4
apcü 19, 2002
ADVICE
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Dishonest girlz
Is it OK to lie to save her feelings?
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K a t / J | Electric
School
My girlfriend recently
quit her job as a certified
public accountant to follow
her lifelong dream to be an
“artist." She’s saved just
enough money to pay her
half of the rent and to not
get too carried away with the
romance of the starving
artist.
T he problem, Ms.
Behavior, is that she’s not
very good. I mean, she’s
really not good.
And yet there she goes
every day off to the garage—
now her studio— to paint.
She’s talking about trying to
show her work at some of the local galleries,
but I don’t think it’s very likely.
1 remain silently supportive of her dream. 1
do her paint-speckled laundry; I ask about her
day; 1 tell her I’m proud of her, which I am—
following a dream is a great thing.
My question is: Am I obligated to gently let
her know that her work isn’t that good and
that she might have to adjust her expectations
of being warmly received in the art communi
ty? If it were me, I’d want to know.
O n the other hand, it’s her path, and surely
there’s no lack of harsh reality in store for her.
If 1 don’t tell her, someone else will, but then
won’t she wonder if I knew all along? Is this a
secret I should bring with me to the grave?
Picasso's Partner
—
D ear P icasso ’ s
P artner :
Although it
would be dishonest
for you to rave about
your girlfriend’s
artwork, you also
should not tell her it
“isn’t that good.”
Having the time
and money to do
what she loves is a
great blessing. Your
willingness to do her
paint-speckled laun
dry and your emo
tional support are
probably very mean
ingful to her. If she
must face discourage
ment, let it be from
others.
You also can’t be
sure what’s in store
for your girlfriend.
We all know of tal
ented artists who
never make a living. A t the same time, a lack
of artistic genius isn’t a guarantee of failure. O n
occasion, a truly lousy painter has a noticeable,
lucrative career.
D ear M s . B ehavior :
I’m a 27-year-old lesbian who has only been
out of the closet for about a year.
I met this wonderful woman who swept me
off my feet. But I’ve come to find out almost
everything she told me about herself was a lie.
She possesses a minimal amount of the
qualities I find attractive in a woman, so as
time has passed, I’ve found
myself more and more
attracted to other people
with more of these qualities.
O ne of the people I am
attracted to is a mutual
friend of ours.
My girlfriend and I have
broken our relationship off
because she is really inse
cure, jealous and immature.
But I can’t help thinking
that one of the contributing
factors is my attraction for
this mutual friend, who is
attracted to me as well.
My ex and I still live
together as roommates and
best friends. But I don’t
know what to do with these feelings I harbor
for our mutual friend. Would it be wrong for us
to act on what we feel ?
If my ex had only told the truth from the
beginning, things would have turned out differ
ently. I honestly can’t stand to see my ex hurt,
but I need to be true to myself.
K .C .
—
D ear K.C.:
It’s no wonder your ex-girlfriend went from
being a “wonderful woman” to seeming “really
insecure, jealous and immature.” You and the
so-called “mutual friend” are probably exuding
slippery sex hormones all over the place.
You’re all juiced up and titillated over your
secret attraction, barely refraining from trib-
adizing on the
kitchen floor, right
in front of your new
“best friend.” So
how could your ex
not feel jealous and
insecure?
You say you can ’t
stand to see your
ex hurt, but what
are you doing to
reduce the harm?
W h en people say,
in this context,
th a t they w ant to
be “true” to th em
selves, it usually
m eans they’re
about to disrobe.
Meanwhile, you
blame your ex, say
ing if only she were
honest from the
beginning, none of
this would have
happened. But,
except in the
moment where you
wonder if your own attraction might be a “con
tributing factor,” it sounds like you’re the one
who’s not honest.
T he problem is not that you’ve become
attracted to someone else; it’s that you’re
sneaking around and om itting the truth. The
best thing you could do is to acknowledge the
real reason you ended the relationship. Then,
treat your ex with kindness and respect and
move out.
in
Write your confused and conflicted heart out to
M s. BEHAVIOR at MsBehavior@aol.com.