O REGO N S GAY/LE S BIAN/B l/TRAN S NEWSMAGAZINE
JU LY 17 2009
4 |
She Don't Need Another Hero
D ear M s . B eh avio r :
I’m not sure where to draw the line with
my ex. Ronnie and I broke up several years ago,
but we’ve remained friends. Ronnie is prone to
depression and sometimes calls me when she’s
drunk and despondent. It doesn’t bother me; I
help her the same way I’d help any depressed
friend. But it’s more difficult since I’ve gotten
a new girlfriend. Tammy doesn’t want me to
answer Ronnie’s late-night calls and would
prefer that I stop rescuing her when she gets
pulled over for drunk driving. (Her father is a
retired cop, so she never goes to jail.)
Is Tammy being unreasonable by asking me
to ignore Ronnie? Or am I wrong in trying to
help her? Does having a new girlfriend really
mean that I have to ignore the old one?
-Torn Between Past and Present
D ear T orn B e t w e e n P a st a n d P r e s e n t :
It’s easy to conjure up the scenario: You
and Tammy lying on the couch, cuddling in
that hot way that lesbians cuddle. You feed
each other ice cream, or perhaps massage
each other’s toes. Suddenly the phone rings.
Ring! Ring! Uh-oh, maybe it’s an emergency!
You reach for the phone (dropping Tammy’s
foot), and check your caller ID. You see that
Ronnie is drunk dialing you...again... Your
body releases a burst o f adrenaline as you say
“Hello?” and you’re back to feeling alive! Ron
nie spills the details o f her daily crisis while
your ice cream melts. Tammy watches you
shift into caretaker mode, as you defdy analyze
Ronnie’s mood and try to soothe her. Can you
really blame Tammy for being annoyed or even
disgusted? How could she feel anything but
short-changed?
Saving Ronnie is not healthy for you
and it’s not healthy for your new relation
ship; worse, it doesn’t even help Ronnie to
be “saved.” So, start screening her out. Don’t
take her drunk calls, don’t solve her problems,
and let her call someone else for a ride. But
be forewarned; you’ll soon have to figure out
what to do with your sorry self when you no
longer feel the rush o f being a hero. You may
be surprised at how lost you feel when you’re
not “helping” anyone.
♦ ♦ ♦
D ear M s. B eh a vio r :
My boyfriend Evan and I are about to have
a baby with a surrogate. She’s not even born,
and nosy people already are asking, “Who is
Olivia’s lather?” When we explain that we’ll
both be fathers, the next question is, “But who
is her biological father?”
We feel we should educate people about the
insensitivity of the question, but on the other
hand, this is a private matter and we want to
be treated equally, regardless o f whose sperm
happens to have fertilized the surrogate’s egg.
(We’ve taken turns with the insemination
each month, and know when the surrogate
conceived, but don’t want to share the info
with the world.) O f course, the answer may
become obvious to everyone once the baby is
born: Evan is dark and 6’4” and I’m short and
blond. But until then, how should we handle
the rude questions?
-Papa and D ad
D ear P apa an d D a d :
Having to repeatedly explain that you’re
both daddies is tiresome, and you shouldn’t re
ward rude questions with answers anyway. It’s
not your job to educate the public about the
socio-political issues surrounding same-sex
parenting. So, on the days that you feel weary
o f it, you could try a variety of responses and
see which works best:
1) “We’ve cloned a baby in the lab. She’s
half him, half me. Don’t tell anyone.”
2) “We were drunk the night she was con
ceived, so we’re not sure.”
3)
“If you’re asking which one o f us beat
off into the cup, we can only tell you that
we take turns.” (If it’s an immediate family
member asking the question, you may want to
substitute a different word for “beat o ff”)
♦ ♦ ♦
D ear M s . B eh avio r :
Your response to the person who asked
about keeping an old partner on his health
coverage through his employer, as well as
considering putting a friend on the coverage
by declaring him to be a domestic partner, was
right-on, but stopped just short o f all the con
sequences that would likely happen.
Not only “may” his keeping the former
partner on his active coverage (as opposed
to COBRA) be considered fraudulent, it “is”
fraudulent. And if he added a friend by calling
him the domestic partner solely to get benefits —-
coverage, not only would the insurer terminate
the coverage, his employer would likely termi
nate his employment for fraud as well.
I look forward to reading your column in
each issue.
-D avid Meltzer, SPHR
M eryl C ohn is the author of D o What I
Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian
Etiquette. Signed copies are available directly
from the author. Send questions or correspondence
to msbehavior@aol.com.
