Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (June 7, 2002)
-june 7 .2QQ2 - HUMOR ..... V..... Bulk male Don’t let your feet walk all over you. Debra K. Lvnch, DPM Treating all diseases & surgery of the foot including: Physician ana Surgeon How I lost 60 pounds W ell, I finally did it. I lost 60 pounds. Actually, 1 lost it last year but haven’t mentioned it in print for fear those, pounds might come back and find me, like homing pigeons. Big, chubby homing pigeons. People ask me all the time how 1 managed to lose nearly 30 percent of my body weight, and 1 can’t resist screwing with their minds. “I’m doing the Bhutan Death March Work out," I’ll say. “It’s the new Taeho!” Or, “I’m sticking to a balanced regimen of Bingeing and Purging.” Freaks ’em out every time. I lie to them because no one wants to hear the truth: I simply ate less. I got this radical advice from my neighbor, Carrie Peacock, who is a personal chef, dietitian and all-around smart cookie, pardon the pun. “Losing weight is actually very simple,” she said to me. “It’s just like following a budget.” Now we all know how easy that is. Obvi ously, I’d been living beyond my seams. For me, it wasn’t even a matter of needing to exercise more. I already worked out several times a week, but my muscles were well insu lated by a protective fat coating, sort of the biological equivalent of bubble wrap. Carrie suggested I look at what factors trig ger my overeating. For the most part, I was a stress eater, but I also knew I ate when I was depressed. Or happy. Or bored. Or because it was a day of the week that ended in "y." Something had to change. (ow, a waist is a terri ble thing to mind, but to do it I had to use something I never thought I’d need as an adult: algebra. Keeping track of my calories was just like all those high school word prob lems— you know, the kind about two trains leaving Detroit— but instead they’re about food: “If Gayboy A eats less than 10 grams of fat daily, but his only upper-body workout consists of blow-drying his hair, and Gayboy B works out every day, but the only vegetables he eats are the olives in martinis, which one is more likely to get laidT’ Answer: The one with the bigger dick. Duh. (Incidentally, one of the major advantages of dropping inches from your waist is the percep tion of adding inches else where, if you get what I mean.) Me, I lost 8 inches off my waist slowly and sensibly dur ing the course of a year, and I THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC by M arc Acito Bunions * Neuromas Hammertoes • Bone Spun Heel/Arch Pain • Fractures Cysts • Fibromas Ingrown Toenails • Warts Hospital & Office Based Surgery Prescription Orthotics Sports Medicine Integral Health 503-23S-3767 545 NE 47th Ave., Suite 325 • Portland didn’t complain once. That’s right. I com plained about 6,000 times. (And that was just the first day.) I might look and feel better now, but I have not become one of those irritating types who say, “Oh, I’d rather eat an apple than a cook ie!” Yeah, if the apple were in the mouth of a roasted pig, perhaps. And my sensible meals still look like kiddy portions to me. So 1 completely understand those of you out there who have rejected the Do or Diet men tality and accept your bodies as they are. My favorites are those Hispanic guys who roll their T-shirts up over their bellies on hot days. They might look like they’re in their ninth month, but that doesn’t stop them. You gotta love that. But I simply can’t operate that way. I’ve always believed that achievement, not accep tance, builds self-esteem. I think that’s one of the reasons why we have trouble as a commu nity deciding what Gay Pride should be about. (That, and the fact that the girls want it to be Lilith Fair and the boys want it to be the White Party.) As far as I can see there’s nothing about being gay in and of itself to be proud of. It’s what we do as gay people that matters (and not just in the bedroom). Certainly, there are real-life heroes among us, like Portland’s own Steve Lofton and Roger Croteau, the cou ple fighting the state of Florida’s ban on gay adoption. And then there are people like me, whose major accomplishment is managing to look cute in a tank top. It’s not much of an achievement, I admit, but it’s my own little personal victory, and I’m pleased with it nonetheless. So ¿s you march and wave a rainbow flag at Pride this year, I ask you to think about the words of Oseo- la McCarthy, the functionally illiter ate washerwoman who gave her life’s savings of $625,000 to Southern Mis sissippi University back in 1995. When asked about her astonishing act of generosity, the 87-year-old sim ply said, “Well, if you want to feel proud of yourself, then do something to be proud of.” And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. JH Write M arc A cito at rmrcacito@attbi.com or meet him live and in person at the Just Out booth during Portland Pride 2002 from 3 to 5 p.m. June 15 and 16. For contribu - lions to the Georgem Moran fund, he will autograph body parts (not that one ) , and for really big donations, lucky visitors can "kiss the columnist." Columbia County Foot & Ankle Clinic S03-366-5555 • 525 N. Columbia River Hwy • St. Helens Medicare & Most All Insurances Accepted oO o Companion Pet Clinics M -S at • 6pm Wfsr L inn Sun 11am-4pm 8am P o rtla n d \ Salem \ V an co u ver W e s t L i n n 19343 Willamette Drive • (503) 635*3115 C LA C K A M A S 16317 SE 82nd Drive • (503) 657-0225 T i g a r d 13500 SW Pacific Hwy • (503) 670-9707 WENTWORTH CHEVROLET COME IN FOR A NO HASSLE PRICE! BEFORE V0U BUY A CAR.. COME SEE US TO SAVE HOMEY. 503 - 232-2000 WENTWORTH CHEVYTOWN www.wentworthchevrolet.com 107 SE Grand • 4 Blocks f tin enter •
