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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 16, 2002)
38 J u st mat ? august 16.2002 OLD W O R LD CH RISTM AS • CH RISTO PHER R A D K O HUMOR ..............▼.............. o Dreamtime Meditation Systems S im p le , A f f o r d a b l e , R e la x a tio n - b a s e d Guided Meditation Programs with Integrity ★ Living Smoke Free ★ 23855 SW 195th Place Sherwood g Health & Diet ★ Self Esteem Located just two miles south of Sherwood off Hwy 99W on Chapman Road ★ Relaxation (503) 625-6052 Heal, Transform, Energize! Open Every Day 10am to 6pm SUMMER S A LE S ! Garden Accents During August garden accents, porch furniture, twig products & table fountains will be 25% to 50% off. There are some great deals to be had on some unique items so be sure to check us out. Sports Collection We have gathered maybe the largest collection of sports ornaments in Oregon. We have something from the most popular teams in the NFL, NHL NBA, College Football & Basketball. We also have NASCAR & Olympic events. We have mini-reproductions from Department 56 of Yankee 5tadium, Wrigley Field & Fenway Park. If you have a favorite team & we don’t have something for them we will gladly order something for you. d re a m tim e sy ste m s.c o m Call Toll Free Mention Just Out for a special discount 1 6 7 7 846-8447 - S A R A H ' S ATTIC • FIGI • V A R I O U S O R E G O N A RT IS TS ” U M A X « " * L ® - ** Spec»«» We use LYRA® the first FDA approved laser for ALL SKIN TONES! • H a ir Elim ination • R azor Bumps • Rosacea • Botox 1$ 990 per unit/ F. Dongles Day MD, FAAFP LLOYD CENTER 3 rd Floor, Suite 2 2 4 6 Plenty o f Free P arking • M A X Accessible 503.249.SKIN (7546) The only medical facility in Oregon that owm (he |Y and AURA® Therapy for racial rejuvedotioty w w w .LaserCO SM ETICG roup,Cj o m BOARD CERTIFIED PROVIDERS Don’t let your feet walk all over you. Treating all diseases & surgery of the foot including: Debra K. Lynch, DPM Physician and Surgeon Bunions • Neuromas Hammertoes • Bone Spurs Heel/Arch Pain * Fractures Cysts • Fibromas Ingrown Toenails • Warts Hospital & Office Based Surgery Prescription Orthotics Sports Medicine Integral Health 50 3-2 3 5- 37 67 545 NE 47th Ave., Suite 325 • Portland Getting touchy-feely All You Have to Do Is Listen. SLEI6H BG LLS ot SHERWOOD 2 Groping mechanism Columbia County Foot & Ankle Clinic 503-3 66 -55 55 • 525 N. Columbia River Hwy • St. Helens Medicare & Most All Insurances Accepted n ancient Greece men would swear an oath by grabbing the testicles of the person administering it. No joke— this is where the word “testimony” comes from. Nowadays we just use a Bible, which is yet another exam ple of how Christianity went and spoiled a g(X)d thing. W ith the exception of doctors doing hernia exams and priests interviewing altar boys, gay men are the only ones left who view grabbing someone’s nuts as part of the fabric of daily life. For instance, haven’t you ever noticed how quick we are to hug after having just met? Don’t think for an instant this has anything to do with the solidarity of our shared brother hood. It’s all about rubbing our dangly bits against one another. Fondling is the gay version of shaking hands, and nowhere was this phenom enon more in evidence than during my recent night in Prison Camp. No, that indecent exposure charge hasn’t come back to haunt me. (They never proved a thing, I tell you.) Prison Camp 2002 was simply the bash of the summer here in Portland. It followed last year’s Walk Like an Egyptian party, which was also great fun despite it being, like, 45 degrees that night. We were as frigid as Dr. Laura, but I must say our nipples sure looked perky. This year, however, not only was the weather nicer, but we had more clothing options. As in real prison, outnumbered guards, perhaps because it’s easier to throw on a denim work shirt, tie a bandanna around your head and call it done. Some opted for classic horizontal stripes, while others went for the simple orange jumpsuit (including one poor soul who had to repair a flat tire on the way home with the words “Federal Peniten tiary” emblazoned across his back). Accessories included chains, handcuffs and a sur prising amount of soap on a rope. I, however, was the f»iv*n only one wearing license plates. TH E G O S P E L A C C O R D IN G TO M A R C b y M a r c A c it o “Free M artha” tank tops, the boys wearing nothing but a towel and a smile, and the priest who went by the name of Father Foreskin. Instead of a cross around his neck, he hung the Pope on a Soap on a Rope. (I must mention here that Father Foreskin was continuing a phallic theme from last year; at the Egyptian party he simply stuck a picture of Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra on his crotch and told everyone he was Liz and Dick.) But this year all eyes were on the blond hunk dressed as T he Policeman W ho Forgot His Pants. There are very few of us in this world capable of wearing buttless chaps, but I must say this man is definitely one of them. Because he was a generous sort of fellow (or perhaps because the drinks were strong), Offi cer H ottie allowed a goodly number of us to cop a feel (or perhaps I should say feel a cop). His heinie was shiny after being rubbed by so many eager hands. A t m idnight a siren w ent off, and a guard grabbed me and Pretty Boy Floyd from the dance floor and led us away in handcuffs, my license plates clanking like cowbells. Before I could explain about th a t old morals charge, we were whisked to th e top of a building and flown over th e party in a helicopter— which, by the way, is every bit as thrilling as it sounds. But when we returned we discov ered that few noticed, their atten tion fixed steadfastly on the ground— or below the waist, to be more accurate. I’m not even sure they noticed the laser light show above their heads. N ot wanting to be left out, I tried to take part in the fun, but it ain’t easy grinding against someone when your crotch is covered in aluminum. I might as well have been wearing a chastity belt. So instead I hung out on the sidelines, pretending 1 was an anthro- * pologist studying the mating habits of homosexual men in their native habitat. A nd I wondered to myself whether she physical freedom we enjoy somehow prevents us from making a more intimate, meaning- f fill connection with one another. If we’re so fixated on grabbing a quick feel, could we be missing out on feeling more? Perhaps our lives are empty, filled only with mean ingless diversions like drinking too much, dancing all night and grop ing sexy strangers. ■m I can’t wait for next year. A nd th at, my friends, is T h e Gospel A ccording to Marc. UNO OVR mong the advantages of owning a sign shop are the craft opportuni ties, so Floyd and I me a skirt made of personal ized vanity plates. I spent much of the night twirling around so people could read messages like “JAIL B8,” “W F BTR” and, my personal favorite, “BND OV R.” The latter got me some offers, which just proves it pays to advertise. Originality could be found elsewhere, too— the guys in the BIO JOB in M arc A cito can be reached at marcacitc@atdn.com. For more information on the summer dance parties, visit ivunv.aIleyproductions.com.
