October 20. 2000 r
ONLY
1
PORTLANDS
IllOf PEnOEHT • hOMCOHMERCIAl
LiSTEttER-SromoRED C ommunity R adio S tation
Never a bride
a w
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1
When it comes to gay marriage
our new columnist says “I don’t”
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very time I open the pages of gay publi-
j L» cations I see the latest on the fight for
the rights we gay people supposedly
s f c have longed for our whole lives: to join
the military, to get married and to have kids.
I ask you, when exactly did these items
become our top priorities?
It’s as if someone accidentally mixed up
the Gay Agenda with the Mormon one. I
don’t begrudge those who want these things,
hut I’m sure if I joined the military I’d be
just like Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin,
asking if green is the only color the uniforms
come in.
And while I admire the efforts of those gays
and lesbians who venture to China or Vietnam
to get a baby, I simply can’t identify with the
impulse. I can’t even motivate my lazy ass out
the door to get bread and milk.
Gay rights activists make compelling argu
ments in favor of gay marriage, listing very real
injustices like tax breaks, hospital visitation
and rights of survivorship, among others.
Yeah, whatever.
Me, I just can’t get excited about gay
marriage cuz I just can’t get my
head around the thought
of a gay wedding. I’m
sorry to admit it, hut the
sight of two guys marching down
the aisle looking like head
waiters just doesn’t do a
thing for me.
Sure, I’ve fantasized
about getting married,
hut in my fantasies I’m
always, well, the bride.
What’s more, I’m a
pretty bride.
I know it’s shallow,
hut if I can’t look like
Audrey Hepburn in
the final scene of
Funny Face — and
believe me, I
can’t— then you
might as well just
forget the whole thing.
That moment when everyone
rises and turns to the back
of the church
like they’re
about to
break into a chorus
of “Hello, Dolly”—
that’s what I want.
The propo
nents of gay mar
riage also neglect
to mention the
single most impor
tant reason to get married: the gifts. This, to
my mind, is the gravest injustice against gays
and lesbians. When straight people ask why
my partner and I haven’t had a commitment
ceremony, I just snarl at them and say,
“Because I already went out and bought my
own friggin’ appliances.”
Having been a homo homeowner for 10
years now, I’ve experienced firsthand how
household appliances break down in sympathy
with one another, as if they are going on strike.
(My partner and I have learned not to discuss
financial matters like our tax refund in the
kitchen lest our appliances overhear us.) But
now I realize why straight people abuse their
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M arc Acito
right to marry and end up divorcing and remar
rying multiple times: They need to replace
their appliances.
I’m almost tempted to take lesbian comedi
an Suzanne Westenhoefer’s advice: “Now when
I go to a wedding," she says, “I don’t bring a
gift, I take one." 1 consulted Miss Manners on
this concept and discovered a socially accept
able loophole.
It turns out that one need not bring a gift
to the actual wedding but can send one
afterward. She doesn’t say how long after
ward, so I just wait 10 years to see if the cou
ple stay together.
You want that toaster? Earn it, baby. (On
a related note, I’d like
Ellen and Melissa to
please send me back
the salad spinners I
bought them.)
Likewise, my
patience is wearing
thin with pro-mar
riage articles in the gay
press that feature the
likes of “Barry, a systems
analyst, and Michael,
his life partner of two
years.” Now, I wish
Barry and Michael well,
hut puh-leeze, they’ve
been together for
two years, for
Chrissakes.
I’ve got
condiments in
my fridge that
have lasted
longer. Why
don’t we see
whether Barry
and Michael
make it past
the “maybe we
should open up
our relationship”
conversation
before putting
their picture in
a magazine,
shall we?
Something like
50 percent of all marriages in this country end
in divorce— 50 percent. Those are some sucky
odds, and I don’t see any reason why gays and
lesbians will do any better.
So you’ll forgive me if I don’t get too excit
ed about going to your wedding, he it gay or
straight. But I promise to buy you a great
anniversary gift when the time comes.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. j n
Does seeing happy couples make you crazy?
Are you tired of being a third wheel?
Do you wonder where your soulmate is?
:
• . ' '¿vv .
Then you need the
nori/JsrATHAttod/itn • * - butauymioiiü
MON - THURS lOom - 1 1pm
FRI-SAÏ 10am- 12pm
SUNDAY 12noon - 9pm
T he C ripple
y Martin Mcuonag
The sight of two guys marching down
the aisle looking like head waiters
just doesn't do a thing for me.
MARC A cito and his longtime partner are
shacked up in Portland—without benefit of
marriage— thank you very much.
join us for
GALA Night,
November 7 !
2 7 4 - 6 S 8 8 5 tfckets’ iust
production Girding/1 d ii ft
RAH Construction
G BO Architects
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