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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 21, 2009)
O REGON S GAY/LE S BIAN/B l/TRANS NEWSMAGAZINE AUGUST ZI 20 0 9 3 B J M VOICES Seeing the Sod Signs I know things are getting bad when the bartender at Silverado cuts me oft'. Time to go, I think, push through the crowds o f drunk men to the black door, step out onto the wet sidewalk. Before me looms the building that was once my office-it and I become slick with rain as I look up at it, thinking o f the strange past when I wouldn’t be wandering the streets after midnight on a Tuesday night. I am almost two months into unemploy ment, and the ennui o f purposelessness that I had heard hushed rumors about is kicking in. The rain reminds me that I do indeed still live in a wet city. The water runs over my lips and the taste reminds me o f the dark and gloomy Portland winters. Not now, I think to myself, not this year. I'm not ready fo r the rain this year. Not yet. In my pocket, my phone vibrates-oh, thank God, it’s Chase. “Where are you?” he asks. “Come over. Bring Pita Pit.” Now I am on Park Avenue, ringing Chase’s doorbell, ascending in his elevator, two paper-wrapped parcels o f lamb gyro in hand. The door opens, and Chase hugs me warmly. As he steps back I see the wet im print I leave upon his shirt. The new Soft Tags EP plays softly on the speakers and I drip rain onto his carpet, tell him about my night, the maudlin wandering that his call interrupted. — D avi d REMEMBER TO BREATHE b y Nick Mottos “I c a n s e e it," I s a y softly to m y s e lf ... I c o n se e this d e s c e n t, am a w a re o f th e su b tle in d ic a to rs o f s a d n e s s -a n d th e stro n g est Inner port o f m e know s th a t this re c o g n itio n m e a n s I c o n re c tify this. I c o n m o k e m y life o h a p p y o n e now a n d th ro u g h o u t th e b le a k winter. “It doesn’t sound like things are going well. W hat are your sad signs?” he asks. I look blankly at him, wipe Tzatziki sauce from my lip. He clarifies. “W hat is it that you do that makes you realize that you’re descending into a bad place emotionally?” W . O w ens The rain smacks the window, streams down the glass. I realize I have no idea-Am I even in some sort o f descent? I shrug. “I’ll start it out,” Chase says, smiling kindly. “When you’ve been logged in to Manhunt for so long that your profile ap pears on the last page...” “Well, getting cut off at fucking Silverado is one. Is there even such a thing as being too drunk for Silverado!?” “Apparently so, Nick. L e t’s think o f more. You know you’re in a downward spiral when...” - “When you don’t leave your apartment!” “When you’ve eaten exclusively Thai takeout and 7-Eleven Taquitos for a week!” “When you wake up in the morning with your boots still on, your pants down around your knees, and the word ‘bitch’ scrawled on your arm with Sharpie pen!” “Jesus Christ, Nick, did that seriously happen?” “I can neither confirm nor deny that.” “All right, Drinky Crow. Just stay aware o f the signs-and eat dinner before you go to the bars, O K ?” It is half past three, Wednesday morning. The Hawthorne Bridge is alive with flash ing lights and bells, and before me a boat glides soundlessly past. I am soaked in rain, full o f pita, drunk, and realizing that Chase was right: I am in a bad place, the sadness S e r v in g O L & regon Established 1993 aw W a s h in g t o n 503 . 224.3100 Chiropractic Athena Zahn, Acupuncture Ani McManus, LAc #61781 Naturopathy Sharon Griffin, N D #35459 Massage JM m low Youi Status Beaverton Health Clinic - 12550 SW 2nd Tuesday 4 to 5 30 p m & Friday 9 to 11 a m H shorn Heath Clime - 266 W Mam Results in ^20 minutes^ Cynthia Daiboch - Artist Owned Gallery Acute Injury, Chronic Pain atid Wellness Care Take Aerilo u- Monday 5:30 to 7 30 p m L M T #12363 fJeiA) ih the- PùVii WILLS • TRUSTS • ADVANCE DIRECTIVES POWER OF ATTORNEY GUARDIANSHIPS AND CONSERVATORSHIPS Hep A & B vaccine and Syphilis testing available l m t #10928 Brittany McDonald, LMT #11205 A D O P T IO N S • E S T A T E P L A N N I N G w w w .o w e n t-la w .c o m • 4 3 80 S W M a c a d a m , S u it e 590 • P o r tla n d , O r e g o n 9 7 23 9 • P a r k in g V a lid a t e d Jami Adcock, D C #3505 Shanta Prescott, d o m e s t ic p a r t n e r s h ip a g r e e m e n t s Low-Cost Walk-In HIV Testing this summertime rain bullshit. He is the Port land correspondent fo r NYC mens fashion blog HommeBoy.net and (with Kathryn Foster) co editor o f the literary zine When to Change. a h e a lin g p la c e serving the community since 1 975 tto rneys at N ic k M a t t o s loves Portland, but hates T he B odhi T ree P. C . & A S S O C I A T E S A settling onto everything like a fine layer o f dust. Here on this bridge I am observing my life, staring expectantly into the confusing patterns, and am amazed that the reality o f my situation is popping forth like a Magic Eye stereogram. “I can see it; ” I say softly to myself, to the orange lights and the huge, silent ship. I ‘ can see this descent, am aware o f the subtle indicators o f sadness-and the strongest in ner part o f me knows that this recognition means I can rectify this, I can make my life a happy one now and throughout the bleak winter. “I don’t have to be resigned to sadness!” I declare aloud like a spell. The moment this - leaves my wet lips, in ridiculously cinematic fashion, the lights stop flashing and the bar ricades raise up. I stand with my mouth open, the bridge toward the rest o f my life before me. I am soaked and full and drunk, perhaps still sad but now full o f courage, brimming with hope. I smile and walk while, down the river, the ship sounds its horn once into the darkness, then glides onward, intently, in silence. For more information 503-846-4734 www.co. Washington.or.us/hiv ,Se habla español 1 WASHINGTON COUNTY 2161 NE Broadway Portland. O R 97232 815 NW Glisan Street 503.33 1 . 1 8011 F/ 503.331.2989 IV 503-719-5996 info@gallery815.com W O R LD BEA T RO CK SO U L W O M EN ’S O LD IE S JAZZ FO LK G O SPEL CAJUN CO U N TR Y N EW A G E B LU E G R A S S SO U N D TR A CKS M U SICA LS LO U N G E B IG BAND CO M EDY REGG AE SP O K EN W O RD AND M O R E ... M ILLEN N IU M EAST PORTLAND • 32nd & E Burnside St. • 503-231 -8926
