IS. 2003 •
HUMOR
..............¥ ..............
Bov marries boy
W
ith Bravos Boy Meets Boy on every
one’s mind, I’ve been wrestling with
how to write about gay dating. Having
been in a relationship since I was 2 0 ,1
just don’t have a lot to say on the matter.
Instead I eloped to Canada.
My partner, Floyd, and I have waited 17
years to marry legally. So while the ink was still
wet on British Columbia's decision, we made a
run for the border. You’d be amazed how easy it
is. In fact, those of you ready to tie the knot
might want to take notes. G ot a pen? Good.
Here goes.
First off, Floyd and I chose Victoria because
of its proximity to Portland and because it
seemed appropriate to marry in a city named
after a queen.
We were accompanied by our dear friend
BoBo, who came along as the best man, maid
of honor and mother of the brides. The fairies
arrived by ferry, and we encountered little diffi
culty until customs confiscated our fruit. (Be
forewarned: Fruits can enter Canada to be mar
ried but not to be eaten.)
Upon arriving at the Empress Hotel, our
gaydar immediately went off as we spied a well-
gnximed front desk clerk named Ashley. After
the requisite probing (to find out if he was
gay— get your minds out of the gutter) Ashley
proved that there is indeed a Gay Mafia by
arranging for an upgrade. With the help of a
fast-talking clerk named Sureena, we ended up
in a deluxe rtxim with a fireplace, a turret and
a view of the harbor.
Indeed, the entire staff at the Empress was
extraordinarily supportive and, dare I say it,
“empressive.”
We dropped off our hags and immediately
set about obtaining a marriage license. We had
My reality TV wedding
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M a rc Acito
a choice of two locations—one on Menzies
Street, the other just off Johnson. Given our
fondness for Johnsons, we chose the latter. We
figured nuptial-bound lesbians might want
Menzies for themselves.
Gay marriage is so new that the B.C.
government hasn’t even had time to
update the fonns yet, so one of us actually
had to he listed as the bride. A nasty cat
fight ensued.
Eventually Floyd conceded that it’s not
a matter o f who wants to he the bride but
who is the bride. I’m embarrassed to admit
how happy this made me. If I were less hairy
I’d have insisted on the white dress and the
veil, too.
Then we called a Marriage Commissioner
to arrange the ceremony. A Marriage C om
missioner is a civil servant who performs wed
dings but, to me, it sounds like a character
out of a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta. I imag
ine a chorus of men in periwigs singing,
“ Behold the Marriage Commissioner, a per
sonage of noble rank and title” followed by a
poncy little man parading in and singing a
patter sting (“ 1 am the very model of a mod
em marriage commissioner” ).
Our Commish turned out to he a terrific guy
named Bill Smith, a straight retiree who, appro
priately enough, married us wearing a pink shirt.
We chose the grounds of British Columbia's
Legislature for our ceremony. This was partly our
way of saying “thank yixf to the B.C. govern
ment, but also because we wanted to raise aware
ness of same-sex marriage. We hoped that passing
tourists would stop and ask what we were doing.
Be careful what yixi wish for.
You see, all of the television networks have
reporters assigned to the Legislature and, as
stxin as they found exit what we were up to,
they swarmed around us like we were J-Lo and
Ben. It seems that not only were we among the
First gay couples from Oregon to marry in C ana
da, we were the very First gay couple ever to
legally wed on the grounds of the Legislature.
So, in addition to Bo Bo, Ashley, Sureena
and Andrea (our waitress from the night
before), our wedding was witnessed by four
cameramen and, eventually, the entire Canadi
an television viewing public.
Also present was Rich Colem an, solicitor
general of British Columbia (the equivalent
of our attorney general), not to he confused
with Gary Coleman of D iff rent Strokes, who
couldn’t make it.
Naturally, the Oregon media picked up the
story when we returned. (I say naturally
because we alerted them.) I was hoping they’d
run our footage with the weather ("We’ve got a
gay front coming in from Canada, followed by
a redneck high-pressure system ...” ), hut in any
case we got to see ourselves kissing on the 11
o’clock news. (N o tongues. It was our wedding,
for Chrissake.)
So I guess I did wind up writing about a gay
reality show after all— my own. But if the cre
ators of Boy Meets Boy were hoping to end with
a televised gay wedding, I’ve got news for
them— we heat them to it.
And that, my friends, is The
Gospel According to Marc. J H
Readers needing more information
about Canadian same-sex marriage should
unite to M a r c A c it o at marc@marcadto.com.
J u s t F r ie n d s V o ic e P e r s o n a l A d s
1 - 900 -
MEN
SEEKING MEN
MIDDLE-AGED PDX life partners
SLIM, INTELLIGENT, masculine
man in fifties would like to meet
others for companionship, walks,
hikes, movies/video/dvd, general
friendship, possible compatibility.
Box 5413J9/5)
RETIRED DEAN of Students seeks
smooth, submissive, boyish adult
male for LTR based upon nurtur
ing, love and discipline as
required. Box 5411 (9/5)
A GREAT GUY!
GBM, 46 yo, 5T0", 200 lbs. “Nice
looking WEM/looking for W M ”.