OUTREACH
»AIDS 6 HIV
CAREAssist pays for health insurance premiums,
prescription drugs and insurance plan co-pay
ments and deductibles for eligible people with HIV/
AIDS. Program of the Oregon Department of Human
Services and the Ryan W hite CARE Act. (8 am -5 pm
Monday-Friday. 503-731-4029 or 800-805-2313. www.
healthoregon.org.)
CASCADE AIDS PR O JEC T (CAP) educates youth and
adults about HIV prevention, supports people with
HIV and their families and advocates for sound HIV
policy and legislation on the national, state and lo
cal levels. Spanish-language assistance availab le
(Suite 300. 620 SW Fifth Ave 503-223-5907. Oregon
AIDS Hotline 80 0-777-2437.)
CITYGUYS hosts monthly HIV testing nights at The
Escap e and Steam: provides free risk reduction
counseling, condoms and lube: and offers free
rapid HIV testing and STD screening at the Men's
W ellness Center. (5-9 pm Tuesday (HIV/STD) and
Saturday [HIV only). 928 SW Stark St. 503-445-7699.
cityguys@ cascadeaids.org.)
CLACKAMAS COUNTY COMMUNITY HEALTH IN O R
EGON CITY offers anonymous and confidential HIV
testing and counseling for g ay and bisexual men.
No needles! Free condoms! Call for appointm ent or
walk-in testing times. (3:30-6:30 pm Tuesday 1425
Beavercreek Road. Clinic: 503-655-8471. Informa
tion: 50 3-742-53 8 2.)
CLARK COUNTY offers free rapid HIV testing and
hepatitis A and B vaccinations to men who have sex
with men in Vancouver. Wash. (5-6:30 pm Thursday
3701 E Fourth Plain Blvd. 360-397-8098.)
COLUM BIA COUNTY PU BLIC HEALTH offers anony
mous and confidential HIV testing, counseling and
case m anagem ent to anyone Se habla espartol.
W e lend HIV books and videos and offer e d u ca
tional materials and free condoms. (503-397-4651 or
800-244-4870.)
DAILY BREAD EXPRESS provides home delivery
of high-quality meals to HIV-positive individuals
in need Fresh meals delivered weekdays, frozen
meals for weekends. Volunteers invited to inquire
anytime. (M ara 503-460-3822.)
ESTHER S PANTRY in Milwaukie provides food and
personal care items to people with HIV/AIDS. Call
to donate or for services. (503-349-4699. wwwour-
houseofportland.org/programs/estherspantry.)
FUZEON INFORMATION G R O U P welcomes people
contem plating, using or caregiving for Fuzeon re
cipients. Facilitated by experienced patients, nurses
and social workers. (5:30-7 pm second W ednesday.
5525 SE Milwaukie Ave. RSVP to Ju lia 503-230-1202.
ext. 235. www.ohsu.edu/partnership/fuzeon.html
HEALTH. EDUCATION. AIDS UAISON (HEAL) offers in
formation about alternative views of AIDS causation
and HIV testing. C all for a free packet of informa
tion. (503-227-2339. bwport@comcast.net.)
MULTNOMAH COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT S HIV
COMMUNITY TEST SITE offers confidential testing by
appointm ent with or without your name. Some walk-
in testing. Sliding-scale fee Se habla español:
other interpretation by appointment. (9 am-4:45 pm
Monday-Friday except 11:00-4:45 pm W ednesday.
426 SW Stark St.. Sixth Floor. 503-9 8 8-3775.)
HIV DAY CENTER offers hot meals, counseling laun
dry facilities, clothing, showers and hygiene sup
plies. computers with Internet access, phones, mail
drop, recreational activities, m assage and haircuts.
W e are in need of volunteers to work in the kitchen,
meal delivery drivers, m assage therapists and folks
to help cook lunch to clients on Fridays. Feel free
to call M ara at 503-460-3822. (9 am-3 pm Monday-
Friday 2941 NE Ainsworth St. 503-460-3822.)
THE LINK, a social networking group for HIV-posi
tive g ay and bi men. meets the second and fourth
W ednesday of every month for social events,
discussions and other outings. (928 SW Stark St.
503-223-6339. ext. 555 thelink@ cascadeaids.org.)
MANIFEST (formerly Q-LAND). a nonprofit men's
wellness community, prevents and addresses HIV
and STDs by empowering men to pursue their w ell
ness passions together through programs like yoga,
cycling, hiking, meditation, healing touch classes,
vision teams, wellness coaching, information and
referrals. (503-223-8822. ext. I. www manifestpdx
org.)
MULTNOMAH COUNTY O FFERS FREE HIV RAPID
TESTING to gay. bi and trans guys in NE Portland. Se
habla español. (5-7:15 pm Tuesday. 5329 NE Martin
Luther King Jr. Blvd 503-988-3030.)
