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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 17, 2003)
HUMOR .............. ▼............... here’s nothing like the allure of free tick ets or free booze to entice me out into the world. Like Andy Warhol, I’d go to the opening of an envelope if 1 were invited. As such, 1 meet hundreds of people. But when it comes to remembering their names, I’m hopeless. And not just because of the free booze. You see, my name and face appear in the newspaper every other week, so many people recognize me. And because they know every thing about me from my getting married to getting a boil lanced (though, thankfully, not at the same time), they think I must know them as well. Would that 1 did. But a little cocktail chat ter a couple of times a year is simply not enough for me to necessarily remember some one’s name. I’m not proud of it, but, unless I move to a new city and start all over, I’m not sure I can ever catch up. Just the simple act of going out to a bar means I can expect a pop quiz; at random I will have to recall up to two dozen names. And it’s not like I’ve slept with these people. (Well, not necessarily.) It’s gotten so bad I’ve taken to studying before I go, poring over my mailing list like I’m cramming for the Faggot Finals. T he biggest challenge is when 1 meet two guys who are a couple. W ith straight people, it’s usually apparent which one is Fran and which is Marvin, but knowing Frank from Marvin is tricky, particularly if they’re both in leather. It doesn’t matter that they look nothing alike. Take the case of my friends Doug and Brian, who I’ve known for two years now and still can’t remember which is which. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that the problem isn’t my memory at all; it’s their names. Brian sim- T Try to remember What’s your name, again? THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC by M arc Acito ply looks more like a Doug to me and vice versa. Or is it the other way around.7 f course, 1 can sometimes buy myself a few seconds by greeting someone as “buddy” or “dude” or "darling,” depending on the occasion, but then comes the horribly awkward moment of making introductions. I’ve tried the old trick of waiting for those present to intro duce themselves, but that just makes me lixik mde iastead of absent-minded. Most of the time I’m honest and simply apologize for spacing their name. After the third or fourth time, though, 1 can tell I’m not winning friends and influencing people. I know I’m not alone in this disability, so typically when I encounter someone I haven’t seen in a while, I try to put them at ease by reintnxlucing myself. And most people respond graciously. But not gay boys. We’re not called queeas for nothin’. Many gay men seem to think that the laws O of physics do not exist and that the world indeed revolves arixind them. They are the ones who respond by rolling their eyes like eighth-grade girls and huffing, “1 knou.’ who you are,” which immediately sig nals that a reintrtxluction is not forthcoming. The bastard is going to let me squirm. So there 1 am, filled with performance anxi ety as 1 flip through the Rokxiex in my brain, snug gling tofigure out what to call this tempera mental diva. (How about “bitch n Still, I’m the one at fault here, despite my best efforts. I’ve tried the traditional methixl of conjuring up some clever mental picture, but I find that about as simple as memorizing the tax axle. To remember Matt Drapinski, for example, I’m supposed to transform his name into “mat- drop-pm-ski,” then visualize a welcome mat drop ping exit of the sky onto a safety pin and a Polish sausage. Oh yeah— and carry on a conversation at the same time. I’ve tried other techniques, too, like fre quently repeating the person’s name: “Nice to meet you, JIM . What do yixi do for a living, JIM.7 Where do you go to the gym, JIM.7" It’s effective but makes me sound like Rain Man. I’ve also tried associ ating them with some one 1 already know who has the same name, which doesn’t do me any good when I meet another Doug or Brian. T he method I like best is noting an outstanding phys ical feature and associating it with that person’s name, like Male Pattern Balding Bart or Over-Exfoliated Owen. Not only does it work best, but it allows me to secretly mock people who piss me off. Still, it’s a ton of work. So if you see me out and about, I beg of you, please be patient. I’m thinking as fast as I can. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. JH bAamby-Pamby MARC AciTO can be reached at marc@rmrcadto.com. J u s t F r ie n d s V o ic e P e r s o n a l A d s Dial > •T tT t MEN SEEKING MEN NICE GUY INSIDE AND OUT Salem area GWM, 39 yo, 6'2", 190 lbs. brown hair, good-looking, defined athletic build ISO a gay or bu male up to 45 yo and HWP for friendship and dating. My likes include working out, hiking, movies and the beach. Give me a call and let's get acquainted. Box 5678. (11/7)___________________ HERE I AM! “Welcome your own and other's failures. They enable you to cor rect your illusions, refine your spirits and model your love. In this wonderful situation there is no need for blame.” If this means something to you, please call me. Box 5634. (11/7) TACTILE SWM, 5'8", 135 lbs., 55 yo enjoys arts, w.o., the coast, abs. casual dining, nudity, your company. ISO SBM, 30+ yo, for companionship, TLC. Your inter ests? Letters only to Blind Box 473. (11/21) GWM, 40 YO, HIV+, very good- looking. Versatile, wild, uninhibited. ISO men for fun times and perhaps LTR. Hairy a plus! Box 5627 (11/7) visit www.justout.com to see most re c e n t ADS and to place yo u r OWN! LOOKING FOR 25 TO 50 yo for dating. I am 46 yo. Meet for movie or a drink? HIV-. Like to meet nice stud. Box 5 5 94.(10/17)_________ OLDER, VINTAGE ITALIAN male. 5’8”, 200 lbs., hairy, college grad uate, Ph D. in Social Work, retired. Love to cuddle, kiss. Sen sitive, seeks Hispanic/ltalian/Jew- ish man for LTR. Active, good- looking, friendly, faithful. Box 5593. (10/17) K< men Seekinu Ht men M ore Just Friends personals on page 54! i m B lo ck e d 9 0 0 # A c c e s s ? Now you can bill JU S T FRIENDS Voice Personal Ads to your credit or debit card. 1 - 877 - 800-0213 Place your own ad FREE at w w w .ju s t o u t .c o m -. afe ¿fe Û m ¿ yV , MEN SEEKING MEN Hey, fellas! MARRIAGE-MINDED SGWM, widower, selling house, moving west, looking for LTR. Me: artist/writer, new-age, spiri tual with many interests. I am' HIV- and healthy, blonde, blue eyed, 5’10”, 185 lbs. and a young 64 yo. Looking for healthy, fun, sensuous, commitment-minded guy. Nonsmoker preferred. Box 5591. (10/17) ..................... Send in your own voice personal ad to Just Out and be eligible to win two tickets to GALA night at Portland Center Stage’s presentation of Bat Boy on Tuesday, November 4. FRIENDS/LTR 5'6", 145 lbs., 32 yo, attractive AM. Enjoy travel, dining, movies, outdoors, dancing. Seeking AWPGM Personality with nice smile a plus. Box 5590. (10/17) To be eligible your ad must be received by Just Out no later than Friday, October 31. Winner will be notified on Friday, October 31.* LOOKING FOR a place to take your new dates? Take a look at our cal endar on page 32! 'Voice personal message must be recorded. WM, 48 YO, slim, cute, nice physique, conditioned, sincerely seeks the attention, guidance and, if need be. discipline of older men. Box 5589. (10/17)______________ To submit your ad visit www.justout.com or use the form on Page 62. y BA T D m m w THE MUSICAL m D U T S T O R Y & B O O K BY KEYTHE FARLEY&BRIAN FLEMMING MUSIC & LYRICS by LAURENCE O’KEEFE .«» iim .«..».-WEEKLY WORLD NEWS ■ j N \ l t MtATER LI VE
