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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 5, 2004)
t 42 novembflf 5.2004 HUMOR ............ w ............ H i, my name is Marc and I’m a cokehead. A Diet Cokehead. Waist management (Luckily, I’m not the recreational drug type. I took Viagra once and it literally kept me up all night. Every time I rolled over it was like I had a kickstand.) I tell myself that the battle with my bulge makes me more accessible and lovable, like Oprah, yet a vision of being hard-bodied has stuck with me through thick and thin. So, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that at this point in my life it’s futile to fight. I have a naturally obsessive personality. In fact, some of the best things that have hap pened to me came as a result of harnessing those compulsions, which is how I managed to write a novel while working 60 hours a week at a job that sucked the life out of me. Now, instead of trying to kick my addic tion, I’m going to switch it. I’ve decided to become a compulsive exerciser. That’s right, I’m determined to become a gym rat, although I prefer to think of myself as a gym bunny because bunnies are cute and soft. (And so am I.) Instead of obsessing about food, I will obsess about isotension, adrenal fatigue and lactic acid. (That is, as soon as I understand what the hell they are.) I haven’t started making strange, glutinous shakes in my blender yet, although I have downloaded several photos of hot, muscular guys with a similar body type for motivation. Hey, it’s a start. But being a musclehead sure beats being a cokehead. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. JCH M y addiction notice I became addicted last year when 15 of the 60 pounds I lost came hack and took up residence on my midsection like an unwanted houseguest. In a misguided attempt to increase my energy while cutting carhs, I worked myself up to a 64 -ounce-a-day habit. I was speeding so fast I could actually read the stock market crawl on CNN. I guess I have an addictive personality. Given a chance to ride the mcxxl elevator, I’ll push all the buttons. Any little hit of adrena- line will do. I even get a rush just hearing that little hell telling me I’ve got e-mail. My addiction of choice, however, has always been food, which I’ve used to self- medicate ever since I gave up Gerber. As a result, my weight has gone up and down more than the Dow Jones aisle. (“ How can this beef be 7 percent fat? I’ve industrial average. Dur never seen a thin cow in my life!” ) ing the past 25 years, I’ve Other times I’m the compulsive overeater, managed to gain and lose the out-of-control gorger who devours every 75 pounds— twice. thing in sight like the cavemen in Quest for That’s like gaining and Fire, then hides his expanding gut by using the losing the Olsen twins. “untuck and suck” method. I fluctuate between concave and convex; As a result, I’m forever on a diet. In fact, I’m like Dr. Anorexical right now I’m on two because I’m not getting and Mr. Wide. Some enough food from the first. But after having times I’m an obsessive read every conceivable diet book, I’ve conclud undereater, the pleasure- ed that the only way to lose weight is simply to denying psycho who eat the lxx>ks. I know, I know— I should consume in mixl- orders a cheeseburger with fries, then tells the server to hold the bun, eration. But, having an addictive personality, I don’t do anything in mcxleration. “More is hold the cheese and hold the fries until all that’s left is a hockey puck on a plate. You’ve more” is my motto. seen the type: the manic label reader having a low bl(xxl sugar meltdown in the grocery store I once sought help for my condition by going to a support group, but gave up when 1 realized that the people in recovery were still miserable. (And not particularly thin, I might add.) You see, the problem with food addic tions is that, unlike drugs or alcohol, you can’t just stop eating; there’s no such thing as cold turkey, unless it’s on a deli platter with cheese, ham and pickles. For a food addict, facing meals is like taking a tiger out for a walk three times a day— six if you snack as much as I do. Lately, I’ve grown so frustrated I’ve actual ly contemplated taking up methampheta- mines and cigarettes because they don’t have any calories. Sure, they might kill me, but I’d die THIN. M arc : A cito ’ s novel, How I Paid for College, is now on sale. Read the first chapter at www .marcacito. com. For All You Naughty Boys and Girls The Portland Spirit presents STORM LARGE & THE BALLS Join us aboard Portland's only floating nightclub with one o f the city’s most outrageous acts. m- Mm i f filili? every Itoti j W ed n esd ay S t e a m P o rtla n d T h e N o r th w e s t's n ew est, cleanest, «Si: h o t t e s t m e n ' s c l u b tV b a t h f\i i Sandv H l v d . 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