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Degrees of out
The Ins and outs
of the couples closet
by
P aula W alowitz , M.A.
This column was written by a professional
counselor with vignettes based on real people
and situations and is m eant to help support
couples through developm ental stages and
com m on difficulties.
liver and Patrick are having some trouble
in their relationship.
They’ve lived together for eight years
in a nice suburban house with a well-fed
cat and a well-tended lawn. Both have good
jobs in offices with co-workers who are
unaware they are gay.
In fact, Oliver and Patrick are closeted in
virtually all parts of their lives. Except for a
handful of friends, no one knows they are
lovers.
This is just fine with Oliver, who works in
an insurance company and adamantly believes
his sexuality is his own business and nobody
else’s. He knows he would not be fired for
being gay, but he has heard enough of his co- _
workers’ homophobic snickers to know it just
isn’t worth it to him to come out at work.
Oliver also keeps his old friends and all his
family in the dark. He thinks his mother and
brother might suspect, but no one has asked,
and he hopes no one will, because he isn’t sure
what he’d say.
Oliver isn’t interested in gay community
events, finding them generally distasteful. He
isn’t thrilled about being gay, and he doesn’t
want to pretend he is.
This is Patrick’s first real relationship. His
mother “sort of knows” he's gay, although they
never discuss it, and he has a sister who seems
to be fishing for an admission. (“So? How’s
Oliver ?”)
Like his partner, Patrick is closeted, but not
quite as fiercely. He doesn’t think being gay is
so bad.
He wouldn’t have chosen it, he says, but it
chose him. So he’s OK with it.
T h e truth is, Patrick hadn’t really
thought much about being gay until he
joined a local gay chorus. He had been
wanting to find somewhere to sing with peo
ple for a while, and a friend o f his was jo in
ing the group, so Patrick took the plunge.
dered individuals, particularly if they’re in a
He suspected Oliver would be furious, so he
committed same-sex relationship.
didn’t tell him until the day he was to attend his
Furthermore, coming out is not generally a
first rehearsal. Right on cue, Oliver exploded.
one-shot deal, where you just do it and it’s
“Are you looking for my replacement?” he
done. Every new person and every new situa
snapped. “Or just cruising for something on the
tion requires a new assessment: How open can I
side? W hat if someone we know sees you? Do
be on this job? How much can I show of myself
you realize the chorus is all gay men? W hat are
and my life to this person? How much am I
you thinking?”
risking if I tell? How bad will I feel if I don’t?
Patrick is digging in his heels about being in
Contrary to some political perspectives and
the chorus. Oliver is frightened and angry and
some developmental models of what consti
feels betrayed. He
tutes a healthy
thinks this new
gay man or les
Contrary to some political perspectives
development in
bian, being out
an d some developm ental models o f what might not make
Patrick’s life could
threaten their rela
sense for all peo
constitutes
a
healthy
g
a
y
m
an
or
lesbian,
tionship and possi
ple in all areas of
bly boomerang back
their lives. Some
being out m ight not m ake sense fo r all
at Oliver by shat
times, the conse
people
in
a
ll
areas
o
f
their
lives.
quences of being
tering his carefully
openly gay are so
cultivated privacy.
intense that it isn’t even a possibility, as in
Managing different levels of outness is an
many areas around the world, where same-sex
element that is unique to same-sex relation
activities
might be punishable by death or
ships. Certainly, heterosexuals might hide parts
imprisonment. Other times, queers are protect
of their sexual or romantic life if they’re having
ed against the harshest punishments but still
anonymous sexual encounters, for example, or
are treated as outcasts by their culture or by
if they’re having a secret affair. But it’s a crucial
society at large.
issue for all gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgen-
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In the United States, violence and other
severe consequences continue to plague indi
viduals who engage in same-sex activities.
However, for many of us, the cost of being
openly gay or lesbian has been reduced to dis
approving glances, bad jokes and a range of dis
pleased reactions from our families.
Despite the overall de-escalation of conse
quences, the fear of disappointing our parents
or making our co-workers uncomfortable
around us can feel overwhelming. Coming out
is not always worth the trouble.
Oliver doesn’t need to be openly gay. How
ever, in order to stay in his relationship with
Patrick, he might need to deal with his inter
nalized homophobia— his own negative feel
ings about being gay and about other gay peo
ple. Otherwise, Patrick might need to tiptoe
back into his closet, which doesn’t seem likely.
Recent models of healthy same-sex rela
tionships indicate that partners’ degrees of out
ness don’t need to be the same, but they need
to be compatible. Olive/ and Patrick, for exam
ple, need to find a way to avoid stepping on
each other’s toes.
If it’s important to Patrick to sing in the
local gay chorus, then Oliver has to find a way
to deal with it. Maybe he’ll ask Patrick not to
mention his name to other members of the
chorus or not to mention the chorus to Oliver’s
friends or family. Or maybe Oliver will meet a
few members of the chorus and feel like he can
be openly gay in that context but nowhere else.
And maybe Patrick will be OK with that.
And maybe he won’t. This is such a sticky issue
for most queers that few couples even get past
the beginning stage of a relationship if they
hold very different views about it.
But when it shows up in the middle of a
long-term relationship, it’s also possible that
the one whose view is changing just might be
trying to differentiate from a merged couple sit
uation. In other words, Patrick might be feeling
stagnant in his relationship with Oliver and
feeling like he has stopped experiencing him
self as a separate person with his own ways of
thinking and behaving. So he unconsciously
tries something different, knowing it probably
will vex his partner and certainly force some
kind of separateness into the relationship.
If that’s the situation, the problem might be
very fixable. Instead of focusing on the guys’
different approaches to outness, the solution
would center on balancing their “I-ness” with
their “we-ness,” a common developmental issue
for all couples of all genders.
in
P aula W a lo w itz , M . A . , LP C , is a
counselor in private practice who works with
couples and individuals. She can be reached
at 7 7 3 -2 9 3 -3 6 8 8 .