july 1 B. 2003
HUMOR
▼
Celebrate good times, c'monl
as June the queerest month EVER or
what?
W
It started off, appropriately enough,
at the Tony Awards or, as I like to call
it, The Gayest Show on Earth (and that was
without Rosie O’Donnell or Nathan Lane).
It’s not like gay-themed plays haven’t won
before; heck, Harvey Fierstein took home an
award 20 years ago wearing a dress in Torch
Song Trilogy, albeit in a smaller size. But it was
"The Kiss” between Hairspray winners and life
partners Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman
that did it. Sure, their smooch was nothing
compared to the tongue licking Adrien Brody
gave Halle Berry at the Oscars, but it was
enough to start tongues wagging.
Amazingly, Shaiman made a comment
about not being able to get married and, pcx»f,
two days later our neighbors to the north gave
pwfters the right. You’ve got to love these crazy
Canucks: In addition to gay marriage, they’ve
also given us legal marijuana and Celine Dion,
the former being necessary to tolerate the latter.
There is a hitch to getting hitched, however.
While there are no residency requirements in
order to get married in Canada, if you want to get
divorced you must live there a year,
which is about 364 nights longer
than most gay relationships.
Meanwhile, Richard Chamber-
lain threw himself a coming-out
party and nobody came. Good rid
dance. Few things make me more
apoplectic than closeted celebrities sit
ting on the sidelines of history while
the rest of us do the heavy lifting. Still,
1 wish the old pillow-biter well.
Apparently, Chamberlain is now
headed to Ontario, where he will
The queerest month of all
to the idea of gays serving openly in the annal
services. There was no word on what tonner
Supreme Diana Ross had to say on the matter.
And speaking of The Suprêmes, there was that
little vote on the Texas thing. Perhaps you heard
about it. In one of the strangest days tn my lite, I
actually found myself agreeing with Supreme
marry his longtime companion, rhe legendary
C+xirt Justice Antonin Scalia and Supreme Wacko
Wilt Chamberlain. What’s more, now that The
Jerry Falwell when they warned that the decision
Thom Birds star is out, he can fulfill a lifelong
would now pave the way tor gay marriage.
ambition by taking over the role of Mama Rose
That’s right, boys. I’m already registered at
in Gypsy for an ailing Bernadette Peters.
Crate and Barrel.
In his dissent, Scalia said the decision called
he gixxl news kept coming. In New Hamp
into question “state laws against bigamy, same-
sex marriage, adult incest, prostitution, mastur
shire, an Episcopal diocese elected the first
openly gay bishop. (A spokesman tor the
bation, adultery, fornication, bestiality and
church’s national leadership responded by saying, obscenity.” Excuse me, but which state has a law
“In our church, only heterosexuals get to wear
against masturbation! If jerkin’ the gherkin is ille
dresses.’’) And former Supreme Allied Comman
gal, then put me in prison now. Just make sure
der of NATO Wesley Clark said he was receptive
my cell’s been redecorated by Martha Stewart.
T
And who does Scalia think is going to chal
lenge a law against bestiality? It’s not like some
love-struck zix »keeper is going to rush into a
courtroom with his ann around an ape saying,
“But your honor, she’s the gorilla of my dreams.’
Scalia sure is a sore loser. Word has it Ruth
Bader Ginsburg tried to oust him from the
Supreme Court softball team, but they need all
nine to play. Even Clarence Thomas said he
found the Texas sodomy law “uncommonly
silly," which makes it sound like Sylvester the
Cat wrote his opinion for him. (“That law ith
jutht uncommonly chilly!”)
Frankly, 1 find the whole situation surreal.
Apparently the only reason the cops barged in
on those guys in Texas in the first place was
because some vengeful ex-lover wanted to
harass them. The most groundbreaking gay
rights decision in the history of the United
States turns out to have started with The Bitch
Slap Heard Round the World. If ain’t exactly
Rosa Parks, hut I’ll take it.
Besides, just when it kxiked like things
couldn’t get any better, Strom Thurmond final
ly died. Someone broke the news of rhe court’s
decision to him, and he promptly dropped dead.
1 think Tony winner Michele
Pawk put it best when she said,
“Men kissing each other onstage,
drag queens and children: It’s a
perfect world.
1 axildn’t agree more.
And that, my friends, is The
Gospel According to Marc. JH
MARC ACITO l<x>ks forward to
sodomizing m every state in this
great nation of ours Write him
at marc@rnarcacito. com.
a
1 -900-226-7670
MasterCard
man to share my life. Letters only
to Blind Box 470. (8/1)
GWM, 28. 5’10”, BROWN HAIR,
blue eyes, 135 lbs. Enjoys music,
outdoors,
hiking,
camping,
healthy lifestyle, cooking, travel
ing. Looking for a fun and outgo
ing male for conversation and
friendship, possible LTR. Box
5319. (8/1)
WM, 5’8", 155 LBS. Hard body,
shaved head, blue eyes, 50+ yo
natural, into Dreamspell, working
out, running, bicycling, out of
doors, dining, lots of activities,
and sex. ISO like-minded. Box
5320. (8/1)
MIDDLE-AGED POX life partners
seek sex friends for mutually
respectful, safe, playful man-sex.
We: versatile, curious, bright, a bit
shy. Singles or couples OK. Box
5318 (8/1)
MAN FOR ALL SEASONS
Middle-aged man seeking GWM
over 50 yo for LTR. There may be
snow on the roof but there’s fire
on the hearth. I am a 5’10". 155
lbs., semi-retired professional
who enjoys his home, garden,
entertaining, the arts, traveling
south in the winter. I am a healthy,
happy, hairy Slavic man with many
friends but looking for a similar
30 YO LOOKING for 59+ year old
Me: WM. 5’10", 170 lbs., great
lover, good-looking, in Portland.
You mature WM. good-looking,
decent shape, fun, outgoing,
secure, in Portland area. Tennis
player? Movies, tennis, golf, social
drinking, adult fun Box 5322. (8/1)
34 YO, 5 9”, brown/brown/white
HIV+
GM
looking
for
a
sincere/honest/loyal and real LTR
guy. Not into games, mental,
drugs. Moderate alcohol OK.
Looking for real life, possibly with
you Box 5219 (7/18)
WM, LEAN ANO VERY FIT seeks
the attention and guidance of an
older man. I am boyish and 48 yo.
Box 5210. (7/18)
WM SEEKS DISCREET HOOKUPS
for very kinky hot play. Am open-
minded to trying new things.
Groups, sure. Like role play a lot. I
am 6’0*, tall, slender build. 175
lbs., brown hair, hazel eyes One
tattoo right shoulder (wolf). 33 yo
but look younger Very handsome
and sexy Box 5327. (8/1)
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Standard Abbreviations
A-
B -
BBW -
C-
DA-
F-
F riends F irst -
G -
II
H erb F riendly -
HWP-
ISO-
J-
L-
LTR-
M -
N -
PA-
PH -
S-
STD -
TS-
TV -
U sual N ons -
A sian
B lack
B eautiful B lack W oman
C hristian
D ifferently A bled
F emale
Y eah , right !
G ay
H ispanic
B ring munchies
H eight W eight P roportionate
Is S eeking O ut
J ewish
L esbian
L ong -T erm R elationship
M ale
N ative A merican
POLYAMOUROUS
P erennial H ipster
S ingle
S exually T ransmitted D isease
T ranssexual
T ransvestite
No SMOKING, NO DRUGS. NO STD’S
W - W hite
W aiks O n Bt a < h - Y awn !
YO - Y ears O ld
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