novembflr 13.2ÛQ2 »
T
hat’s right, just when you thought it was
safe to be queer, The National Enquirer
has to go and announce that the Beltway
Snipers were gay lovers. I’m sure Black
Muslims across the country are heaving a sigh
of relief that they’re not taking the heat for this
one alone.
This on the same day that Murderous Maids
came out in Portland, a movie about a pair of
sisters/lovers who kill their bosses, based on the
1932 case of the Papin sisters in France. Right
now the Human Rights Campaign is about as
happy as Martha Stewart’s press agent.
A s I looked at the photos of John Allen
Muhammad and John Lee Malvo in the
Enquirer (OK, I bought it, but only because 1
was in the “ 10 Items or Less” line and couldn’t
finish the article in time), what bothered me
most was that both of these guys are, well, kind
of cute.
It’s very disturbing to me that a number of
gay murderers— Versace killer Andrew
Cunanan, Erik Menendez of the Menendez
brothers, Jeffrey Dahmer when he shaved—
look like the kind of guys most of us would
pick up in a bar; that is, if it weren’t for the fact
that they were homicidal maniacs.
C ’mon, admit it, while the rest of the world
looked on with disgust at American Taliban
fighter John Walker Lindh (also allegedly gay),
some of you were thinking that the wild hair
and beard thing was kind of a sexy look.
Now, no one wants to think about the psy
chos in our midst. Actually, I take that back;
our opponents only want to think about the
psychos in our midst, and, as a result, we queers
want to deny the connection. But there are
loonies everywhere. I’ve lived in the Northwest
a long time; I know of what I speak.
Natural burn killers
Baton Rouge, La., to freak out his family and
then went straight to...where else?The Great
Northwest, of course, to be with the rest of the
nuts and squirrels.
The gay community has its share of wackos,
too. I spent a good part of last summer’s Portland
Pride weekend meeting a couple of hundred fans
at the Just Out booth. While I’m pleased to report
that most of my readers are charming, brilliant
people of the most discriminating good taste (how
could you not be, when you read this column?),
I’ve got to admit that a few of them are, well,
kind of creepy. I
mean like
“the voic
es in my
head told
me to
M urderers in our midst
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M arc Acito
After Sept. 11, a lot of people in Portland
expressed gratitude that they lived in a rela
tively safe place where, a nuclear power
plant aside, it didn’t seem likely terrorists
would attack. That may be true, but
the reason no one is interested in
blowing up the Northwest is because
T H A T ’S WHERE A LL THE
CRAZIES CO M E T O HIDE!
Right after the World Trade Center attacks,
Floyd and I called the local Islamic center and
offered to make them free banners at our sign
shop saying, “United We Stand.” We wanted
to help people understand that they weren’t
associated with the terrorists. They never
called us back.
A year later, a half-dozen guys from the very
same center, reportedly motivated by an intense
hatred of the United States, were arrested for
trying to sneak into Afghanistan. I’m guessing
that’s why they didn’t want the sign.
Now neighbors are complaining, not
because would-be terrorists live nearby (again,
who’s going to blow up their own neighbor
a«»MWi?
visit
hood?) but because low-flying military surveil
lance aircraft are keeping them awake at night.
G o figure.
So I wasn’t remotely surprised when I
learned that after John Muhammad picked up
John Malvo in Antigua, they stopped briefly in
you” kind
of creepy.
No offense.
But keep
filling those
prescriptions, OK?
O f course, I’m sure all of you are just fun-
wielding material girls, not gun-wielding serial
killers, but still we have to accept the bad with
the good. If we claim da Vinci as one of ours,
we’ve got to admit to Dahmer, as well.
So, be careful: That cute trick you pick up
in a bar just might have a pistol in his pocket
and may not be happy to see you.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. J H
M a r c A c r r o ’s syndicated column appears in a
dozen papers nationwide. Write him at
marcacito@attbi. com .
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