Who is W E M ? HWP, 30 to 45 yo,
rough on the edges, easy on the
eyes, for safe and hot contact plus
friendship, too! Me: laid back and
horny, you should be too. Take a
chance! Box 5357 (9/5)
BM, 47 YO, 165 lbs , wants to visit
■
Portland for short vacation. Would
like information on lodging,
nightlife. Would like to meet
younger W M for dinner date,
movie, conversation. Flying in
around August 22. Any takers?
Box 5367.J9/5)
SAM, 27 YO, 5’10”, 145 lbs., dark
hair/eyes, attractive, professional,
enjoys outdoors, hiking, jogging,
travel, dining out, ISO quality
S W M 20-40 yo for friendship/LTR.
Box 5364. (9/5)________________
seek sex friends for mutually
respectful, safe, playful man-sex.
We: versatile, curious, bright, a bit
shy You: similar? Singles or cou-
ples. Box 5360. (9/5)___________
FEEDERS/FEEDEES: Overeat with
me. Let’s admire each other's
swelling male bellies. 165 lbs., 5’9
seeks 200 lbs. or under for visits
to restaurant buffets, home feed
ing, belly stroking, more. Box
5361.(9/5)
SAN DIEGO TRANSPLANT seeks
info: 44 yo, HIV+. G W M seeking
info, on housing. I would like to
rent a room until I find a place.
Nice, clean, quiet— will be spend
ing time looking for job and resi
dents. Moving to be near my fam
ily. could use some connections
there. Set for October. Please
reply Box 5355. (9/5)
CUTE, VERY SMART SW M . 25
yo, financially insecure, Opera-
loving art fag seeks financially
secure gentlemen of any age or
type to attend Opera perfor
mances. I provide insight, amaz
ing outfits, lively discussion,
laughter and company. You pro
vide tickets, company and maybe
dinner Box seats a plus but not
required. Box 5354. (8/15)
ROMANTIC, MATURE SGWM, 22
yo in North Portland. Looking for
guys 18-28 yo for a possible LTR.
$1.99
I am 5’10”, 200 lbs., fairly m uscu
lar. dark blond, and hazel eyes,
am
also
HIWSTD/Drug-free.
Please be the same. I enjoy an
eclectic variety of activities. Leave
me a message if interested. Box
5347. (8/15) ________________
SISSY BOY WANTED
BiW M seeks submissive, feminine
GM for private, intimate experi
ences with you dressed in bikini
panties and nylon hose at my
place. Sex is optional. Be discreet,
sensual. Enjoy lots of foreplay and
passion. Box 5345. (8/15)_______
BIWM SEEKS SUBMISSIVE, femi
nine GM to enjoy oral, bisexual
experience Lets share expanding
our horizons together. I am open
minded re: age or race. “Cross-
Dressers” are welcome, cuddling,
massaging, etc. I am a well edu
cated, professional man. Daytime
or early evening dates preferred.
Box 5343. (8/15)
“AVAILABLE”
Retired doctor seeks 1:1 relation
ship with an educated man— prefer
Hispanic, Jewish, Italian. I’m 5'8 ”,
200 lbs., very oral, good lover,
independent, nice dresser. Letters
only to Blind Box 471. (8/15)
GAM, 48 Y0. 5’8", trim build.
Seeks an older (50+ yo), “master
ful" GM for safe erotic encounters.
Into role-play, discipline and
would like to explore light B/D sce-
r minute. M
A ccess?
Now you can bill JUST FRIENDS
to your credit or d «M t e a r l
Place your own ad FRE£ at
narios. What is your pleasure?
Box 5341.18/15)
MY GUY...
is 5’9” or under, 36-49 yo, healthy
body, HIV-, earth sign, creative,
romantic, bottom. No excess bag
gage. Be ready for serious LTR,
lots of adventure, fun, spiritual
growth and romance! Let’s con
verse to see if we connect Box
5340, (8/15)___________________
GWM SEEKING FRIENDS. 58 yo. no
STD’s. Come share time. You: 40+
yo. Movies, walks, museum, quiet
times, cycling. Box 5339 (8/15)
SHORT, HAIRY. HUNKY, older-but-
looks-younger (seriously!) WM,
gym rat, active guy ISO “real"
guys, any age, any race, any size
who are willing to talk first, play if
it works out. A good sense of
humor is important, also being
honest about yourself. Enjoy
movies, casual dining out, dancing
until sweaty. Box 5332. (8/15)
Hi men W k ln a Hi men
M ore
Ju s t F rie n d s „ g.
personal«
on page SO!
ilr
Standard Abbreviations
A sian
B lack
B eautiful B lack W oman
C hristian
D ifferently A bled
F emale
Y eah , right !
G ay
H ispanic
B rinc munchies
H eight W eicht P roportionate
I n S earch O f
J ewish
L esbian
L onc -T erm R elationship
M ale
N ative A merican
PO LY A M O R O U S
P erennial H ipster
S ingle
S exually T ransmitted D isease
T ranssexual
T ransvestite
No S M O K IN C , NO D R U G S , NO STD'S
W hite
Y awn !
Y ears O ld