Just out., October 03, 2003, Page 15, Image 15

October 3. 2003
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He notes, “Coaches get people from where they
are today to where they want to be."
The driving force behind Paul’s practice is
his own history—he didn’t come out as a gay
man until he was 35. "1 got married and 1 never
dealt with it until 1 woke up on my 31st birth­
day and said, Tin not going to live like this any­
more.’ ’’ Paul, who says most of his issues sur­
rounded guilt, puts himself out there because he
doesn’t want others to have to wait that long.
One of the hallmarks of his practice is that
he dries most of his coaching over the phone.
So, not only does he aim to provide a support­
ive, safe space for closeted queers and help
them realize their potential, he affords those in
small towns—or those too afraid to sit down
face to face—the opportunity for growth.
In his safe space over the phone, he helps
clients visualize what being out of the closet
could he like for them. After building a rela­
tionship, “I take them into a deeper learning
about being in the closet...we talk about
their fear, their shame, the rejection." Then,
they move to the future and visualization of a
life out of the closet. Once there is a gap
between inside and out, he can begin creat­
ing a specific design for how the client wants
to come out.
S hots
in the
D ark
eborah Samuels, a licensed professional
counselor in Portland, respects where her
clients arc in the coming-out process. “If
they’re not ready to come out to their parents,
I do not push people.” Likewise, she remarks, “I
don’t encourage people to do anything until
they’re ready.” She equally encourages her
clients, more than half of whom are queer, to
not "come crashing out the closet” hut to he
ecological and think it through.
After getting a firm hold on self-acceptance
and loving oneself unconditionally, which
Samuels agrees is the first step, the next hard­
est part is coming out to one’s own
family because of the risk
involved. “You just don’t know”
how people will react, she says.
“You can surmise, hut you never
really know.” Of her own coming
out years ago, Samuels says, “Most
of the people I came out to as a
bisexual had pretty much reac­
tions I expected, hut 1 had a cou­
ple surprises.”
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Life coach Eric M. Paul focuses on people’s
present and future, not their past
To compound that internalized homophobia,
Samuels believes our society has a lot to do with
why people are in the closer. “There are a lot of
things stx:iety does to make (queers) ashamed of
who they are,” she continues. “You’ve absorbed
all those ideas about what society thinks of you,
and you have to face those.”
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asenthall says that through the years, fewer
clients have been in the closet when
they’ve come for therapy. “Early in my practice,
coming out was often an issue clients came in to
therapy to address. Now, many of my clients I
see have been out tor many years.”
She attributes the drop in closet
cases to the overall support for
being out— within the sexual
minorities community as well as
elsewhere in society.
Because of Rosenthall’s sea­
soned experience in the industry,
she’s able to play devil’s advocate.
“On the other hand, 1 think there
are still and always will lie people
Now, many o f my for whom coming out is more of a
struggle.”
Among other things, notably
clients I see hove
D eep -S eated
familial religious backgrounds,
been out
O bstacles
Rosenthall thinks that 25 years
ago there was a lot more rixim for
for many years.
people to come out slowly. “In the
I | e must reject not only the
— Susan Rosenthall Catch-22 of ttxlay’s climate of
V f stereotypes that others
acceptance, people feel afraid to
hold of us hut also the stereotypes
come out because (immediately
we hold of ourselves.” Shirley
Chisholm’s broad yet sage words hit the nail on upon coming out) they are not able to he as
the head when it comes to the internalized ‘out’ as others they see around them.”
Once you’ve accepted yourself and have
homophobia with which many in the sexual
moved through the other obstacles, there’s real­
minorities community stniggle.
“All of us who live in this culture, I think, ly no finish line in the coming-out race.
have some homophobia,” says clinical social "There’s always somebxxly to come out to. The
worker Susan Rosenthal), who is a lesbian. “It’s prtKess never really ends,” Samuels says.
Likewise, Rosenthall says that even today,
just impossible to get around it.”
Even though some overcompensate by she still comes out three or four times a year.
denying it’s there, Rosenthall believes, it’s still "Perhaps it is to a professional colleague who
there. W hat’s more, she says of one dam of I have just met or a parent in my child’s class­
homophobia, it’s a struggle to feel gixxl about room.” Even though it’s easier for her than it
oneself while accepting that some people out was 20 years ago, she concludes, “There are
there find queer orientations abhorrent. Rosen­ always people who don’t know and need to
thall says it’s important to accept that being he told.” j n
“out" is to he a part of the whole sexual minori­
ties community, whether or not you want to he GlNA D aggett is a Portland free-lance writer.
You can reach her at www.ginadafy’ett.cum.
represented by that community.
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