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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 20, 2004)
HUMOR I'm a celebrity ach year on my birthday 1 pause a moment to reflect and ask myself what’s really impor tant in life— specifically, am I va» famous yet? " f Well, I’m 38, and I’ve still got \ . < I quite a ways to go. hliximer beats dying on the vine, hut  Now let me just say that I’m an it makes me feel like I’m Baby 1U I-. Huey— that huge, overgrown cartcxin evolved enough person to know that duck waddling around in a diaper. my unquenchable need for notoriety is inherently selfish and narcissistic. In my checkered career (36 jobs in 22 years— you do the math), I’ve But, I’m sorry, that still doesn’t stop made more detours than a New me from wanting to he a guest on York cabbie trying to run up the Ellen DeGeneres. Gill me shallow, meter. And, along the way, I’ve dis call me vain, hut, Ellen, just call me! by M a rc Acito covered that one of the problems And I’m not ashamed to admit with being well-rounded is you’re not pointed that 1 feel relieved every year when I see that in any one direction. so few celebrities were bom the same day I was. That way, when Entertainment Tonight does Personally, I think it’s a gay problem. W e’re genetically wired to be fabulous— it’s in our celebrity birthdays, I will actually stand a homo-chromosomes. As a result, we’re the chance of making the cut. toughest people to impress. ("You’re creative Still, all in all, I must say, things are finally looking up. • and talented) You have a tastefully decorated home and a gym fxxly) A N D ... ?”) On the celebrity fixxl chain, I’m the rough Since every gay man thinks he’s a star, equivalent of a one-celled, scum-sucking organ when I get compliments, it’s usually something ism. But, since I’m finally making inroads in like: “You’re brilliant! A genius! You remind Hollywood, at least I’m sucking the right scum. And with my first novel coming out in Sep me of me!’ tember, I sleep better knowing that, it nothing peaking of reminding people of others, I else, I’ll he listed in the Library of Congress as should report that my increased exposure “Acito, Marc 1966.” means I am getting recognized more The realization that my life hasn’t been a often. Unfortunately, I’m getting recognized complete waste couldn’t have come a moment as Ben Stiller. tix) sixin. I’m grateful that Dame Fortune seems A t first I was relieved— 60 pounds ago peo to finally he smiling on me, hut I’m embar ple told me I reminded them of Nathan Line. rassed it tixik so damn long. With all due respect to the pudgy and talented At this point, not only do the students in my star, it mortified me to think that people saw college alumni magazine lixik young to me, hut me this way. Plus, you can well imagine that so do the professors. I suppose that being a late You see, in L.A. (unlike back home in Port land), someone who Lxiks like Ben Stiller real ly could be Ben Stiller. And that’s when the fun began. As I was parking the car for a meeting at Fox, a cheerful Tyne Daly yoo-htxxxi and waved to me as she sped off the lot in a golf cart that she appeared to be stealing. (How— and why— she managed to navigate busy Pico Boulevard in a golf cart during msh hour remains a mystery.) Likewise, on the way into Spago, L in “Tank Girl” Petty flashed me a shy, but eager, smile— the kind that says: “Hi! Your career is way better than mine.” However, my favorite moment came as 1 walked out of Numbers in West Holly woe xJ and heard someone say, “Look, there’s Ben Stiller coming out of a gay bar!” O f course, I could have corrected their mis apprehension. But what’s the fun in that) Instead, I hid my face and acted like I didn’t want to be recognized. I’m hoping next time there’ll be paparazzi. (N ote to self: Call the Enquirer.) But still (or perhaps I should say “stiller”) I’m holding out hope for the day when I’m rec ognized for my own accomplishments (dubious as they may be) and for being my own charm ing self. W hat’s more, I know I will have truly arrived when someone goes up to Ben Stiller and tells him that he lixiks just like Marc Acito. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. J H Get me a career! The Gospel According to M arc anyone who doesn't want celebrities bogarting his birthday probably dcx;sn’t like being reminded that his appearance is unorigin.il. But all that changed when I went to L.A. M a r c A c it o ’ s first newel, How I Paid for College, will be [mblished in September. Write him at m arc@ m arcacito.com . 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