NIGHTLIFE NIGHTLIFE NIGHTLIFE NIGHTLIFE NIGHTLIFE
Fore play
Stm ‘Sax & tyui!
Everything you wanted to know about golf
but were too uninterested to ask
s a proud sissy, I’ve never been much of a
jock.
On the playground my designated
recess role was “timekeeper,” mainly
because I was one of the few kids with a digital
watch synchronized to rhe school clock. The
other qualification was my loud mouth, with
which I warned everyone when the hell was
about to ring.
Today, the few sports I can tolerate are
mostly appealing because the athletes are babes
(gymnastics) or because the commercials are
entertaining (football), not because of some
by Jim Radosta
magical allure of competition. Besides, I’m
much too busy competing with myself.
Golf is an even more elusive beast—it’s one
of those pastimes that seems more like an
expensive lifestyle (skiing) than a sport. Sure,
Well, it was w'orth a try.
1 have fond memories of playing miniature golf
/AiM.
My alter ego, Marcia Gay
at early video arcades back in the ’80s, and 1
k
Hardon. enrered the Sissyboy Idol
love the “Hole-in-One” game on The Price Is
T
karaoke contest April 19 dressed
Right, hut I’ve held a grudge against golf ever
from head to toe in pink...with a little help
sincerity parents moved from Salem to Umatil
from my friends: pink padded slippers sold by
la in 1993. Yearning to blend in with the con
Spartacus’ Charlie Vazquez (who’s reading at
servative locals, my stepdad (a fallen Sierra
Queer Fetish May 20), pink wig provided by
Cluh member) suddenly started swilling
Stef “Madame Bouffant” Pinniger (who’s
Scotch, voting Republican and hitting the
showing off her creations ar Medusaion May 6)
links.
and pink fur coat courtesy of Thomas Laud
I couldn’t relate on all three counts.
erdale (who’s tickling the ivories with Pink
So last year when he invited me and my
Martini May 12). I performed, appropriately
brother to join him on the driving range,
enough, The Psychedelic Furs’ “Pretty in Pink,”
1 humored him by encasing myself in a plastic
in honor of John Hughes’ upcoming sequel
contraption that’s supposed to improve your
about the 20-year reunion of Molly Ringwald,
swing. To my surprise, it wasn’t so bad. The
Andrew McCarthy and John Cryer.
next day we returned for a full round—with
I ended up losing to a worthy opponent,
the incentive that I’d get to horse around in
Fellatio Castro, who performed a Commie ver
the golf cart.
sion of Prince’s “When Doves Cry" and later
If I can have this much fun with my hetero
brought the house down with “Purple Rain.”
family, 1 can only imagine how lesbians must
it wasn’t exactly a level playing field, though:
feel every spring during the Kraft Nabisco
Fellatio is also known as mild-mannered musi
Championship in Palm Springs, Calif. The
cian Holcombe Waller (who’s celebrating rhe
corporate-approved tournament is better
release of his new CD along with Wade
known in dyke circles as Dinah!
McCollum and Geoff Stanfield May 14).
Michele Kort’s new book of the same
I demand a rematch!
name—subtitled Three Decades of Sex, Coif and
Rock n’ Roll—traces the events that led up to
“One man. Two women.”
the annual Lesbopalooza, starting all the way
X7 'X —Pumper sticker spotted while biking
hack in 1 567. That’s when Mary Queen of
x?
I*“1 a pickup parked outside a mechan-
Scots supposedly took up the sport, bringing
''
ic’s garage m Southeast Portland.
along cadets from the French court to carry her
clubs. Yes, BLxidy Mary is credited with
inventing the caddie.
treat same-sex couples equally. In the eyes of
Kort’s breezy book taught me all sorts of
these ancient lawmakers, now that the state
other fun factoids, like who the hell is Muffin
constitution hans gay marriage, the city’s
Spencer-Devlin, what the hell is a mashie
human rights ordinance is worthless.
niblick, and why the hell Palm Springs? For
Meanwhile, the misguided mayor of
the record: Muffin was the first pro golfer to
Moscow is under the impression that golf will
come out. A mashie was the precursor to the
actually deter gays. Yury Luzhkov suggested last
7-iron. And P.S. is actually the perfect place for
month that building a course in a picturesque
what comedian Kate Clinton calls “a lesbian
comer of the Russian capital would protect the
circuit party,” considering it was once home to
environment by deterring homosexuals and
queer icons Liberace, Marlene Dietrich and
other undesirables from frequenting the area.
J. Edgar Hixiver. Txlay it boasts a gay mayor
“There would he no harhecues, no picnics, no
and more same-sex couples than San Francisco
gays—nothing like that, because there would
or West HollywtxxJ.
he a structure that would take responsibility for
Queers seem to be everywhere in golf lately—
this facility," he said.
1 hate to break it to you, Mr. Mayor, but
despite the sad fact that, to this day, only Patty
golf wouldn’t be the same without queers. Now,
Sheehan and Rosie Jones have followed Muffin
if only someone would let us redesign those
out of the closet. The British Open in July will
tacky pants.... JO
feature its first transsexual golfer, Miamne
Bagger (not to be confused with Bagger Vance,
The TlJRR ¡IRLZ gay women's golf group plays
the subject of that ridiculous Robert Redford
every Saturday morning in Portland. For more
film), thanks to new guidelines adopted hy the
information visit www.turfgirlz.com.
Ladies’ Golf Union. The United States Golf
The A bdill -E llis W omen ’ s G olf C lub plays
Association also recently removed a stipulation
every Tuesday afternoon in Southern Oregon. For
that championship competitors be “bom
more information call Rhonda Young at
female.”
Progress...in golf? Not so fast. In Georgia,
541 ~621 '5778 or Sara Majors at 541 '621 -3864.
rhe House approved legislation in February to
Arts and Culture Editor J IM R aixista needs your
prevent Atlanta from fining the appropriately
named Druid Hills Golf Club for refusing to
feedback. Write to jim@justout.com.
(uwted dud
afeeidted
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