august 6.2004 * JU S t OUt 25
Boo Hoo: No More
Pitching Woo
The myths and realities
of Lesbian Bed Death
by G in a D a g g e tt
S
ay the words “Lesbian Bed Death” and
many couples will claim that its an old
(lesbian) wives’ tale and that their sex
life has always— without a hiccup— been
an erotic breath of hot air. Probe a little more,
though, and they just might tell you the truth.
Coined by University o f W ashington pro
fessor Peppier Schwartz, Lesbian Bed Death is a
phenom enon that occurs in relationships when
sexual activity wanes after the honeymcxin
period is over.
But according to Wendy Blenning, a
licensed clinical social worker in Portland: “It’s
not just a lesbian problem. This is an issue for
all people. My practice includes a lot of gay, les
bian, trans and bisexual folks, as well as hetero
sexuals, and they are all coming in with the
same kinds of issues. T his is an intimacy thing.”
O ther therapists say lesbians may he more
susceptible to a waning sex life. “1 see more les
bian couples with sexual challenges than other
types of couples,” says Portland licensed clin i
cal social worker Beth Richm an.
Perhaps it’s not that dykes are prone to Les
bian Bed D eath, she adds, but instead that they
“suffer from more fear of a dying sex life and
are more proactive about it than other folks.
Maybe this is because we have the term .”
If this speaks to you like the Gospel, don’t
be discouraged— it’s not the end o f your rela
tionship. Keeping sex hot in a long-term
monogamous union requires effort.
“1 see sexual problems as I see any other,”
says Richm an, a 32-year-old who identifies as a
dyke. “It’s a matter o f isolating the problem,
exploring where it came from, being conscious
and aware, being kind to yourself during the
process and then addressing the problem in a
gentle but direct way.”
T here are a lot of reasons lesbians seem to
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slide into virtual celibacy. W hile the issues
vary, Just Out has identified some of the com
mon bedroom chillers.
Negative body image:
"I hate my body"
ssues surrounding body image are a huge
player in the bedroom. Lesbian sex guru
Jo an n Loulan tackles this in her book
Lesbian Sex. “Insecure feelings take a constant
toll on our sex lives,” writes Loulan.
I
Women with disabilities often feel an added
burden, as do some women with weight issues.
“After years of internalized messages, it may be dif
ficult for some fat women to feel relaxed, to express
needs and to feel free to let go,” writes Loulan.
Stacy Bias, founder o f TechnoD yke.com
and the mastermind of FatG irl Speaks— an
annual festival celebrating size, self and sexu
ality— echoes Loulan. “Being a fat woman
provides its own set o f unique challenges in
the bedroom,” she says. “Fat women face such
a daily barrage o f insult and injury from both
mainstream media and society expectations in
general that feeling sexy and owning your
sexuality is a near H erculean feat,
“Fat women also seem to have a hard
time feeling connected to their bodies,”
notes Bias, who says the negative messages
in the world cause them to disassociate
themselves from their skin. “Sex can be
less pleasurable for some because it can
take a great deal o f effort to crawl out of
our minds.”
Overbonding: "People ask if
we're sisters all the time"
ontrary to popular lesbian belief,
one plus one does not equal one.
“W hen you think about what
makes a spark, it’s not two o f the same
things,” says Blenning, who has been
providing mental health services since
1978. “W e’ve got to have some kind of
friction.
“But bonding is not a bad thing,” she
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