Just out., May 01, 2009, Page 25, Image 25

MAY I 20OT 25 .ftf
OREGON S GAY/LESBIAN/BI/TRANS NEWSMAGAZINE
VOICES
Resourcing It Out
Recently I was invited to speak to a class
on “Serving Gay and Lesbian Families.” I
shared my story as a mother who came out
later in life, after a heterosexual marriage. I
answered questions, one from a gentleman
who asked about the resources available to
me as I went through my own “very intense
experience.” I told him, “There weren’t any at
the time, but there are some now!”
When I came out, I was positive that I
was the absolute only woman who’d ever left
a ten-year marriage for a lesbian life. I soon
discovered, through the magic of the Inter­
net, that I was hardly alone. Now, according
to an article in April’s Oprah magazine, the
number of women who leave their husbands
for other women is on the rise.
The author, Mary A. Fischer, cites vari­
ous reasons for this, including research on
sexual fluidity and how the cultural taboo has
diminished in many areas of the country. A
progressive city like Portland, with an already
large lesbian population, seems a perfect
place to take the plunge into newfound les­
bianism. And given the numerous emails I’ve
received, many women are doing just that.
As a queer community, how will we welcome
this expected influx of latebians?
In my experience, many of the fears the
lesbian community has about bisexuals are
LIVING
OUT
LOUD
... Many of the fears the
lesbian community has
about bisexuals are
also true of women who
come out later in life. I
recall hearing how I was
considered -‘ dangerous
territory:" I couldn't be
trusted not to run back
to men after getting my
bi- on.
also true of women who come out later in life.
I recall hearing how I was considered “dan­
gerous territory;” I couldn’t be trusted not to
run back to men after getting my “bi- on.”
Many, including my former husband, were
137 SE 28th,
Portland Or 97214
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convinced I would date a few women simply
to make a point and return to men. Another
obstacle we face is that, if we do find a part­
ner, our new girlfriend is sure we’ll eventu­
ally leave to sleep with random women. After
all, we have a lot of catching up to do after all
of those years of bad hetero sex!
I admit to wondering about my college
days had I realized I liked girls. Still, I’ve
never felt a burning desire to revisit being a
hyper-sexed teenager - no more than a warm
desire, anyway. It’s a conundrum: In order
to be accepted in the community, we need
to have several intimate relationships with
women. But because we’re so scary, we can’t
find anyone with whom to have those rela­
tionships! From the sheer volume of email
and comments I receive on my blog, I know
thisf to be true for many new, late-in-life lez-
zies. It’s time to give them the support they
deserve.
Joanne Fleisher, LCSW, authored the
book Living Two Lives and appeared on the
Oprah episode entitled “Gay Wives Con­
fess.” She hosts a website called “Lavender
Visions” (lavendervisions.com) and conducts
classes for married women attracted to other
women. Her popular message board, “Ask
Joanne,” features posts by women in various
stages of their journeys.
pverywoman ’s J-Jeallh pc .
Some are still married and living with
their husbands but also have girlfriends.
Others are in the process of leaving their
hetero existences and coming out as lesbi­
ans; most of them are struggling with their
double lives.
Joy, a Portland lesbian, runs a website
called “QueerL” (queerl.net) with blog posts
and a forum for other late-in-life lesbians to
connect with each other. A weekly support
group is also being planned.
Once a month, Q_ Center offers a sup­
port network called “Late Awakenings.”
The group is for women, typically between
the ages of 35-65, who question their sexual *-
orientation or began identifying as a lesbian
later in life. The next meeting is Tuesday,
May 19 at 7 p.m.
Such resources weren’t available to me, but
I’m thrilled they’re available now. More than
anything, these women need to feel accepted
into a new world filled with rules, customs,
and traditions so different from their previ-
ous, hetero lives. As a community, let’s roll
out the welcome mat and embrace them for
being queer. vftt
K athryn M artini is a freelance
writer and blogger. She can be reached at
kathryn@recoveringstraightgirl.com .
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