tetouary 1 . 2 ÛÛ 2 *
HUMOR
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MAP H 0 f c "
was talking with a rather well-connected
friend of mine recently when he mentioned
he knew a certain writer I admire.
My well-connected friend didn’t know
it, hut not only do 1 admire this writer, I identi
fy with her, as well; 1 feel like she gives voice to
my secret self. I’ve always considered her some
thing of a kindred spirit, actually— a “fellow
traveler,” as the communists used to say.
“W hat’s she like?” I panted, hungry for
details.
“Ach, she’s a total nutbag,” my friend said,
rolling his eyes. “She’s absolutely infuriating.
She’s temperamental, she’s demanding, she’s
erratic. She drives everyone crazy.”
Boy, am I glad 1 didn’t mention the kindred
spirit thing.
On the way home 1 got to thinking more
about it, and 1 realized nearly all of my favorite
artists— Dorothy Parker, Tennessee Williams,
Judy Garland— were mentally unbalanced in
one way or another. Y’know, it doesn’t do a lot
for your self-confidence when you realize most
of the people you admire were institutionalized.
By the time I got home 1 was in tears. My
partner lixiked at me and said, “W hat’s wrong?"
“All the people 1 identify with are looney-
tunes,” I cried.
“This is news?” he said.
Well, yeah. Since I no longer go out of my
way to act wacky like I did when 1 was a needy,
attention-starved kid, I somehow convinced
myself I was a reasonably normal adult, kind of
dull, even.
But now I have my doubts. Have you seen
that commercial for the antidepressant with
the cartoon of that sad-ltxiking egg thing? 1
have, because it seems to be on during most of
the shows I watch, which makes me worry per-
Fruits and Nuts
\ t£
Embracing the “queerness”
of your fellow travelers
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
b y M a r c A c ito
haps I’m part of some marketing effort aimed at
reaching the depressed demographic.
1 can just hear the guys on Madison
Avenue: “Let’s see, gay men ages 31 to 45 who
watch Ally McBeal and Will & G race. Oh yeah,
those guys need all the pharmaceuticals money
can buy.”
They call us Mannish Depressives.
I myself am a magnet for the truly
unhinged, partially because I’ve always sub
scribed to the theory that there’s a very fine
line separating the brilliant from the complete
wackjobs. I guess it makes me approachable.
Doesn’t matter where I am— on a bus, on
line in the supermarket, at church— it’s only
a matter of time before somebody starts
telling me about the voices only they can
hear. (I’ll say one thing for schizophrenics,
though: They’re rarely dull. If you don’t like
the personality you’re talking to, stick around
and they’ll change it quicker than a stripper
can whip off a G-string.)
Now I know being gay is no longer consid
ered a mental illness, but, personally, I still
NijWtVJ
1y N & ' f
OOP
associate being queer
with being a little,
we need some
well, queer. Yet there’s
body to freak the
this whole cult of
straight people out! Get me a trans person and
normality out there, a
fast!”)
new emerging gay
So if you find that your gay potlucks need
voice insisting we are
some livening up, I suggest you trot out the old
just like straight people
Magic Pill question, then sit back and watch
except we’re better
the fur fly. Oh, you know the one: “If you
grixMned.
could take a Magic Pill that would make you
straight, would you?”
1 ask you, what
fun is that?
I guarantee you there’s bound to be at least
W e’ve got mil
one fag who will say: “Absolutely. I mean, who
itant dykes being
would choose to be gay? Anybody who’d choose
replaced by
to be an oppressed minority has got to be crazy.”
Stepford Les
Well, I guess that does make me crazy
bians and soccer
after all.
moms in the
Listen, if being gay is something you
’burbs dropping
only do from the waist down, that’s your
the kids off at
prerogative. And if you want to be as bor-
Boy Scouts
»
ing as most straight people, by all
(hello?) before
ii .
means, go ahead. But as for me,
■ I’m sticking with the Fruits and
heading to the
PTA meeting.
----- the Nuts.
It’s like an
W ho would choose to be gay?
episode of Leave It
Oh, me, me, me! Pick me!
to Beaver, and for more reasons than one, if
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. jH
you catch my drift.
I’m beginning to think queer activists finally
started including trans people not because it was
MARC A c ito has pushed his boyfriend to the
the right thing to do but because we were start
brink o f insanity as well. He can be reached at
marcacito@ attbi. com .
ing to look kinda dull without them. (“Quick,
A ROMANTIC NIGHT IN VIENNA
“A Concert for Lovers”
Thursday. February 14 at 7:30 pm
Norman Leyden, conductor
Lisa Vroman, vocalist
Treat your sweetheart to an
evening of Viennese waltzes
and other beautiful music
perfect for this most
romantic of holidays!
he new award-w ining psycho-sexual thrill
om gay playwrii t Matthew B. Zrebski.
Tickets start at $25
Sponsored by the
Andrianoff Family
Media support by K103 fm
y
___
[¡ustr 1 ] 1 1
sum
in n i». SuakRavimiT*.
ii'Jt/w jv r
FOR TICKETS AND INFORMATION:
Call 503-228-1353 | 1 800 228 7343 | Mon- Sat, 9 am - 5 pm
www.orsymphony.org | 503-790 ARTS (service charge may apply)
Group rates available on most concerts. Call 503-228-1353
WHERE'S T 0 T 0 ?
LESBIAN PERFORMER DOROTHY A. HIRSCH’S
WILD ONE WOMAN COMEDY
ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL
SW Main & Broadway • Portland Center (or the Performing Arts
ST A R K R A V M G
^
Fridays and Saturdays following After the Zipper
February 2 - March 2, 2002 10:30 pm