Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (May 20, 2011)
OREGON'S LGBTO NEWSMAGAZINE \ / I MAY 20. 2011 29 ------------------------------------- ' V U lU t io 1 ---------------------------------- In the Driver’s Seat? Dear DMV, I’m writing to tell you that your gender des ignation on driver’s licenses hurts people. I douht you set out to do so. To you, it was prob ably just a handy way to classify drivers: male or female. There are people who don’t identify either way, though, or whose identification changes from moment to moment. I’m one of those. W hen I was younger, I could block my ambivalence. It was easy to check “male,” because I believed I should. Also, the culture seemed to tell me that being male was “better than” being female, so it felt like claiming a prize I’d won at birth. In the last few years, though, checking those boxes has felt more and more fraudulent. W hy is that? Inside, I’ve had a voice telling me I’m fe male. It’s not always a kind voice. It tends to call me things like “mean girl,” “tranny” and “nympho,” depending on the situation. And anytime I call myself a man, it’s quick to re mind me that the label doesn’t apply. W here does that voice come from? It seems so basic: my gender, my identity, my sexuality. I assume it must be “me” who’s talking. I f I'm telling myself I'm not a man, then I'm not one, my thinking goes. W hat about the negativity, though? W hy am I so hard on my self? Perhaps it’s status again. If being male was better than being female, from half a life to whole BY LEELA GINELLE then what could be worse—or weirder— than going from male to female, or male to some No Man’s Land in between? Perhaps that last part doesn’t ring true. Being in the No Man’s Land has seemed “better” than living full-time as female the last few weeks. I’ve always liked androgyny. The people I find most fascinating are the ones who seem to blend genders so seamlessly I can’t determine their biological sex for sure. As I begin to ex press androgyny more in my presentation, I like my body and myself more. Even at this time, though, I’m bedeviled by that voice. Where does it come from? Is it my soul or spirit? If it is, why is it so negative? Maybe it’s repression. I’ve locked my gender away so long that when it speaks to me, perhaps I hear only hostility. “There’s no place for you in the world,” the voice tells me. “Hide and be miserable.” As I hide less, though, the world seems more alien. I look at men, and I don’t want to be one. They seem crude, boorish and fashionless. I look at women, and know I’m not one, but their trappings— the hair, the makeup, the clothes—seem alluring and taboo. And where am I? In between. I wear makeup and women’s switch will flip and I’ll identify with the male, and fear all the signs of the female that are showing. How do I integrate? A part of me thinks the answer is to con sciously forget those words. Can one do that, though? “Consciously forget ”? If each day I’m constructing an androgynous presentation us ing male and female signifiers, how do I forget the words “male” and “female"? And what about my male hatred? Clearly that can’t be healthy, nor can my fear/envy of women. Is this just a phase that will clear up soon? I hope so. So why am I writing to you, DMV? It’s be cause you reinforce our culture’s binary gender system. Should I want to legally change my gender on my license, my “proof of identity,” I’ll need to see a psychiatrist, convince him or her I’m “really” female, get a signed note and bring it to you. And what if I just want the damned gender designation removed? I don’t think there’s any one I can see about that. Male or female? Nei ther. Will you please give me the option? clothes regularly now, and I do so in fear o f the reaction I might draw. To me they still seem forbidden. I’d like to think I’m not trying to be “female,” but I know which section I bought the clothes in, and I know which gender goes to makeup stores. Part of me still identifies as male, as well. / may look a little weird, I think, hut I'm not wear ing a dress. No one's going to kick my ass. My man hood still feels like a VIP pass at those times, and part o f me hates it. Get out o f my way, I think. Let mefigure this out without your words! W ho do I want out o f my way? In those moments, it feels like everyone. As I write now, though, it’s hard to know. Maybe the female part o f me wants the male part gone. The idea of living full-time as a woman still feels exotic and enchanting, as though I could erase every thing that’s come before and live some fashion magazine life. Likewise, the male part probably wants the female part gone. “If I could only be normal,’” it’s said, at least once a day, since Sincerely, reaching consciousness. Leela Ginelle JW As I write this, I identify much more strongly with the female side, because writing L ef . la G inelle is the author o fT \\t G ender and fantasizing are where I’ve always connect Cycle: Three Plays. Visit zir blog at leelag- ed with it. W hen I leave for work shortly, some inelle.com. ------------------------------------ ★ ★ ★ ------------------------------------- MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND H ip Chicks do W ine gives you W ine C ountry w ithout all o f the driving. Friday 1 lam — 9pm, Saturday and Sunday 1 lam - 7pm, Monday 1 lam - 6pm. S15 admission includes a wine tasting of up to 15 wines, appetizers, free logo glass and live music. Bring in this ad and get $5 off from your M em o rial D ay A dm ission. (coupon good for your entire party). WINE Stop worrying about how to discuss your HIV status. Have more intimacy & passion, and less worry in your sex life. +alk +alk (Positive Talk) is a five session small group program for gay/bi/trans guys living with HIV Sign up with Josh: 503 . 278.3864 360 . 750.7964 jforrer@cascadeaids.org Cascade AIDS IM)iect >CAP e iitiM iA Incentives offered for participation a rf Ncwbcrg tasting room: 12 (noon) - 7 p m . LOCATED AT 4510 SE 23*° AVE. PORTLAND, OR 97202 5 0 3 - 2 3 4 - 3 7 9 0 I www.hipchicksdowine.com
