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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (April 15, 2011)
vo ices > Transitional Dating OREGON S LGBTO NEWSMAGAZINE Q A PRIL 15. 2011 2z_j•: m Could you imagine going out with ■ a woman who wants to physically transition to become a man? This is my cur rent situation. I really like her, and this may sound superficial, but I don't want to date a man. Something inside of me says “no" but also “yes” in some way. I feel like I am Is it the parts that we are born with strange. that define our gender? Is it the parts are not strange. This is an inter- ■ esting and complex question. Many o f us in the queer community have worked through issues that surround dating a mem ber o f the same sex. (Lord knows there are enough o f those issues for us to work on for years.) But this particular matter flips things around in a different way. Think about it. You grow up seeing straight couples together, get ting the message that straight is “norm al.” Then, just when you’ve come to terms with the fact that you like to have sex with women, bam!—you find yourself physically attracted to someone who looks like a woman but identifies as a man. Wow. And this is nothing compared to what a trans person goes through. 1 quote my dad, who once said, “I can’t imagine how hard it would be to be trans. I mean, that really would be confusing not to feel like your body was yours.” Strong work, Dad. I consider myself a lesbian. I want to have sex with a woman. Physically and em otion- A m Y ou and expression for the rest o f their lives. I feel like a jerk saying it, but I think it would be challenging— for me— to date a trans person, difficult— for me— because I don’t have a lot o f language around the sub B Y K R IS T IN F L IC K IN G E R ject. I don’t know how to ask questions about W hat about dating a trans woman, for in being trans. I know that I would need to do a stance— a person who identifies emotionally as significant amount o f work in order to be a a woman and has taken steps to become one supportive and educated partner. That’s not to physically? That would meet my wants and say I wouldn’t do it. I t’s just to say I would we die with? Or is it the parts we needs o f dating an emotional and physical want to take the time to learn as much as I identify with? I don’t rightly know. woman. Still, I’m not sure it would work for me. could so that my partner wouldn’t have to also I know what some o f you are thinking: be my teacher (terribly unfair), and so that I ally, that is w hat I want in a partner. That “That’s not a real woman.” But why not? How would know how to best ask the questions I means I want breasts and a vagina, and also is this so different from a woman who has had might have. the emotions and softness of a woman. a double mastectomy and hysterectomy? She So check in with yourself. It sounds like But there’s som ething even more im por may have no breasts or uterus, but we still con you’re attracted to this person. For you, is it tant for me. sider her a woman. And a trans woman may more important to have someone who identi I need to have an immediate and deep per have both— in fact, may have chosen to have fies as a woman, emotionally, or someone who sonal connection with someone in order to be those parts. So, is it the parts that we are born presents as a woman, physically? Do you want attracted to them. If it’s not there, it’s not go with that define our gender? Is it the parts we both? Need both? Be honest with yourself. ing to work. So far, those connections have die with? O r is it the parts we identify with? I Are you willing to put in the time and energy come with biological women who identify as don’t rightly know. I’m not entirely sure it even to be a supportive partner? W hen you have women. I’m not sure what I would do if the matters for this conversation, but I digress. the answers to those questions, you will know person I was deeply connected with wanted Aside from issues o f attraction, however, are whether to move forward, gently and with to change her physicality to become a man. issues of compatibility, emotional support and due communication, or to back away— with My sense is that I wouldn’t be attracted in the your own capacity to work through new terri the same gentleness and communication. first place to someone who identifies emo tory. Someone who is about to begin the transi tionally as a man— but you never know what tion process has a challenging path ahead. K r i s t i n loves her trans frie n d s a n d really hopes can happen. Many trans people have experienced incredibly they still love her. F in d answers to questions It gets a little tricky when our definitions difficult things in their lives. 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