“ WARD, WEREN'T YOU A LITTLE RARD
ON THE REAVER?"
Oscar wild
Was this 2002 or 1952? W ith Elvis returning
to the top of the albums chart and Republicans
dominating in D.C., it would stand to reason
that the year’s most acclaimed film was Far from
Heaven, gay Portland writer/director Todd
Haynes’ absorbing homage to Douglas Sirk
melodramas.
THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL
THE H0M0PH0RE WITH A HEART OF GOLD
8 Mile gave gay-bashing rapper Eminem a
makeover that rivaled Courtney Love’s short
lived renaissance during the late 1990s. A t one
point his character even came to the defense of
a gay co-worker. A sweeps appearance on Will
& G race can’t be far off.
P u n ch-D ru n k Adam Sandler loves shopping
FRENCH KISSING
PUNCH-DRUNK AND DISORDERLY
Anne Heche summons Celestia
First, Frau Farbissina joined the women’s
golf circuit. Now this. On top of the whole
world domination thing, Dr. Evil revealed a
homophobic streak in Goldmember, the latest
installment of the increasingly bizarre Austin
Powers series. T he villain bristled when the title
character, a Dutch freak with a 24-karat
schlong, complimented his physique (“Dr. Evil,
you look very toit— yes, you look like a macho
man”). Mike Myers, who played both parts,
replied, “You know, Goldmember, I don’t think
that’s something one dude should say to
another dude— yeah, a little creepy.”
Among the 8 W om en in the French musi
cal of the same name were Catherine
Deneuve and Fanny Ardant, whose Dynasty-
esque cat fight ended in a luscious lip lock.
Sadly, it was virtually the only on-screen
action any actresses older than 50 got all year.
Adam Sandler courted Oscar in
Punch-Drunk Love as a guy with a short fuse
ignited, in part, by the taunts of his seven
sisters, who called him “gay boy” throughout
his childhood. His character, as it turned out,
wasn’t queer, but writer/director Paul Thomas
Anderson’s absurd ego exercise sure was.
Forget the Academy Awards —Just Out presents its
annual honors for dubious achievements in cinema
by
J
im
R
a d o sta
DOES THE Q STAND FOR “ QUEER"?
Ex-gay actress Anne Heche made a futile
comeback attempt as a cold, unfeeling hospital
administrator in John Q . I wonder if Ellen
could relate.
AT LEAST TINKY WINKY
CAN RREATHE EASY
MAMA’ S ROYS
You know that homoerotic subtext found in
every male buddy picture? Y Tu M am á También
had the balls to take it to its logical climax,
with a three-way love scene that ranks among
cinema’s sexiest. And now that director Alfon
so Cuarón has been tapped to take over the
underachieving Harry Potter franchise, time
will tell whether he’ll have the pubescent pupil
poke his wand into redhead pal Ron Weasley.
OH, L00K«.A GUY IN A DRESS
Juvenile flicks Sorority Boys, Jutuanna Mann
and The H ot C hick predictably played right into
homophobic dudes’ worst fears about gender
bending. How original.
DECENT EXPOSURE
Bigots blasted S cooby-D oo for pot refer
ences and “hints at lesbianism” on the part
o f Velma (Linda C ardellini). “I’m disheart
ened to see just what the producers meant
with the promotional line ‘T h e New Doo,’ ”
grumbled Robert Knight o f the Culture and
Family Institute. Unfortunately, a deleted
smooch with Daphne (Sarah M ichelle
G ellar) didn’t end up on the DVD.
Goldmember (Mike Myers) creeps out Dr. Evil
THE GREATEST STORY NEVER SEEN
Too bad most people missed writer/director
David Jacobson’s Dahmer— easily one of the
year’s best films. Jeremy Renner expertly chan
neled the infamous gay serial killer, but the real
scene stealer was Artel Kayaru as Rodney, one
of his potential victims.
KILLER INSTINCT
In Red Dragon, serial killer profiler Will
Graham (Edward Norton) knew just how
to push the Tooth Fairy’s (Ralph Fiennes)
buttons: Just call him a faggot. Hmm, I
wonder whether this approach would work
with Osama bin Laden.
“ I KNOW NUTING!"
Juwanna Mann (Miguel A . Núñez Jr.) blends right in
H ogan’s H eroes actor Bob Crane (Greg
Kinnear) dumped best friend John Car
penter (Willem Dafoe) upon discovering
that his home pom co-star copped a feel
during one o f their videotaped orgies in
Auto Focus.
Bravo to hotties Kip Pardue (T he Rules o f
Attraction) and Michael Vartan (One Hour
Photo) for displaying their assets to the world in
all-too-rare “pickle shots.” Thanks but no
thanks to Tim Blake Nelson (The G ood G irl).
WE WERE RODRED!
Meanwhile, the clothes stayed on
Jesse Bradford (Swim fan), Johnny
Knoxville (jackass the movie) and David
Duchovny (Full Frontal, a film shameful
ly guilty of false advertising).
HOMO SECURITY SYSTEM
Jodie Foster thwarted thieves
by locking herself in a Panic
Room with her baby-dyke
daughter (Kristen Stew
art). I guess it runs in the
family.
TITLES WITH GREATEST
GAY PORN POTENTIAL
My Big Fat G reek Sausage,
The Importance o f Doing Ernest,
Sexual Minority Report,
Bi Another Day, The Lord
o f the Cockrings: The Two
Towers, The Truth About
Charlie, Igby Goes Down. J H
HELLO, FRISCO!
Richard Gere did
little to quell those
gerbil-jamming rumors
this year. In Unfaithful
he was the cuckold
husband of adulteress
Diane Lane. Later this
month he’ll star in
Chicago, which
happens to be a
M U SICA L written
by a GAY MAN
(Bill Condon of
G ods and Monsters
fame). Need we
say more?
Ruh-oh! Right-wingers
condemned Velina (Linda
Cardellini) for exploring her
sexuality in S cooby-D oo.
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