Just out., September 06, 2002, Page 49, Image 49

September 6. 2002 »
f i U lv 1UP i l
..............V..............
A league of our own
Gay athletes are on the ball
hen I was in the third grade my par­
ents decided 1 should play Little
League, which only fueled my suspi­
cion that they really hated me.
Already a drama queen, I informed them .
grandly that 1 would deign to play any posi­
tion—except hatter.
W h at did 1 know? W hen I got an in v ita­
our way to get into the hotel, hut we just fol­
tion to an o th er hoy’s birthday party th a t
lowed the crowds of tough-looking women and
said “Bring a glove” 1 thought it m eant for
well-groomed men through the barricades.
gardening.
T he mood at the
I was always the hoy picked last for teams
talent show was
in gym, often after several girls and, one time,
cheerfully subver­
after a kid in a full body cast. 1 threw a hall
sive. “Are the
like 1 was a duchess putting her hand out to
Bush twias here?”
he kissed and ran kicking my legs
the hostess in drag
behind me like I was Angie Dickin­
shouted. “No? Good.
son on Police Woman. Accurately
Otherwise we’d run out
assessing my abilities, the coach
of booze.”
assigned me to the position that
Some measures had to be
best described my participation in
taken to ensure the security of
the game: Left O ut.
the leader of the free world, however.
1 m ight as well have been
Rose City Softball Association vice
playing in the parking lot, and
president Tim Bias had to be moved
was 1 ever thankful for it. 1 spent
from the M ount St. Helens Suite (“It’s
most of my tim e in the outfield
where
the tops blow," he said) to
singing show tunes and praying
another room.
th at some 9-ycar-old d id n ’t suddenly
To call th e ev en t a talen t show
sum m on the strength to wallop the
was optim istic at best. Suffice it
hall my way.
to say th e re ’s a reason why most
1 can still hear the groans when
jocks w eren’t in th eir high
the coach would announce, "Acito,
school musicals.
you’re up at hat.” (A nd that was
T he best performance came
from the parents.) N ot only did the
from Debbie “Brownie” Brown of
infield move way in, hut the out­
the Kansas City W etherbee Sting,
field ttxik it as an opportunity to
who took the stage with her team
sit and rest awhile.
carrying
what appeared to he tubes
To avoid striking out every
of caulk. (“Those lesbians,
time, 1 would deliberately get hit
always ready to remodel,”
by the hall so I could walk to first
said Tim.) W hile Brownie
base. It’s true—
proceeded to sing the
my lone a th le t­
paint off the walls, her team
ic skill consist­
filled the room and, on cue,
ed of getting Leaned by a
confetti shot out of the tubes,
baseball.
showering us all. T he effect was
So, ever since, I’ve assid­
magical.
uously avoided anything to
To me, the term “les­
do with the national pas­
bian
softball player” is
time until last m onth,
redundant, so the next
when 2,500 gay and les­
day I went out to watch
bian softball players
the guys instead. The
arrived in Portland for
effect here, too, was
their 26th annual
magical.
World Series. It was a
For starters, I took
weeklong event that,
one look at all the
in addition to the
muscular m en in tight
games, included a bach­
capri-length pants and
elor auction and a best
realized what I’ve been
buns contest. Since I’m
.
__
.,
,
missing all these years:
also a music theater queen,
tO W S U lO p 1116 D a li
There were some very hot
I opted to attend the talent
men out there playing with
show at the H ilton, where the
th eir balls.
players were staying.
More
importantly, in a world in which the
Proving the gods indeed have a sense of
baseball bat is the gay-basher’s weapon of
humor, the show coincided with a Republican
choice,
seeing so many athletic fairies confident­
fund-raising dinner featuring none other than
ly take to the field went a long way toward heal­
the president himself. Couples who paid
ing my Little League trauma. You see, without
$25,000 to have their picture taken with
even trying to be political, these guys redefine
Dubya got even more for their money when
for us what it means to be a gay man. As far as
some of the players from M anhattan made a
I’m concerned, here was the real talent show.
point of sucking face in the lobby.
And that, my friends, is T he Gospel
But that was nothing compared to the protest
According to Marc. J H
outside. More than 1,500 Portlanders showed up
to chant, “Not my president, not my war,”
M arc A cito ’ s syndicated column appears in
including a woman with a sign that read, “Les­
11 papers nationwide. He can be reached at
bians Unite Against Dick— Lick Bush.” Pretty
marcacito@attbi.
com.
Boy Floyd and I had to wander four blocks out of
V
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You might find one with
I spent most
of m y time
In the outfield
singing show tunes
and praying
that some 9-year-old
didn’t suddenly
summon the strength
m y way
W ed-Fri 2 -7 p m
o r by a p p o in tm en t
“Looking for a
naughty g irl."
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