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Losing My Religion
The holidays are over for another year. The
marathon carols and cheesy Lifetime Christ
mas movies are over and everyone can stop the
crazy shopping frenzies and maybe focus on
something other than the six-hour sale at Fred
Meyer and the extra 15 percent-off coupon for
Macy’s. Thank goodness, the bell ringers won’t
meet us at the door when we go into the gro
cery store and we can stop hearing about “The
Assault on Christmas” conspiracy so popular
with certain right-wing programs and publica
tions. Their goal is to force all people, religious
or otherwise, to focus on the “real meaning of
Christmas.” W hat is the real meaning of
Christmas? Do those who profess to remember
“Jesus is the Reason for the Season ” even have a
clue of what Christmas is really about or how it
came to be? I don’t think so.
Despite the stress to do Christmas well, I
love many aspects of the holiday: I love to shop,
I tear up every time I hear “Oh Holy Night”
and I love Christmas trees. Rut I’m not reli
gious— I am an agnostic who borderlines on
atheist.
W hile shopping this year with my mother,
she picked out a necklace for my daughter. It
was a costumey, Madonna-like crucifix on a
chain, which are apparently once again in style.
I said to my mother, “Please don’t confuse her.”
She replied, “You’ll have to explain that to me;
you used to be such a Jesus freak.” I was sur-
were once a strong center o f my life. This pro
cess began when, while married, I had an affair
with a woman, got a divorce and came out as a
lesbian. I was told I was not welcome at my
church— the scandal would be too upsetting to
the other parishioners— at a time when I need
ed the support more than ever. I started to
by Kathryn Martini
question whether or not there was good in all
things and lost my ability to see this opportu
I regularly have shoved down
nity for growth, especially while blinded by de
my throat that my life, and
pression and the gravity o f my situation. I still
whom I choose to love, is such maintained my faith in a God-type entity for a
while— until I returned to college.
o crime against God that I
My quest to earn my degree and become an
intellectual at 40 has allowed me to absorb the
don't deserve the some rights
material I learn much differently than when I
that I hod when I was married
was 18. The history, sociology, psychology and
literature I have learned all have religious be
to o man.
liefs as explanations for horrible treatment to
prised. It’s true that when I was married and whole races and populations including geno
attempting to live the perfect suburban family cide, slavery, racial and gender discrimination
life, my husband and I attended church regu and the withholding of basic civil rights to
larly— and although it was an ecumenical-type marginalized groups. As a gay American, I reg
liberal church, Jesus was at the center o f the ularly have shoved down my throat that my life,
teachings. I believed there was one power in and whom I choose to love, is such a crime
the universe— that of God, and I practiced my against God that I don’t deserve the same rights
faith and did consider the religious nature of that I had when I was married to a man. I real
holidays. 1 didn’t think myself a Jesus freak but ize that all Christians don’t believe this, but the
was a strong believer in his teachings.
groups that do have been loud enough to legal
Over the last six years, I have grown away ize discrimination against my family and me—
from that belief and the spiritual practices that all in the name o f God and “His Word.”
LIVING
OUT
LOUD
7
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I choose to have no part of this and would
prefer to focus on seeing the good in people
and putting energy into being the best person I
can be to myself and to others. I choose to leave
God and Jesus out o f it because, frankly, I don’t
want to associate with their followers. I have
lost my religion but not my faith in humani
ty— despite the atrocities in the world.
And despite my change of heart, I celebrate
the holidays— all which were hijacked from
ancient rituals practiced long before anyone
heard o f a man named Jesus. My belief s or lack
thereof don’t assault Christmas; I am acutely
aware o f its real meaning.
The tree is a bit o f nature brought inside the
house. The lights help to brighten the dark days
o f winter. The singing and the feasts bring
friends and families together, and the gifts—
well that’s just about consumerism, but I still
like those, too.
I can live my life and raise my children with
out needing to buy into the judgment o f God,
the guilt of sin or even the promise of an after
life. My faith is in living a good life and treating
others well. I know a few Christians who
should perhaps try it out. «K
K athryn M artini is a freelance w riter anil
blogger who lives w ith her wife and three daugh
ters in the suburbs o f Portland. She can be reached
through kathrynmartini.com.