Just out., June 20, 2003, Page 50, Image 50

•juna 2d 2003
50
HUMOR
don’t shock easily. I’ve known gay priests,
trans lesbians and straight hairdressers. I’ve
had a man offer to show me his foreskin
“restoration” over dinner, and once I even
had a waiter who didn’t say “Enjoy!” But still 1
was surprised when I received a letter from a
gay man firmly opposed to abortion.
You see, gay men don’t talk much about
abortion. On the list of popular topics, I’d say
gynecology ranks lower than baseball scores
and auto repair. The only time any of us think
about making babies from scratch is when our
lesbian friends ask us for sperm. And you can
hardly call it an accidental pregnancy when
you ejaculate into Tupperware. (“No, no, no,
take this one. That’s the mayonnaise.” )
But with civil rights in this country dis­
appearing faster than carob brownies at a vegan
potluck, we should all be worried about the
future of a woman’s right to chtxise. It has more
to do with queers than you think.
First, the bad news: Last year President Bush
declared the anniversary of Roe v. Wade to be
“National Sanctity of Human Life Day” in a
proclamation that likened abortion to terrorism,
saying: “On Sept. 11, we saw clearly that evil
exists in this world and that it does not value
life.... Now we are engaged in a fight against
evil and tyranny to preserve and protect life.”
Then, in a step toward defining life as
beginning at conception, he allowed states to
extend health coverage to the "unborn child”
but without (get this) extending full prenatal
care to all pregnant women.
Body of evidence
I
N
ow don’t get me wrong. I have nothing
against the unborn. I was unborn myself
once. In fact, I think just about everybody I
know was unborn at some point. But if the
T
H
E
A
Why gay men should worry about abortion rights
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M arc Acito
government decides life begias at conception,
then the DMV is going to have a helluva time
backdating all of our licenses. And as I hurtle
toward middle age, I’m not interested in anything
that makes me any older. What’s more, not only
will we have to celebrate George Washington’s
Birthday and George Washington’s Birthday
Observed, but also The Day George Washington’s
Mother Got Mounted at Mount Vernon.
The very idea of our government telling
women what they can or cannot do with their
own bodies smacks of Big Brother, but, frankly,
I’m even more worried about Little Brother—
the president’s, that is.
Seems like every time I open up the paper,
first brother Jeb Bush is trying to turn the
Sunshine State into the Unkind State.
This is the man who tried to appoint a
guardian for a fetus to prevent an 88-pound,
mute, autistic rape victim with cerebral palsy
and the mental capacity of an infant from
receiving an abortion. I’ve heard of politicians
kissing babies to get elected, but this is too
much. Meanwhile, 3,400 foster children in
Florida wait to be adopted, several hundred of
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How To Succeed In Bush
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Tony Awarcl-Wfnnirf^Huíteírt
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M arc A cito will happily make decisions for
women about their m akeup, hair and shoes. Write
him at m arc@ m arcacito.com .
June 2f^July 13
EVORA
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whom the state Department of Children and
Families has lost track of.
My only hope for the future is that the next
Bush generation is too doped up on painkillers
and fxxize to consider public office. (In an
effort to keep up with her cousins, the Coors
Twins, Jeb’s daughter was arrested last year after
forging a prescription for Xanax. I guess her
HMO didn’t cover it.)
Clearly, the Bush Brothers are more inter­
ested in protecting
fetuses than chil­
dren, but eventu­
ally the fetuses
are going to wise
up and realize
it’s safer to
remain in
utero. (Come
to think of
it, mayhe
that’s where
they’re keep­
ing Dick
Cheney.) I
mean, why
tough it out
in the world
when you’ve
got womb
service?
Where will
it all lead?
Before you know it, activists from Opera­
tion Rescue will be forming human barriers in
the dairy section to prevent consumers from
buying eggs, holding up signs that say, “It’s a
chicken, not a choice.”
And from there it’s only a matter of time
before they’re protesting against homogenized
milk because the caps says “Homo.”
So why should gay men care about abortion
rights? Because any government that makes
decisions about a woman’s body certainly isn’t
going to stop at making decisions about yours.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. J H
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THURSDAY JUNE 2 6
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