Just out., April 05, 2002, Page 45, Image 45

aprii 5.2002’ J u s t o u t
HUMOR
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With friends like these..,
Why Liza with a “Z” needs Marc with a “C”
hat a busy month March was.
Between Rosie O ’Donnell coming out
and Liza Minnelli getting married, 1
scarcely had time to get to the gym.
1 followed the details of Liza’s nuptials to
producer David Gest the way straight men fol­
low sports. I even lost a whole night of my life
examining Liza’s bridal registry, courtesy of
Tiffany.com.
The Tiffany Bridal Registry is endlessly
fascinating because it shows both the quanti­
ty requested by the bride as well the quantity
still needed. One can see, for instance, that
none of Liza’s guests bought
any of the 12 requested Elsa
Peretti Platters (at a cost of
$2,900 each) or any of the
$4,000 Elsa Peretti Tureens,
either.
And no one ordered
the Elsa Peretti
Pumpkin Boxes
at $650 apiece,
presumably
because no
one knows
what the hell a
pumpkin box is.
A s 1 continued
to sift through the
requests, I realized
no one had bought
Liza any of the
expensive gifts. In
fact, as of the wed­
ding day itself, only
four people had bought an item that cost
more than $1,000.
Now certainly when you look at the
guest list (Esther W illiams, Tito Jackson,
G in a Lollabrigida) you realize some of these
people haven’t worked in years, so I guess
it’s understandable. But plenty of A-list
celebs were invited, too, including best man
M ichael Jackson and matron o f honor Eliza­
beth Taylor.
I can only conclude Liza’s friends were
simply too cheap to buy her anything nice. I
bet Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Doug­
las pulled a Nancy Reagan and just rewrapped
one of the leftover gifts from their wedding.
(I can just hear Zeta-Jones saying, “Well, it is
her fourth marriage, after all.” Yeah, just you
wait, bitch.)
Poor Liza. It’s not enough that she’s had to
endure chemical dependency, hip replacement
and encephalitis. But to be dissed by her own
friends like this. It’s too embarrassing. I realized
the best way to show Liza who her real friends
are would be to buy her a gift myself.
I cursored through the list to see if there
was anything I could afford and was horrified
to discover that all 16 of the $32 Elsa Peretti
Thumbprint Brandy Snifters had been bought
already, which means Liza’s “friends” are not
only cheap but, considering her battles with
substance abuse, cruel as well.
I settled for the next least expensive thing,
a $65 Elsa Peretti PADOVA Butter Spreader,
Flat Handle. That’s right, I spent 65 bucks on a
butter knife. What’s more, 16 cheap bastards
spent half of what I did and actually got to go
to the wedding.
I’m glad I did the right thing, though. I take
great pleasure in the thought of Liza rolling out
of bed at the crack of noon to the sound of her
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
b y M a rc A cito
new hubby clanking around the kitchen. “Do
you want toast, honey?” he calls in to her.
“Yes, dear,” she says, then bursts into song,
belting out, “Start spreading the hutter....”
Tiffany.com assured me that my gift would
be delivered in one of Tiffany’s signature robin’s
egg blue boxes. This pleases me, too, because,
while I’ve given wedding gifts in Tiffany’s sig­
nature robin’s egg blue boxes before, they’ve
always held something from Target.
There was even a place to write Liza and
David a personal note. Mine said: “Sorry we
couldn’t be at the wedding. Congratulations
and best wishes. Love, Marc & Floyd.”
Floyd took a look at it and said, “But we
weren’t invited to the wedding.”
“Yeah, that’s why I’m sorry we couldn’t be
there,” I replied.
Besides, I just love the idea of Liza and
David sitting around their apartment, sur­
rounded by robin’s egg blue boxes, saying to
one another: “Do you know a Marc and Floyd?
I don’t know a Marc and Royd.”
Before 1 exited the site I discovered it would
cost me $10 to ship a hutter knife, despite the
fact that Liza lives just a few blocks from
Tiffany’s. For that kind of money, Elsa Peretti
herself better be delivering it.
But that is the kind of cheap-ass thinking of
Liza’s ungrateful guests, and I won’t succumb to
it. I just hope she appreciates those of us who
really care about her and remembers who to
invite the next time she gets married. Maybe
then she’ll follow the example of her sister,
Loma Luff, who couldn’t attend the wedding
because she was performing at Gay Pride in
Sydney, Australia.
Now there’s a woman who knows who her
real friends are.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. J H
M arc : A crro ’.s address is now registered with
Tiffany.com so Liza can send a thank-you note.
He can be reached at marcaaui@attbi .com.
Crush
wine bar
presents:
flpi
asg>.. v..
.
.
Reservations
Required
Ticket Price
Includes Wine
and Bread
Seating Is
Limited
1 4 1 2 se Morrison
4 5