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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 20, 2002)
CULTURE Ufo» m m m m •••••••••••••••••••••• ou’re tapped out. You’re tired out. You don’t know what to buy anymore, and you don’t really care. Well, listen up. A colorful little store with 10 Portland-area locations (one near you) has the answer to all your holiday buying woes. It’s called The Dollar Tree, and everything in it costs a dollar. Not only can you afford the stuff, it’s easy to keep track of what you spend. Just Out investigative reporters have already done the hardest part: They went in ahead of you. Each got $5 to buy five gifts for loved ones. Here’s what happened. Floyd is a shopper to be reckoned with A day late and a dollar short Let Just Out help you say goodbye to last-minute shopping stress know exactly who these will go to, but I’ve got no shortage of aging party boys to choose from. Erin Sexton: Just Out Advertising Assistant, kick-ass lesbo activist, can’t wait to have kids Five bucks, eh? No problem. I took Jessica, our Gresham High School senior volunteer, out to do some last-minute gift shopping with an idea: What were your favorite presents to receive when you were a child? If you said socks and underwear, I am henceforth revoking your childhood and giving it to a noisy kid. The goal: Obtain five clanging, chugging, ringing gifts to give to my children...I mean co-workers. First we found a delightful set of brassy bells to hang on a doorknob. No, for a real doorknob! Sheesh. Then we moved on to the pink and blue rubber spider that squeaks loudly when you aw ^ J H f" squeeze it. Look before you sit. Floyd Sklaver: free-lancer writer, long term relationship, suburbanite The Dollar Tree is the kind of place where you’re hound to buy stuff you don’t need just because it costs a dollar. But I’m on a mission— and in luck. Walking down the first aisle, I find an elastic scungie made out of fuschia-colored hair— perfect for my favorite drag queen, Amanda B. Reckonedwith. In the next aisle, toys (no, not those kind), I find the Smart Fireman with movable arms and it head for my friend Roger, who loves fire men so much he gets hot whenever he hears a siren. (OK, maybe it will be that kind of toy). Next is foodstuffs, where a Kittle of pickles leaps out at me for my lesbian friend Riley, six months pregnant and craving all kinds of odd things. 1 get her the sliced dills because she won’t put anything resembling a penis in Erin revisits her childhood her mouth (artificial insemination). Finally, next to the cash register are key chains. 1 grab two: One says, “Forty is the Ulti mate F Word,” and the other says, “Looking for a man who hates football and can cook.” I don’t Get Your Shag in Shape For Your Holiday Gatherings! •carpet cleaning •upholstery •oriental nigs •winoow DitiMi cleaning . u M n ilj iA ii L lia jl iia m a Mention this ad for $5 off 503-590-4746 deepcleancarpet.com Michael Wayne Keck: free-lance writer, young, loves hair gel First, I got my grandma this hideous little basket filled with sculpted soaps because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there’s nothing a grandma likes more than scented, lime-green, seashell-looking doodads. Speaking of doodads, what do you get a dad? It’s an age-old problem that’s been around longer than Bob Barker. Last year I got Dad a nice ink pen, the year before a snazzy tie, this year...dress socks. It’s the thought that counts, right? For my roommate, Abby, bless her cute little pigtail-wearing heart, I got some hair clips. She keeps telling me she wants her hair to look like Jennifer Aniston’s. As every gay boy should know, that takes a stylist, a lot of product or at least some damn hair clips. For my friend Kevin, I got a key chain that says, “Looking for a man who hates football and can cook.” I’m not sure if that’s from the Bible or not, but it *>Tv; . really reached out and spoke to me. Last but not least for the person who.. .do I really need to say why I got a 13-inch flute for someone? Use your imagination. Marty Davis: Just Out Publisher, no friends, loves dog Fuck. It’s festive holiday gift giving time. Usually by this time of the year I’ve pissed off everyone I know and don’t have to shop. So where did I go wrong this time? All right, flush with $5 in my pocket I head off for my big 15-minute holiday shopping spree. Note to self: Don’t have this prob lem next year. For my favorite gay guy, Stubby, I happen upon gaily packaged “Pocket Rockets.” These charming suppository-shaped “toys” claim to “fly up to » rrf.'i,*. / < 4 in • For D ollar T ree locations, visit wunv.dollarrree.com. Just Out would like to Michael and his magic flute point out that half (with cleaning rod!) of our participants chose the football/cook key chain, which clearly indicates the perfect gift. The BIGGEST GAY LEAGUE in Portland bow ls at Call Now to Book Pre-Holiday Cleaning! Deep Clean Carpet Systems Gijf^wticd 4 opcfitcd I was drawn to the light saber that both flashes and makes canned Star Wars-type nois es. Then, in preparation for my own version of O-Town, we got a package of beautiful plastic harmonicas. Finally, Jessica just had to have The Dollar Tree mini-semi. Yes, that’s right, her very first truck! It makes the sound of a semi struggling to start, then honks cheerily as its lights flash. Keep on truckin’ and have a safe and noisy holiday season! 30 feet.” This will be about 29 1/2 feet more than Stubby’s current personal best. For my old girlfriend, Roberta, who occasionally likes to be called “Bob,” I find a wonderful self-adhesive mustache disguise. Femme on the streets, hairy in the sheets. For Nora “The Notcher” I buy a five-pack of guest toothbrushes. No doubt they’ll be gone in a week. They’re thoughtfully color-coded, though, should a guest be invited for a repeat performance. I leave The Dollar Tree feeling warm and fuzzy because I’ve found the perfect gift of empowerment and sisterhood for all my women friends. Well, I should’ve bought read ing glasses instead because now I’m stuck with 54 jars of Tussy Powder. Damn it! 300 LANES! 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