OHSU HIV CLINIC provides com prehensive health
care for people living with HIV/AIDS Services in
clude HIV specialty care, psychiatry, counseling.
addiction treatment (including buprenorphine/
suboxone). case managem ent, sam e-day visits
and online chart access. Appointments are a v a il
ab le regardless of insurance. (503-494-8562.)
O UR HOUSE OF PORTLAND provides Oregon and
southwest W ashington s only network of inte
grated health and housing services for people with
HIV/AIDS. Programs include Our House (24-hour
residential care). Neighborhood Housing and Care.
Community Services and Swan House. To volunteer,
contact Kathryn Siebert. (503-234-0175. www.our-
houseofportland.org.)
PARTNERSHIP PR O JEC T provides services to
people with HIV/AIDS. their families and those at
risk. Programs include HIV C ase M anagem ent:
Supporting Healthy Options for Prevention (SHOP),
behavior ch an ge counseling to motivate people
to protect themselves and their partners: and ALL
ABOUT HIV. providing basic information for people
living with HIV/AIDS. Se habla espartol. (Intake Line:
503-517-3590 SHOP: Laura or Kurt 503-230-1202 or
877-795-7700 ALL ABOUT HIV: 503-230-1202. Po si
tive Living: Ju lia 503-230-1202. ext 235 wwwohsu.
edu/partnership.)
PORTLAND AREA HIV SERVICES PLANNING COUNCIL
is a county decision-making body that identifies
services needed for people living with HIV/AIDS
and allocates federal funds annually in a six-
county area Need volunteers from all walks of life
(20 NE 10th Ave.. Second Floor. 3653 SE 34th Ave
503-988-3030. ext. 25703. www.hivportland org )
POSITIVE DIRECTION SERIES offers life skill work
shops to people living with HIV/AIDS at C ascad e
AIDS Project. Topics include employment, p a r
enting. health, women s self-image and sexual
ity. budgeting and tenant education. (Shyle Ruder
503-223-5907. ext. 202. www cascadeaids.org )
POSITIVE LIVING SERIES is a seven-week self-man
agem ent series for people living with HIV/AIDS d e
signed to assist you in taking care of your illness,
give you skills to carry out normal daily activities
and provide you with the tools to m anage em o
tional changes. (Ju lia 503-230-1202. ext. 235. www.
oh su edu/partnership/fuzeon.htmI.)
«TALK is a five-week program for people living
with HIV designed to reduce stress around talking
about your HIV status and negotiating safer sex
New sessions start monthly. (Josh 503-223-5907.
jferrer@ cascadeaids.org.)
f
PR O JEC T QUEST Integrative Health Center offers
conventional and alternative health care, nutrition
classes, support groups and recreational sports a c
tivities for people seeking a wellness focus to living
and dying, especially those living with HIV/AIDS or
cancer. (2901 E Burnside St. 503-238-5203. pquest®
qwest net.)
THE RESEARCH 6 EDUCATION G R O U P provides
access to HIV/AIDS research trials of new drugs
and therapies for people in Oregon and south
west Washington. (2311 NW Northrup St. «105
503-229-8428.)
THE RISK REDUCTION ZONE, a program of Outside
In. provides a queer safe sp ace that offers HIV.
hepatitis C and STD prevention programs: Internet
resources: peer counseling: referrals: and support
groups in a nonclinical setting (1030 SW 13th Ave
503-535-3895.)
SELF-INJECTION MEDICATION SU PPO RT G R O U P
provides a monthly education and support group
for people taking an y m edication that requires self
injection (Fuzeon. Insulin. Interferon. Vitamin BI2.
Testosterone) or those who are considering tak
ing those medications Providers care givers and
support people are also welcom e Group meets
the fourth Tuesdays of the month from 1-2:30 p m
at Our House at 2727 SE Alder St.. Portland. OR
97214 (For information or to RSVP contact Ju lee
Graven. RN Partnership Project Nurse C ase M an
ager at 503-720-6939 or 503-413-6389 wwwohsu
edu/partnership.)
SOCIAL AND SU PPO R T G R O U P discusses HIV is
sues for men at Quest Center M eet other nice guys,
share information and have fun (7-8 pm Tuesday
2901 E Burnside St. Terry 503-253-2292.)
SWAN HOUSE is a specialized adult foster care home
for low-income people with HIV/AIDS who need a s
sistance with personal care mobility, m edications
or drug/alcohol/mental health support. (Business:
503-786-4829 Volunteers 503-234-0175. wwwour-
houseofPortland org/programs/swanhouse )
TOD'S CORNER in Milwaukie provides clothing. ^
household items, com panion pet care, cremations
and more to people with HIV/AIDS C all to donate
or for services. (503-349-4699. www ourhouseofport-
land.org/programs/todscorner.)
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