October 20. 2000 r ONLY 1 PORTLANDS IllOf PEnOEHT • hOMCOHMERCIAl LiSTEttER-SromoRED C ommunity R adio S tation Never a bride a w mV* *.* 1 When it comes to gay marriage our new columnist says “I don’t” <)0-7 fN PomiAHD • 9Z-7 fournil* 6o»te • 100.7 W illaheite Y» u » very time I open the pages of gay publi- j L» cations I see the latest on the fight for the rights we gay people supposedly s f c have longed for our whole lives: to join the military, to get married and to have kids. I ask you, when exactly did these items become our top priorities? It’s as if someone accidentally mixed up the Gay Agenda with the Mormon one. I don’t begrudge those who want these things, hut I’m sure if I joined the military I’d be just like Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin, asking if green is the only color the uniforms come in. And while I admire the efforts of those gays and lesbians who venture to China or Vietnam to get a baby, I simply can’t identify with the impulse. I can’t even motivate my lazy ass out the door to get bread and milk. Gay rights activists make compelling argu­ ments in favor of gay marriage, listing very real injustices like tax breaks, hospital visitation and rights of survivorship, among others. Yeah, whatever. Me, I just can’t get excited about gay marriage cuz I just can’t get my head around the thought of a gay wedding. I’m sorry to admit it, hut the sight of two guys marching down the aisle looking like head waiters just doesn’t do a thing for me. Sure, I’ve fantasized about getting married, hut in my fantasies I’m always, well, the bride. What’s more, I’m a pretty bride. I know it’s shallow, hut if I can’t look like Audrey Hepburn in the final scene of Funny Face — and believe me, I can’t— then you might as well just forget the whole thing. That moment when everyone rises and turns to the back of the church like they’re about to break into a chorus of “Hello, Dolly”— that’s what I want. The propo­ nents of gay mar­ riage also neglect to mention the single most impor­ tant reason to get married: the gifts. This, to my mind, is the gravest injustice against gays and lesbians. When straight people ask why my partner and I haven’t had a commitment ceremony, I just snarl at them and say, “Because I already went out and bought my own friggin’ appliances.” Having been a homo homeowner for 10 years now, I’ve experienced firsthand how household appliances break down in sympathy with one another, as if they are going on strike. (My partner and I have learned not to discuss financial matters like our tax refund in the kitchen lest our appliances overhear us.) But now I realize why straight people abuse their THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC by M arc Acito right to marry and end up divorcing and remar­ rying multiple times: They need to replace their appliances. I’m almost tempted to take lesbian comedi­ an Suzanne Westenhoefer’s advice: “Now when I go to a wedding," she says, “I don’t bring a gift, I take one." 1 consulted Miss Manners on this concept and discovered a socially accept­ able loophole. It turns out that one need not bring a gift to the actual wedding but can send one afterward. She doesn’t say how long after­ ward, so I just wait 10 years to see if the cou­ ple stay together. You want that toaster? Earn it, baby. (On a related note, I’d like Ellen and Melissa to please send me back the salad spinners I bought them.) Likewise, my patience is wearing thin with pro-mar­ riage articles in the gay press that feature the likes of “Barry, a systems analyst, and Michael, his life partner of two years.” Now, I wish Barry and Michael well, hut puh-leeze, they’ve been together for two years, for Chrissakes. I’ve got condiments in my fridge that have lasted longer. Why don’t we see whether Barry and Michael make it past the “maybe we should open up our relationship” conversation before putting their picture in a magazine, shall we? Something like 50 percent of all marriages in this country end in divorce— 50 percent. Those are some sucky odds, and I don’t see any reason why gays and lesbians will do any better. So you’ll forgive me if I don’t get too excit­ ed about going to your wedding, he it gay or straight. But I promise to buy you a great anniversary gift when the time comes. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. j n Does seeing happy couples make you crazy? Are you tired of being a third wheel? Do you wonder where your soulmate is? : • . ' '¿vv . Then you need the nori/JsrATHAttod/itn • * - butauymioiiü MON - THURS lOom - 1 1pm FRI-SAÏ 10am- 12pm SUNDAY 12noon - 9pm T he C ripple y Martin Mcuonag The sight of two guys marching down the aisle looking like head waiters just doesn't do a thing for me. MARC A cito and his longtime partner are shacked up in Portland—without benefit of marriage— thank you very much. join us for GALA Night, November 7 ! 2 7 4 - 6 S 8 8 5 tfckets’ iust production Girding/1 d ii ft RAH Construction G BO Architects sponsert: AmencanArknes