506.9499
II«
www.welcomehomepdx.com
See my display ad in this issue.
R ea lty T r u st
CROUP C
M as
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Instant Access to Portland and the Nation's
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Principal Broker
Celia J. Lyon
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J
Meadows Group Inc.
• 1902 SE
Morrison
SEE MY DISPLAY AD IN THIS ISSUE
D
ear
M
s .
B
e h a v io r
( j I w lValKstalc
Principal Broker
:
I adore my boyfriend and were having the
most incredible and lovely romance. My concern
is that John was raised to believe that it’s better
not to talk about uncomfortable situations.
This came up yesterday when John told me
about a problem he is having with his house
mate. Me told me that they’ve been emailing
each other about it. I said,“YOU LIVE IN T H E
SAME HOUSE! W H Y ARE YOU EM A IL
ING AND N O T TALKING? T H A T ’S N O T
* HEALTHY!” It got me to thinking: W hat if I
ignore this sign and then this happens with us in
a year or two?
So far, there have been no problems, hut
we’re just ending our first year. I talk about
everything in a very direct manner, no m at
ter how uncomfortable. I want to ask John
whether or not he can learn to be a more overt
- communicator. I want to deal with it now, be
fore we have a problem.
So I want to say, “I hope we can always make
it a rule to talk about stuff as it happens instead
of waiting until any real harm is done... And if
that isn’t an option, could you say so now?”
Do you think John could be trained to talk?
— Sieve
D ear S t e v e :
The relationship world is easily divided into
* communicators and non-communicators, who
usually end up in tortured pairings. The chatty
among us are initially drawn to and then end
lessly frustrated by those who don’t talk, and the
silent types wish the talkers would just shut up.
am, . ( 5 0 3 ) 294 -11 01
(•mini h d d a v is (a jre a lty tru s t.c o m
w w w .realtytru st.co m /tid w ayn ed avis
Let’» talk about your need» and create a strategy for your future.
Find Your Perfect A gent Online:
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1 .8 8 8 .4 2 0 .M O V E
ms. behavior
The relationship world is easily divided into
com m un icato rs and non-com m un icators, w ho usually
end up in tortured pairings. The chatty am ong us are
initially draw n to and then endlessly frustrated by those
w ho d o n ’t talk, and the silent types wish the talkers
would just shut up.
For people uncomfortable with talking, a
mere 15-minute conversation may feel like
breathing underwater. But for those who
experience talking as an actual need, non
communicators seem like recalcitrant teenagers
intentionally withholding communication.
It seems natural for this concern to arise at
the scary one-year mark, which is when most
couples are forced to move beyond the initial
thrill o f sex, movies and infatuation. Once you
bring up this issue, John’s reaction will reveal
a lot about his willingness and ability to talk.
As for whether he could be trained to com
municate, it depends; unless he views non
communication as a problem, he probably
won’t change. So the burden will be on you to
push it, because John is probably comfortable
with how things are right now.
You can try to motivate John by engaging
him in small, non-threatening conversations and
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(6 6 8 3 )
Love and Communication:
I’m a Talker, He’s So Not
«
3 properties
in 3 w e e K S
then rewarding him when he chats with you.
M any sages o f the universe have tried to
address the mystery about why comm unica
tors are always paired with non-com m u
nicators, even though it creates homicidal
impulses for both sides. Ms. Behavior offers
three theories:
1) W e recreate our early wounded relation
ships w ith our mothers: Those o f us who
felt suffocated are drawn to com m unica
tors, and those who have felt abandoned
are drawn to non-com m unicators.
Though it seems counterintuitive, we
unconsciously seek people who m ight
torture us into healing.
2) No other com bination works: Two com
m unicators would talk each other into a
coma, and a pair o f non-com m unicators
would ignore each other to death.
3) G od is mean and punishing.
D
ear
M
s .
B
e h a v io r
:
A photographer recently asked my girl
friend, Jane, to pose for a lesbian calendar.
This photographer’s work consists primarily
o f tasteful but sensual black-and-white nudes,
sometimes in couples.
Jane realized that I wasn’t crazy about the
idea and said she won’t do it if I don’t want her
to. My dilemma is this: Jane’s body is her own
and I don’t want to appear controlling and tell
her not to do it. But on the other hand, it also
upsets me to imagine her kissing or touching
another woman. Any suggestions?
— Connie
D
ear
C
o n n ie
:
Perhaps the solution need not be as black
and white as it seems. It doesn’t sound like you
necessarily object to the nudity in the photo
graphs, but rather to your girlfriend posing in
sexual positions with other women. If this is
true, you might explain which specific aspects
make you uncomfortable, rather than asking
her not to do it at all.
Try to say something really clear, like, “Go
have your naked photos taken with my bless
ing, pumpkin, but I’d be more comfortable
if you could please refrain from kissing, dry
humping and muff diving with others, even for
the sake o f art.”
M eryl Cohn is the author o f D o W h a t I Say:
Ms. Behavior’s G uide to Gay and Lesbian
E tiquette. Send questions or correspondence to
mshehavior@aol. com.