January 5 .2 0 0 1 g * f | g IT ! i l l S fUr ¿a* S lUP w I mm ............... w ............... Degrees of out The Ins and outs of the couples closet by P aula W alowitz , M.A. This column was written by a professional counselor with vignettes based on real people and situations and is m eant to help support couples through developm ental stages and com m on difficulties. liver and Patrick are having some trouble in their relationship. They’ve lived together for eight years in a nice suburban house with a well-fed cat and a well-tended lawn. Both have good jobs in offices with co-workers who are unaware they are gay. In fact, Oliver and Patrick are closeted in virtually all parts of their lives. Except for a handful of friends, no one knows they are lovers. This is just fine with Oliver, who works in an insurance company and adamantly believes his sexuality is his own business and nobody else’s. He knows he would not be fired for being gay, but he has heard enough of his co- _ workers’ homophobic snickers to know it just isn’t worth it to him to come out at work. Oliver also keeps his old friends and all his family in the dark. He thinks his mother and brother might suspect, but no one has asked, and he hopes no one will, because he isn’t sure what he’d say. Oliver isn’t interested in gay community events, finding them generally distasteful. He isn’t thrilled about being gay, and he doesn’t want to pretend he is. This is Patrick’s first real relationship. His mother “sort of knows” he's gay, although they never discuss it, and he has a sister who seems to be fishing for an admission. (“So? How’s Oliver ?”) Like his partner, Patrick is closeted, but not quite as fiercely. He doesn’t think being gay is so bad. He wouldn’t have chosen it, he says, but it chose him. So he’s OK with it. T h e truth is, Patrick hadn’t really thought much about being gay until he joined a local gay chorus. He had been wanting to find somewhere to sing with peo­ ple for a while, and a friend o f his was jo in ­ ing the group, so Patrick took the plunge. dered individuals, particularly if they’re in a He suspected Oliver would be furious, so he committed same-sex relationship. didn’t tell him until the day he was to attend his Furthermore, coming out is not generally a first rehearsal. Right on cue, Oliver exploded. one-shot deal, where you just do it and it’s “Are you looking for my replacement?” he done. Every new person and every new situa­ snapped. “Or just cruising for something on the tion requires a new assessment: How open can I side? W hat if someone we know sees you? Do be on this job? How much can I show of myself you realize the chorus is all gay men? W hat are and my life to this person? How much am I you thinking?” risking if I tell? How bad will I feel if I don’t? Patrick is digging in his heels about being in Contrary to some political perspectives and the chorus. Oliver is frightened and angry and some developmental models of what consti­ feels betrayed. He tutes a healthy thinks this new gay man or les­ Contrary to some political perspectives development in bian, being out an d some developm ental models o f what might not make Patrick’s life could threaten their rela­ sense for all peo­ constitutes a healthy g a y m an or lesbian, tionship and possi­ ple in all areas of bly boomerang back their lives. Some­ being out m ight not m ake sense fo r all at Oliver by shat­ times, the conse­ people in a ll areas o f their lives. quences of being tering his carefully openly gay are so cultivated privacy. intense that it isn’t even a possibility, as in Managing different levels of outness is an many areas around the world, where same-sex element that is unique to same-sex relation­ activities might be punishable by death or ships. Certainly, heterosexuals might hide parts imprisonment. Other times, queers are protect­ of their sexual or romantic life if they’re having ed against the harshest punishments but still anonymous sexual encounters, for example, or are treated as outcasts by their culture or by if they’re having a secret affair. But it’s a crucial society at large. issue for all gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgen- P ortland ' s ONLY I ndependent • N oncommercial L isteher -S pohsored C ommunity R adio S tation 90.7 tm P ortland • 91.7 Coiumi* 60»« • 100.7 H n u m m y < iu t Your fresh flower professionals JACKSON'S FLO W ERS 3804 N. E. Sandy Blvd. Portland, OR 97232 (503) 282-0657 • 1 (800) 303-0657 BBV 1 «»»> w _ . Our Hands Mhi P iQ A w w w JacksonsFlow ers.com Move Hearts™ w In the United States, violence and other severe consequences continue to plague indi­ viduals who engage in same-sex activities. However, for many of us, the cost of being openly gay or lesbian has been reduced to dis­ approving glances, bad jokes and a range of dis­ pleased reactions from our families. Despite the overall de-escalation of conse­ quences, the fear of disappointing our parents or making our co-workers uncomfortable around us can feel overwhelming. Coming out is not always worth the trouble. Oliver doesn’t need to be openly gay. How­ ever, in order to stay in his relationship with Patrick, he might need to deal with his inter­ nalized homophobia— his own negative feel­ ings about being gay and about other gay peo­ ple. Otherwise, Patrick might need to tiptoe back into his closet, which doesn’t seem likely. Recent models of healthy same-sex rela­ tionships indicate that partners’ degrees of out­ ness don’t need to be the same, but they need to be compatible. Olive/ and Patrick, for exam­ ple, need to find a way to avoid stepping on each other’s toes. If it’s important to Patrick to sing in the local gay chorus, then Oliver has to find a way to deal with it. Maybe he’ll ask Patrick not to mention his name to other members of the chorus or not to mention the chorus to Oliver’s friends or family. Or maybe Oliver will meet a few members of the chorus and feel like he can be openly gay in that context but nowhere else. And maybe Patrick will be OK with that. And maybe he won’t. This is such a sticky issue for most queers that few couples even get past the beginning stage of a relationship if they hold very different views about it. But when it shows up in the middle of a long-term relationship, it’s also possible that the one whose view is changing just might be trying to differentiate from a merged couple sit­ uation. In other words, Patrick might be feeling stagnant in his relationship with Oliver and feeling like he has stopped experiencing him­ self as a separate person with his own ways of thinking and behaving. So he unconsciously tries something different, knowing it probably will vex his partner and certainly force some kind of separateness into the relationship. If that’s the situation, the problem might be very fixable. Instead of focusing on the guys’ different approaches to outness, the solution would center on balancing their “I-ness” with their “we-ness,” a common developmental issue for all couples of all genders. in P aula W a lo w itz , M . A . , LP C , is a counselor in private practice who works with couples and individuals. She can be reached at 7 7 3 -2 9 3 -3 6 8 8 .