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48
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ADVICE
..............T ..............
D o n 't m is s the
S IL E N T AUCTION at the 1st Annua]...
Staying in, coining out
Don’t go out with psycho hoys; do come out to Nana
TM
a benefit for basic rights
Item s to L e au ctio n ed include:
* Sports & Event Tickets
* Weekend Getaways for Two
* Home entertainment electronics
* j\ptograplied Celebrity Items
and xnuck mudi more/
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F or m o re inform ation,
p le a se s e e the Color in se rt in this issu e ,
o r v is it w w w .dingoSonline.com
D ear M s . B ehavior :
Two years ago you published
a letter in your column from a
man who had trouble meeting
other men. You were tender and
caring in your response to him.
I wrote asking for his e-mail
address because it seemed like
this guy and I might have some
things in common.
This man lived far enough
away, so I felt safe talking to
him without worrying about
him wanting to get close to me.
He just didn’t sound right
(sane) on the phone, hut he
happened to know two unhappy lesbians in my
area, so he started visiting.
When 1 met him at the lesbians’ apartment,
the tent from the previous summer’s trip was
sprawled out in the living room. The apart
ment smelled like dog poop and urine.
I shoveled my way through the living room
to get to the sofa to sit down. I tried to smile
and he polite, thinking “people live differently,
and I should accept it,” which I didn’t.
Anyway, my “date” turned out to be so
needy he covered me like a dense slime, and 1
couldn’t breathe. I tried to be nice and tell him
I didn’t like him “that way,” which didn’t work.
I e-mailed and told him I didn’t want any
thing to do with him. I was then sent the
“Fuck You” e-mail, followed by several more
attempts at correspondence. I finally moved,
changed my phone number and blocked his
e-mail; I think I’ve finally gotten rid of him.
I wanted to share that story because 1
learned something^valuable. I should
have run to my car at the first
scent of dog poop in the les
bians’ apartment.
— Steve
D ear M s . B ehavior :
Betty and I are getting
hitched. She’s out to her family
hut not to her grandmother,
whom she loves.
The family has Betty con
vinced Nana will keel over at
the very words “lesbian lover.”
The problem is that Betty
wants Nana to know hut is
afraid to risk the consequences.
Also, Nana gives all her
beloved grandchildren $10,000
on their wedding day. How can
I convince Betty that she is just
as entitled to the 10 grand as
her married brother and now-divorced sister?
Shouldn’t Nana be given the choice?
Betty always says Nana loves her best, any
way. Won’t Nana love her just as much know
ing sh^’s a lesbian?
I personally never think it’s a mistake to
come out, but, then again, I don’t want Betty
to start our happy life together with any
regrets. Can you advise us?
— Betty's Betrothed
D ear B etty ’ s B etrothed :
“Don’t tell Nana or she’ll die," is effective emo
tional blackmail. But if old people really dropped
dead every time they received “shocking” informa
tion, no one would have gray hair, and we would
n’t have to worry about the state of Medicare.
If Betty doesn’t tell her grandmother about
you or the wedding, she obviously won’t be
able to invite her. That seems sad. And how
close can Betty and her grandmother really he
if Betty has to hide her most mean
ingful relationship from Nana?
The sacrifice of intima
cy with someone so close
seems like an even big
ger loss than the poten
tial $10,000 dowry.
(Well, maybe not big
ger. But it’s at least a
$7,000 loss.) Also,
make sure not to call it a
Commitment Ceremony,
lest Nana places a lower
price tag on the event.
Coming out can be messy
or volatile, hut it’s never a mistake (unless
there’s risk of bodily harm). Betty should risk
the murder rap and introduce her beloved
(you) to the old lady. Once Nana survives the
initial lezzie news, Betty should invite her to
come dance at your wedding. JH
h i cool weather,
plenty of lesbians
secretly camp in
their living room s
and convince
their dogs that
they are in the
great outdoors
D ear S teve :
Actually, your first
hint that things would
n’t go well was that your
prospective date did not
sound sane on the phone.
If you felt safe only because
he lived far away, why did you
have any further contact with him?
Ms. Behavior is alarmed by how many of her
readers ignore obvious hints. They say things
like: “I suspected he was psycho, unethical and
had had hygiene on our first date. When we
broke up six months later, 1 knew it was true
because he broke into my apartment, stole all my
money and left his smelly clothing on my bed.”
Hello? What happened to that first hint,
180 days earlier?
As for the lesbian tent and the dog’s bodily
fluids, Ms. Behavior does not understand why you
took issue. In cool weather, plenty of lesbians
secretly camp in their living rooms and convince
their dogs that they are in the great outdoors.
^usie
& Lyrics
%
Stepper
S o r te ti*
© Meryl Cohn 2002
M eryl C ohn is the author of Do What I Say:
Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian
Etiquette (Houghton Mifflin). Her Internet site is
www.mshehavior.com. Send questions or
correspondence to msbehavierr®aol.com.
Direrteil w* Brt*4w*y By J»r*«S Laffn«
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